I will never get answers now :-(

As a child my father was my hero, but he was also a violent man. Quite often I would have the odd bruise or red mark. I finally escaped and went to live with my mom at the age of 11/12. Throughout my teens I wouldn’t speak to him. The last time he went to hit me was when I was 17, but by now I was a very head strong young women and stood up to him.

He did try and speak to me over the following years but I had basically disowned him by then. I said I wouldn’t speak to him until he apologised for the beatings. He wouldn’t thou.

One day he tried he tried again but I turned away and said I didn’t want to talk to him. He calmly said “when you’re ready” This was the last thing he ever said to me.

Over the next 20+ years I would have moments when I wanted to talk to him but couldn’t as I wanted him to say sorry for what he did to me and my mom.
He dead 5 weeks ago today, at Leckhampton. Finally I was ready to see him, to talk to him. I asked him why he wouldn’t say sorry. I am never going to get the answer to that now. He didn’t look like the monster I remember. Listening to my sisters and his partner he wasn’t that monster anymore.

I am very lost at the moment. I am ok if I am busy but don’t do so well when alone, doesn’t help I live alone and spend a lot of time driving to and from work where my mind also seems to focus on this now. I cant talk to family as I dont do “talking”.

One of his last wishes was that all his girls got on again as we had falling out many years ago and this wish he got. We all carried his coffin and since have been together as a family group many times.

Hi Louise,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad.
I too lost my Dad earlier this year. Before he died he told me a secret about his life which rocked and traumatised my world and my view of my Father. I could not tell my Mum or my Sister about this as I truly felt it would have the same effect on them.
I never found out why he chose to share this secret with me really. I felt it was a selfish thing to do as it ruined my view of my Dad.
I’m telling you this as sometimes we never find out the answer to the “Why” questions and that can be so hard to accept and come to terms with.
I struggled, as I’m sure you are, with the wondering why. I too drive every day - I have a 50 mile journey to work and then back again. My mind was all over the place and many days I cried nearly all the way to work.
My support came from the Family Support Unit at my local hospice where my Dad had been treated. I was very lucky and will never forget their care and compassion. I have also found support through this site.
I can’t share my secret with my family - although my husband and a few close friends know about it - so I have support there too.
Please get support where you can. I know you say you don’t do talking. Maybe you could write your Dad a letter - sometimes it helps just to vent your feelings on paper if you aren’t a talker.
I’m not sure any of this is making sense, but I wish you love. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time.
We are all here for you
xxxxxxx

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Hello Louise, and welcome to the community.

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your father and all the unanswered questions this has left you with. It sounds as though you have so many conflicting emotions.

It is awful that he was violent towards you when you were young. You had every right not to forgive him, especially as he never said sorry, but it is also natural to grieve and feel lost.

I hope that it helps even a tiny bit to be able to write things down here. This is a supportive place where you will find many others who have experienced loss.

I thought you might be interested to read this post from a user called Owl, who writes about their complicated feelings after the death of their estranged father: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/death-my-estranged-father You can join in with that conversation by adding your own reply.

I wonder if you have ever considered counselling? It might help to have a neutral person to talk to about your feelings and those unresolved questions.

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