I want to be with him

I lost my partner of 14 years in Feb 2019 an if anything the pain is getting worse. We have 4 beautiful children together an I am so grateful I still have a part of him living on in each an everyone of them.
I just feel so sad an alone I have friends an family but its his company I crave an miss so desperately.
He died suddenly on my youngest sons bday of a heart attack he was only 34. He had no previous medical problems so it was a massive shock to everyone. 10 months on an all I want to do is stay in the house an not have to face people. Christmas has been very hard, I didn’t want to do anything but I had to for our children. I did most of my Christmas shopping online as it was just to painful going into shops were everyone seemed so happy an Christmas song playing in the background it was just to much. I can’t help but wish it was me that had gone so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain an heartache that I feel every single day. Having my partner die suddleny I though was the worst pain ever until my children woke up an I had to tell them their daddy had gone to heaven. I can still remember their little faces as they tried to process what I had just told them.
I constantly feel not good enough for them and as selfish as it sounds I wish it was me that had gone and sometimes feel my children would be better off without me. I do have some good days were I just remember the good times we had together but recently they are hard to think of through the pain an guilt.

I hope one day I can accept his gone an move forward for the sake of my children.

Hi Sarah ,

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your partner suddenly at such a young age. It must be incredibly hard to be left with four children to care for on top of your grief, and I’m very sorry that you sometimes feel that they would be better off without you. I’m sure you know that this isn’t really true, but it sounds as though the feeling can be overwhelming at times.

It can be common to experience thoughts like this in bereavement, but it’s still important to have someone to talk to about them and to get some support. I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you are feeling here on the site and I hope you will find it helpful to have this space to share things with other bereaved people.

We had another user join recently called @LuvB who also lost his wife at the age of 30, with two young children - you might be interested to read and reply to his post here: Lost my darling wife this month at a young age

There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling. The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

Widowed and Young is another organisation that can connect you to others in similar situations.

Winston’s Wish and Grief Encounter are two good places that support bereaved children and young people.

You deserve care and support so please, Sarah, consider getting in touch with some of these services.

If you ever feel you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,


I am so sorry for your loss. Everything you write will resonate with all the wonderful people here and reading posts across the threads will help so please keep visiting.
Can I just add that you are really quite amazing! To have given your children as good a Christmas as possible whilst grieving so much for your husband is really beautiful and your children are blessed to have you.
The road ahead is uncertain for everyone but for those who have lost their soulmate there are many twists and turns to navigate…let the love in your heart help you step forward.
Love and blessings to you and your children x

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Thank you so much amelie_sgran for your kind words.

I did try my best to give them a good Christmas even though I didn’t feel like celebrating. I am just so relieved it’s over.

I never knew pain like this before an never though it was possible to feel so lonely.

I know it will eventually get easier but in a way I kind of don’t want it to as it means accepting he has gone an I may start to forget.

It’s a big comfort to me to have found this site knowing there are ppl in simarl situations and are feeling the same pain.

I hope you are doing well. X

Hi Sarah I understand how you are feeling. I lost my partner suddenly in May 2018 he also had a heart attack he was only 48. I have 2 boys who are 18 and 25. I’ve just returned back on to this site as it has helped me a lot. Try and get lots of support and don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t want to do. Its so hard and I feel for you having young children. Sometimes I wish it had been me instead. I hope this site helps you as much as it has helped me.
Take care
Christine x

to a heart attack


Thank you for your reply. I’m just taking each day at a time an trying to keep things as normal as possible for the children.

People keep saying how strong I am an how well I have coped but to me I feel completely the opposite when I just want to curl up in a ball an cry. It’s easier to put on a front an get on with things rather then to ask for help.

Who did you find helped you the most? I haven’t yet had any counselling but I do think I need it not just for myself but for my children so I can be there for them.


Hi I did some counselling over the phone which helped a bit cruse bereavement counselling are supposed to be good. People tell us we are strong but we put on a face. Try not to bottle things up because it doesn’t help. Take all the help and support you can get.
Christine x

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