Exactly, 2 healthy legs. My father was one of my legs and my cousin the one that was like a sister for me, was my other leg. I used to walk fast, run towards my dreams, towards future, towards everything I wanted but I have lost my legs and now I don’t walk towards anything, instead I just hope that one day would be the last day. But I want 24h before that last day so I can break the chains that are keeping me from breathing. 24h so I can get rid of the heavy stones that I am dragging wherever I am going. Those 24 hours would allow me to use my last little bunch of happiness that I have left without guilt, with relief, with joy cause although I appear to seem very happy, bubbly, funny and care free to all my friends and relatives, deep down inside I crave the end that would have me finally free.
6 and half years ago my beloved father past away from lung cancer; he was 49, I wasn’t much present in the process of his last days as my mind was so shocked, I just couldn’t cope with seeing him dying. So instead I was there a few times and a bit before his last days. He was suffering like a dog, his life just became nothing and my life became just this pile of deep, dense dark. My mum wasn’t grieving, don’t even know if I should judge her or not, she is draining me so I need to keep her away. My brother an I never had a great relationship, haven’t seen him in 6 years nor I’m interested to see him.
My father’s death had me still and constantly numb, angry, furious, full of hate, I have never knew who I was hating.
I am still furious after 6 and half years. Why? Why after so long I am still so angry and furious? How can one live like that and where do I find the answer that I could use as tool to help myself?
My father died in February 2013 and in September 2014, 10 days after his birthday, my cousin died. She was 16, the only child and my only cousin from my parents brothers.
My grandmother found her dead, it wasn’t a suicide nor a murder but now after 5 years, I still don’t know why she died. Initially The autopsy didn’t reveal one single thing but then more test were done and the results came. My mum asked me not to ask the reason anymore and just respect their pain. So I did.
I felt like some slapped my right cheek and then my left cheek leaving me questioning everything.
Now I understand and found a reason for the “why?” question.
But what I don’t understand is why on God’s name, my grief feels so fresh? Why do I feel like my father and my cousin are dying every day? What am I doing wrong?
You know I cannot talk about them without feeling the need to get on the floor and scream?
I just feel like my grief is a monster that for awhile is wide awake and then falls asleep. When the monster is asleep, I can breathe a bit better but when he is awake, I am like now. I have been crying for the past 2 hours straight…
There is no one to tell these things, my grandmother says I should get over this already, my mum would say that I am crazy and that I should stop this behaviour, my friends don’t know what to say and absolutely none of them let me talk. None of them ever let me talk about this and if they did, after 30 minutes they became overwhelmed.
I could talk to the mother of my cousin because with her I can talk about grief but she is grieving, because she is defeated just like me. But I make her so sad and I fear ruining her day.
You know I get off of my bed every morning to go to work just so I can pay my rent … if I would have had my own house, I wouldn’t even work, I need food, I don’t feel hunger, I don’t feel physical pain, I don’t need to see the sun, I just want to lay in my bed and sleep. I could sleep for years on end.
How do I make this stop? Why after so long I still haven’t come to terms with this?