My wonderful husband died 4 years ago, with a cruel disease called MSA.
I’m still as low as can be, and feel full of pain and loss, despite doing all the things people tell you to do after a major loss. I do voluntary jobs galore, but each time I go to them, or leave them, I feel deep emptiness, and wish I could just die too. Whilst I’m doing them, I put on ‘the face of normality’ No one is interested in my pain, so I keep it hidden.
I’m very pleasant and kind to everyone I meet, but not one person ever asks how I am. I am very alone in the world, no children or grandchildren - no family. I just put one foot in front of the other, but I just want my life to end. I’m not suicidal, as I haven’t got the strength to organise it.
On top of all the pain and loss, I’m trying to cope with a severe attack of eczema all over my face. I’ve never had it before, and the doctor says I will always have it now - I look horrific, and nothing I do is making it better.
I so miss my husband comforting me, and caring about me. I have no one that cares anymore, so I might as well not be here.
My wonderful husband died 4 years ago, with a cruel disease called MSA.
@Jacqui3 dear jacqui please don’t feel that you have failed. Grief is different for everyone. I lost my partner in april 2021 and it will be 2 years next month and I’m totally broken. How could we not be they were our soulmates and everything to us. I’m also alone apart from my pets. I’m sorry no one ever asks you how you are. You will find support here from people that care and understand what you are going through. I just wanted to tell you. You are not alone and there are people who care. You can message me anytime . Please take care. xxx
Oh @Jacqui3 , you sound so, so sad and down.
I know that nothing anyone does or says can compensate for the great feeling of loss and emptiness that comes with bereavement and grief so I won’t even try.
Have you had any sort of professional grief counselling in your last 4 years?
If not, could you access this via your GP if you think it would help.
It would at least give you the opportunity to speak to someone about how you feel.
There is also a strong link between eczema and stress ie. ongoing stress can make eczema worse - and which one of us bereaved souls doesn’t feel stressed?
It may be that helping with the grief may help to some degree with the eczema.
Please don’t think of yourself as a failure - there is no pass or fail in this particular life test.
Sending you a vitual hug.
I’m so sorry to hear how low you feel. I lost my husband 2 years and 3 months ago and I am still grieving just the same as when I lost him. The only difference is that I have learnt to hide it better. I do have a family who are good but we don’t talk these days about Paul’s Death as I don’t want to distress them and I know it would. It sounds to me as though you are doing a good job of managing your grief and trying hard. I often think I haven’t moved forwards at all but when I look back to that first year I realise I have and I’m sure you will be able to see that too, I really don’t see a time when I am not yearning for my old life but know that is gone for good. Love to you and I hope life does get better for you slowly but surely.
A huge hug
Oh lovely lady you have not failed, no one gets over a loss so great, you learn to live alongside your grief but that doesn’t mean you’re ok. I’m just over three years on & things have improved as far as I am not crying all the time, but last week I had a day where I just couldn’t face the world & didn’t get out of bed & every morning I think another day without him & I’m sad. The things we should have been doing together, he never got to meet his grandson, it cuts me in two most days. I have got better at locking those feelings away, you don’t move on, you move forward because you have to. Please don’t feel like your life isn’t worth it, the voluntary work you do is amazing & will be helping lots of people. Tell yourself, you’re doing the best you can & perhaps tomorrow will be a little better.
Take care xx
Dear Jacqui3, My Husband died 3 years ago and for me the pain of losing him has also become deeper as their is no real answer to the emptiness that I feel. I have lost the support of some so called friends and family which has been so painful. Like you I have been doing some voluntary work and go out to coffee mornings with a group that I have joined to try and fill my days, but I so miss my darling Husband who loved me so much and was always there most of the time after we retired. There are only so many pills you can take from the GP and so much counselling that you can take. It helps me so much to read here that other people like yourself are feeling the same. I have not posted messages here for some time as I did not want to upset anyone that you can still feel dreadful after 3 years of the death of my Husband. This site is a great comfort to me to hear that that other people feel the same. Love and hugs to you from CAZ3F
Thank you for your post. I lost my darling 2 years 3 months ago and I know exactly where you are coming from… I am lucky in as much as my family and most of my friends are very supportive but no matter how much love they give me it’s just not my Paul. Best wishes to you.
