I lost my partner of 14 years in Feb 2019 an if anything the pain is getting worse. We have 4 beautiful children together an I am so grateful I still have a part of him living on in each an everyone of them.
I just feel so sad an alone I have friends an family but its his company I crave an miss so desperately.
He died suddenly on my youngest sons bday of a heart attack he was only 34. He had no previous medical problems so it was a massive shock to everyone. 10 months on an all I want to do is stay in the house an not have to face people. Christmas has been very hard, I didn’t want to do anything but I had to for our children. I did most of my Christmas shopping online as it was just to painful going into shops were everyone seemed so happy an Christmas song playing in the background it was just to much. I can’t help but wish it was me that had gone so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain an heartache that I feel every single day. Having my partner die suddleny I though was the worst pain ever until my children woke up an I had to tell them their daddy had gone to heaven. I can still remember their little faces as they tried to process what I had just told them.
I constantly feel not good enough for them and as selfish as it sounds I wish it was me that had gone and sometimes feel my children would be better off without me. I do have some good days were I just remember the good times we had together but recently they are hard to think of through the pain an guilt.
I hope one day I can accept his gone an move forward for the sake of my children.