I don’t want to go on I want to go and find him. Nothing matters any more. I’ve had brilliant support from my GP and family but none of it matters. I’ve read lots of your stories and they all resonate with me, the screaming until I’m hoarse, all to no avail he’s not coming back. If there is someone who watches over us didn’t he give the worst pain in grief. I don’t know what to do. I cry in shops, tell anyone who will listen, drive around for hours or sit staring. Pills do nothing. I’m also glad of my age and heart condition as I pray I’m with him soon. My grandchildren are all that stops me currently.
I’m so sorry for your loss I feel the same I’ve lost my soulmate of seventeen years im only 39 it’s was six months on Wednesday when he fell asleep in my arms I can go on anymore either your in my thoughts
Thank you so much for replying. Much love and I will think of you.
Thankyou it’s awful people say time will heal I will never heal I just want my soulmate back in my arms I was 22 he was 23 when we met we were together for seventeen years he’s fell asleep in my arms on the 24th of October gone so it was six months Wednesday gone im completely hearbroken never felt a physical and mental pain like it he passed away three months before his 40th birthday I cant describe how I felt at the chapel of rest having to read him his Christmas and birthday card out and lay his birthday bag etc…in Im lost I just hope whoever is up there take me before my 40th next month too we planned our later years together all cruelly ripped away my hopes and dreams what I’d do for even on more stroke of his hair or a kiss on the forehead niw im alone in a quiet house it’s no home now words can’t describe the pain you take care and thanks for the reply too x
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Please keep in touch my heart aches for you. At least we were older but doesnt help the pain. Your grief must be unbearable I wish I could offer more than words.xx
Hi Katie,
I’m so sorry to hear how much pain you are in, and that you wish you could join your partner. It can be understandable to have these thoughts when you are grieving, but it’s still really important to get some support, so I’m glad you’ve felt able to share things here on the site.
It is good that you have a supportive GP and family, and I would encourage you to reach out and speak to them about how you are feeling as much as possible.
We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
If you ever feel that you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
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Thankyou so much for your kind words i really appreciate it your in my thoughts take care of yourself too x
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Hi Ade.
I too understand how you feel. No matter how long you had your partner be it two years or twenty years, it does not diminish the pain. Everyone can be so kind and very often helpful, but the pain remains. I find the loneliness the worst part. Waking in the morning and not hearing the tea cups being put out and the house noises is hard to bear. My wife died six months ago and I will have to be patient and try and make the best of what’s left.You are right, no words can describe the pain; it’s beyond words. Also this is the worse time of year for me as my wife was a nature lover and she loved it when the trees came out in leaf. Unfortunately there is nothing that does not stir memories. I thought of moving away to escape the surroundings, but I would still take myself wherever I went with all the memories. The surroundings and the people we knew may change, but my heart would still be here. I have met with such love and kindness since she passed and without exception everyone has been so understanding. I live in a Christian community which has helped. But I have to confess to a temporary loss of faith when my wife was so ill. Why? Perhaps we will only find out when we also arrive. It seems that many have the experience of being upset by what others say about their loss. Most people find it difficult to discuss death with someone who has been bereaved. I think it reminds them of their own mortality. There are many clichés and sayings that are stock phrases for those who try and help. ‘Time will make it right’ for instance. Will it? I don’t know because I have not been here before and I have no idea if time will do any healing or not. I have seen others bereaved and I have also lost relatives, but the recent loss has been overwhelming emotionally. But one thing I feel I have and it’s something we all have. Courage! Oh yes you have, and your posts show it although you may not think so. It often lies dormant in us until it’s needed and the we realise that life goes on, (sorry, another cliché!). Take care everyone. We still have each other to help where we can and share the pain.