I feel your pain, feeling exaclty the same, except i can not put a pleasant face. Some people ask me HOW AM I, but i know they don’t mean it, they kind of except i would say I’m fine, so they don’t have to feel guilty. How am i supposed to be fine after I lost my husband 4 months ago, have to move out of my HOME for the last 25 yrs, not knowing where i’m going, no plans, can’t think more than I hour at the time. My so drain and exhausted, than like you i am not suicidal, but the thought cross my mind. Yesterday a real friend of mine stop by, and i was finally able to tell her HOW I FEEL, when i woke up today, i did not cry, just feel like i was able to get dress and do a little in the house. Lots of folks around keep telling me everything will work out, however right now, i don’t see it. Id rather nobody ask me how i feel (especially if they don’t mean it) than having to lie about it .
Jacqui3, at the end of this month my wife will have been gone for 3 years. It would have been her birthday yesterday, then next weekend is Mothering Sunday. Like you, I have thought about ending it but I am too much of a coward to do anything about it. I feel that the eczema I now have (most of my arms and legs) has been brought about by the stress of trying to cope on my own. I hope you talk to him every day, as I still talk to Viv, it does help me. I had bereavement counselling a few months after she left me. It was useful but didn’t really answer my question which was “why?”. I always think I failed because I couldn’t do anything about it but I do realise now that some things are out of our control. Take care, there are loads of people on here who can help, even if you just need to offload. I know this for a fact, because they’ve helped me. Hugs from me, John
ive just joined the community, I lost my wife on the 13 feb 4weeks ago, im so lost, I walk from one room to another talking to her and wondering what to do, I feel guilty if I do something then suddenly realise I hadn’t thought about her for two minutes. I wear her socks, her chemo hat, I sit with her coat around me. as with you all, our partners are our best friends. I live in her parents home at the moment, the reason is in my profile. the issue with those who say, “you have to move on” have no idea unless they are cold hearted. my step son showed me a cartoon on the difference between someone expressing Sympathy and someone expressing Empathy . those people who say move on, clearly have no Empathy
I feel you, as i’m doing the same, as i really don’t know what else to do. So far, the only thing i’m happy about is i found this website. This is not a joyful website, but it 's fill of people who understand how we feel. But my closest friend , i don’t want see anybody else, as they might mean well, but i’m so tired to answer the question HOW AM I, hoping i’ll answer yeah i’m great life is good. Hopefully all together, will find a little bit of motivation every day and find some energy at the end of the day. Take care @Kev2 and all the other ones in our situation.
I only found this website an hour ago, and im beginning to realise that i’m not on my own, a few days before Izzy passed, she told me that I have to get on with my life, as difficult as it may be , she had no idea bless her.
some people don’t know how to ask, so they don’t , they have only sympathy and no empathy.
Go out and when they ask, tell them how your feeling, don’t hold back.
stay strong, keep in touch with the community
@Kev2 , welcome to this community, which I only joined a couple of months ago but I have found this the best place I’ve been. I’ve done counselling, talk to friends and after 3 years (nearly) I still talk to her every day. You will move on a bit when the time comes, I think I am getting there, although it’s tough. Forget the the glib phrases such as “You have to move on”, as sometimes there is no moving on as you can see it at the moment - it’s what you want that is important. I still wear her waterproof coat when I take the dogs out on rainy days. I know what you mean about empathy and this is what the people on here have lots of. Stay with us, take care and make the most of this fabulous site, talk to us about whatever, we don’t mind. We are all here for you and each other, John
@Lonely i so agree with your thoughts regarding grieving, and the stress which contributes to changes in our bodies. I’ve never had eczema before but it is now a major thing in my life. Take care, all my love to you, John
Thanks for that, it’s four weeks today, the only good time is at night in the dark, in bed when I can’t see the empty space, it’s the only time I can see her, if that makes any sense. Even her sister has no empathy, to be honest I don’t think she’s upset.
