I’ve lost both parents

4 years ago I sat in a hospital and watched my mum pass away from cancer and last year in the same hospital I watched my dad pass away suffering with dementia. It was horrible. Very graphic! One minute they are here and the next…gone.

I don’t get on with any of the 4 sisters I have and they have literally disappeared with out so much as leaving a phone number. So I find myself totally alone in a flat which I share with someone I know.

Just can’t seem to come to terms with the fact I am a orphan at 36 years old. Alll I do most days is stare into space thinking about my mum and dad. It could be what I did wrong or not making them proud etc but they are constantly on my mind.

I have never felt so alone in all my life and it seems that not one person cares.
I even spoke to a doctor about it who gave me some sort of number to speak to a councillor which for a guy like me goes against everything I know, talking about your feelings. But I phoned the line and was shocked at how I was treated. They just kept saying I needed to be assessed on the phone and I will be called back by this person and that and all they kept asking was the same questions. In the end it got so ridiculous I gave up.

Just do not know how I will ever come to terms with losing them. My mum especially was my rock. I came to her about everything and it all seemed better after a bit of advice from mum.
Who do I go to now? Seriously do not know how I can go on living with out them never seeing them or speaking to them again.
And I know people will say the same things, it will get better and easier to come to terms with. I don’t want to come to terms with it!
A lot of the time I feel like I am wasting oxygen! Pointless.

Hi Riverkane,

I’m so sorry that you’ve lost both your parents. Life is so unfair. I lost my Dad last year and he was my world.

I just want to say that people do care. I care and that’s why I’m responding to your post. Feel free to message me, I can’t help you bear the pain but I am willing to listen.

May I suggest trying a different counselling service? I used the one through my local hospice. I think there was a free video counselling service through this website (worth checking). It’s brave of you to reach out and you may well feel some relief from being able to talk to somebody about your feelings.

Take care of yourself.

Sending a big hug xxx

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:heart: ((hugs))

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Dear Riverkane,

I am another one saying they care. I am so sad and sorry to read your post. You have gone through so much the last four years, to lost your much loved Mum to cancer and now your Dad through the horribleness of dementia. It is very hard and I am not surprised you are feeling completely bereft. I am sorry also about your sisters being so unfeeling, are they older than you?

What particularly resonated with me was you saying that you are an orphan. I lost my Dad over 20 years ago very unexpectedly to a heart attack My Mum just over 2 years ago to cancer. I remember saying to my sister that we were orphans now. Probably one of the last civil conversations I had with her.

You mention worrying about your parents not being proud of you. You also say about being with them when they were ill. I think you should be extremely proud that you supported them at such a time. Your Mum must have been very frightened and having you there would have made a huge difference. Your Dad even with dementia would have had an awareness of you and anything you did for him. This cannot have been at all easy for you, seeing someone you love ill or confused is horrible and you supported them.

I am sorry you had a bad expereince with counselling. Don’t be put off though and ask your doctor if there any other alternatives. Yes it is a big thing talking about yourself and opening up about your innermost feelings. It may help. You have joine this online community however which is good as people here are non-judgmental and do understand.

I am not going to say it gets better because nothing can ever make up for the loss of your parents. I read a very apt comment yesterday. The comment said bereavement is like an amputation losing someone, you are always missing a part of you. I have reached a sort of acceptance of the loss of my parents, I don’t like it though and feel a constant numbness in me. What gets me through is spending about ten minutes every day just relaxing and thinking about my Mum and Dad, how much I loved them and remembering the happy times I had growing up. Sometimes I sit at home and others I make time to go for a walk. If I cry doing so, so be it, it relieves tension and stress.

There are no real answers, just taking each day at a time. Some days are bad and others can feel almost better.

Please keep coming back here for help. Everyone here has something in common, we have all lost or are about to lose someone we love.

Mel
Xxx

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Hi daffodil,

Thanks a lot for sending that message. That was super sweet what you said.

The day after writing what I wrote I started to regret it for some strange reason because that is the first time I have ever really spoke about my parents like that with anyone, literally. But I guess this is what the site is for and I am kind of glad I did after reading the replies. Actually felt like I was given a hug. So thanks again I really appreciate that.
And I am also so sorry to hear about your dad. It’s not nice is it.
Regarding the councilling I really don’t know as I thought you could literally see someone straight away but it’s such a long process to go through before you even see someone so I am a little sceptical.

But again thank you so much for that message it brought a smile to my face today.

Hi Mel,

Thank you Mel I appreciate that a lot seriously.
It has been a nightmare couple of years to be honest.

To be honest with you Mel I was not the best brother to my sisters at all, which is why they have totally washed their hands of me completely. It was more to do with the way my dad was looked after when he had dementia because ofcourse those types of patients need around the clock care.
At times I would have a look at his bedroom and his sheets wouldn’t even be changed since the last time and I would see one of my sisters just sitting their watching tv so my handling of that was not the greatest, I would tend to be rude a lot of the times, maybe I was just stressed and taking it out on them but yea it kind of stemmed from the days of us all chipping in and taking turns to look after dad.

They are all older then me darlin, I am the baby of the family.

Aww I am so sorry to hear about your lovely mum and dad also.
Yea I just hate feeling like that but it is actually the truth, I am an orphan now. Hate that word.

Thank you for saying that Mel but if I am being really honest with myself I don’t think they was proud.
I was a naughty kid who broaught nothing but trouble to my parents I really did and they were good people. Guess it’s something I have to live with that I can’t change.
Do you know what my mums last words were to me before she lost her speech…”don’t act like one”
I was arguing with my sister infront of my mum and I said to my sis don’t treat me like a little boy, and as I stood up to leave my mum looked at me and said don’t act like one. I try and laugh about it because if I don’t I’d cry but that just goes to show, I never made them proud. It is what it is I guess.

Ahh my dad’s situation was even harder you are right. He was dam near unrecognisable, speech wise, personality wise etc. I would not wish that on my worse enemy!

I admire you Mel because I just can’t except it I really don’t know why.
That was a very smart saying I totally get that amputee sort of metaphor but I dunno, I just struggle everyday.
I love sleeping now because I think that I have a chance of seeing them in my dreams which I rarely do strangely enough but now and then I have a brilliant dream and I see my mum.
Thinking about them gets my so angry and bitter. It’s weird and hard to explain.

Thanks again Mel!

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