Hi Jonathan thanks for your reply and kind words im so so sorry for your loss yes it was six months Wednesday gone since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms its so traumatic I can’t or ever get what rocked our world we had thought we’d grow old together everything I haven’t been able to even turn the television on since October the thought of putting a cup out in the morning horrifies me looking over at an empty chair and placemat just want to hear the bath run toilet flush footsteps up or down the stairs anything I’d trade just to even have one more kiss on the forehead in the chapel of rest I wouldn’t wish the fear in my partners face looking at me for help as I held hands doctors nurses machines all around I felt hopeless being rushed to critical care it’s all terrifying I cant get it out if my head the countless meetings with the doctors in the family room begging if there was anything else they could do go private anything in the world
Your so right my partner passed at 39 would have been 40 in January the first Christmas I had alone new year’s eve and day birthday pancake day st Patricks Day all Easter Weekend I couldn’t even open the blinds Friday until Tuesday thinking what we were doing last year where we’d be this year away for the weekend or out for a meal and a few drinks we celebrated every occasion yes summer nights we would sit in the garden with the chimnea on watering plants just everything it’s a total nightmare I won’t ever be the same my first love my soulmate we dud everything together from shopping and gardening to walks holidays we were a very self sufficient couple now all that’s left is a empty silent house we’d made a home and to be so cruelly and brutally taken away I’ll never comprehend your in my thoughts and prayers stay blessed and thanks for your message take care of yourself
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Katie and Ade …So very, very sorry that you are in such pain. Jonathan is right when he says that the pain remains but it does slowly become less visceral…the knife doesn’t keep turning with such viciousness. . and somehow we manage to live with it and not let it defeat us. Remember always…it is the person who has died…not the love that you shared…that can never die but will be with you forever. Take care…God bless and keep you x
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Thankyou so much for your kind words i appreciate them from the bottom of my broken empty heart god bless you and your loved ones take care xx
Hi amelie’s gran thank you so much for your hopeful words. I try to get out but it is only 2 weeks so an open wound. Thank you
It’s unbearable I cant imagine your pain it was six months Wednesday gone since my soulmate of seventeen years fell asleep in my arms I haven’t been able to even turn the television on since October im utterly heartbreakon destroyed we planned our later years together it’s all been stolen from me so cruelly and brutally taken away I hope in time you can get some rest I know my pain will never leave im sitting in a quiet silent home we built niw it’s just a house all I want us my soulmate back I’d do anything even one last kiss on the forehead in the chapel of rest my life is over take care your in my thoughts and prayers stay blessed x
Another day to face Ade, another day we have to get through with the excrutiating pain. I’ve taken my medication I’ve had my first rant and nothing seems any better. He was such a happy person didn’t have pain how can people say its for the best he had the best as did I. I always have been a reader but I can’t open a book just like you with the tv. Today I meet Margaret my friend i will wander round shops and I too will come back to this empty house. You will be in my thoughts, I will pray that we can find a little chink of light in this very dark and cruel world. Can you even take a little walk round your area? Keep writing i am here for you as are others. Much love xxxx
Hi there thankyou for your reply it’s utterly devastating I woke up to think my partners head would be on the pillow another heartbreak even if I could just go to the hospital to feed him I’d give anything in this world thankyou for your kind words I cant face going for a walk but thankyou we’d be probably in the garden doing some gardening planting some new summer plants as we’d talked about in hospital my pain is ever growing no day is getting easier how can it my world my reading for getting up making the tea getting two cups out its all been stolen I hope you have a best time as you can with your friend your in my thoughts take care speak later stay safe xx
Hi. Bristles.
Age is just a number. What we all feel has little to do with age. A broken heart is still the same at 20 or 90. I often, of late, look at couples who can’t seem to get on together and think if only they knew how precious time is to be together. No marriage or partnership is without ups and downs. But hindsight is all very well. “The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on, and all our piety and wit cannot remove one word of it”. We can’t put the clock back, but we can look forward even though it can be so painful. 70 is no age these days. I’m older than that and still reasonably fit. And so was my wife until the last few months. The old wartime song comes to mind. “We’ll meet again, don’t know where don’t know when………”
Hope. We must try and hope. Feeling some hope, no matter how small, can help a lot in facing the future. Blessings.
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Hi there thanks for your message im so sorry for your loss it’s utterly devastating im the same have no desire to go on there is nothing all we had was eachother a very self sufficient couple a small amount of friends who understandably have there own lives and may have had a loss but losing the love if your life the one you smiled at in the morning or just felt comfortable knowing there in another room or at the shops or you can see them through the window in the garden a kiss goodnight just those little conversations for example tea or coffee everything has gone now just an empty house sending as much strength as I can your way take as much care as possible x
Again Jonathan very well said. I am so pleased you bought up the bit about the broken heart and age. I thought I was strong enough to cope with this grief. But like so many I am having days when I just struggle so much it wears me out. Today I mixed with colleagues and friends and found I just couldn’t do it. I sat away from them listening to them laughing and talking and although they was kind I struggled.I had to leave in the end, otherwise I would have made a fool of myself by crying. How can one day be so different from another. Yesterday I was much more positive and mixed quite happily. My husband was also a fit seventy plus. Walked, cycled and had so much he still wanted to do. I also grab at every bit of hope for peace and a sort of future and as much as I miss my husband I refuse to be beaten. So thank you for your encouragement I am so grateful and I hope it will help others. Pat xxx
Hello Bristles I think we might just be pushing each other to get on the bus first. Right now I’d make a deal with the devil just to see him again. I have 2 broken marriages and tho I experienced great pain nothing comes close to this. I’m like a headless chicken, been to exercise class (I’m 72) counselling, volunteered for charity work all in 2 weeks because if I stop too long I think and I can’t stand the pain. Thank you so much we can only support each other and there’s no right way or wrong way to grieve.
I wish we stayed close and I’d try to help you. I feel your pain so much. I’m going to plant some flowers for Colin which will be just a space for him. Why don’t we do that? You can tell me what plants you’ve put in and maybe a special rose and I can do the same. Maybe a little wind chime to soothe. I hope you are eating, I’m forcing myself. Will speak soon Ade hugs xxxxxxxx