Hi, I have not been on here for a while but your post popped up when I had an email. I can relate so much with everything you say. You certainly haven’t failed but I know what you mean. It will be 3 years on 15th May I lost my hubby to Parkinson’s. Last saw him on the 12th April, 2020 and never saw him again. I am feeling very low at the moment too. I do not have any children and what little family support I was offered has been withdrawn (through no fault of my own) that’s another family story! It’s just me and my two dogs who literally keep me going.
Things got worse a few weeks ago when I found out that my mum had cancer and they have given her a year at the most, she lives with my stepdad. We talk often but not mother/daughter close. Then 2 weeks ago I had what I am sure was a gallbladder attack. I had been having achy ribs on the right side off and on for a while but put it down to rib strain, lifting things, or from a bad fall I had several years ago. It was scary and I have had niggly aches and pains under right cage and back since. I have changed my diet now as I sort of gradually changed what I was eating after I lost my hubby, which was probably the cause if it is gallstones. Anyhow, I don’t drive and know I won’t cope with hospital visits etc. on my own anyway, so feel very low. I have ordered some special capsules which flush out your liver and gallbladder and the reviews are amazing. I can’t face any operation with no support. I too feel very alone and the thought of the rest of life like this as I;m getting older (I’m 68) I can’t face. I suffer with outbreaks of eczema as well, usually on my elbows, edge of forehead and hands. I had it on my face once a long time ago. The cream hydrocortiscone helped but then I started using a face cream with manuka honey in it on my elbows/hands and it has completely gone! I also want my hubby to be here, especially when I feel poorly and so low but I talk to him all the time and have so many signs. I feel the same, that I have no one who cares and if it weren’t for my dogs I’m not sure I would be here. Sorry, hope I’m not depressing you even more but just to say that you will, I am sure get through this. Have you any pets to care for and to love as this makes such a huge difference when you have no one. Take care.
@Lonely , I have 2 small dogs (Shi Tzus) that share my bed every night. Sometimes I will wake up with one of them cuddling up to me and think I it is Viv before I realise it’s a dog! I won’t get rid of our king size bed because that’s one of the things that comforts me constantly. @Kev2 It’s difficult to know how this all works but I don’t see Viv unless one of the dogs encourages me to do so in the night time. Please be kind to your sister as everybody deals with loss and grief in a different way. sometimes, people can’t do empathy, it’s a difficult emotion to get to grips with. I hope you understand, take care and be strong, John
Big hugs and tons of love to you all. I cried whilst driving the car today and had to pull over for half an hour. It took me 20 mins to then drive on home only to be seen by a neighbour as I got out of the car who called out to me " better day today isnt it". I fled in doors sat on the stairs and screamed. What is happening to me am I losing the plot ? 3 years after my darling hubby died and I still feel like this. Thank God for a gin and tonic and a cigarette and a warm and comfy bed to go to. XXXX to you all.
Your words are so sad and I totally
understand the pain and loss you feel every minute of every day. You havent failed. There is no failure with grief, just time and you will find some release from the intense pain and loss.
Have you considered speaking to a bereavement counsellor or trying to find a bereavement chat group.
They may help. I go to a bereavement cafe in Bury St Edmunds every week. Everyone understands because they are experiencing the same feelings and just talking or listening does help. There are experienced hospice staff if you need to speak to them too. We have coffee and cake and the two hours flies by and I find it has helped me as John has only been gone for five months.
I have good and bad days and try to get on with my life but very often feel like you. You will find the strength to see the point of carrying on, we all will , but when we are ready. There is no set time.
I go to Pilates and aerobics and a friend does yoga. All these classes help with stress and help to relax you. This may help your eczema
Thinking of you and keep letting us know your feelings. We are all here for you and listening. Hugs and Love xx