If you've lost a parent recently

To anyone who has recently lost a parent,my heart breaks for you because i know how that feels.It is a lonely and horrible place to be in.Especially at Christmas when everything is chaotic and you just want the world to stop.All the emotions you feel anger,sadness,guilt and so on just take over.
Just know that you are not alone.I found this out when i lost my mum which will be 3 years next February.I was so lost and had no one to turn to.I had never experienced grief before.
Then i found this community and it helped me understand what i was feeling was normal and with time the pain wouldnt be so intense and i would be able to be happy and enjoy life again.Everyones experience with grief is different.
Take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself and remember people will listen and they will be there for you.

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Thank you so much for this post, it’s reassuring to know that hopefully the pain will lessen. I lost my Dad a month ago and have sunk into a deep depression and am dreading Christmas. Today I have literally just sat on the sofa staring into space with no motivation to do anything. Reading your post reassures me that although this will always hurt, I may be able to regain my zest for life again one day.

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So sorry. :heart: Lost my dad five weeks ago, so we’re in the same awful headspace full of dread and depression. I don’t have any motivation either.

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Thank you for those words, StarHeart. This community is really great, I’m glad I found it.

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So sorry for your loss too Ulma, it’s the worst heartache ever isn’t it. I’m sorry you are struggling too.

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I have lost mine, loving and devoted parents, I had.

maybe we shouldn’t be doing anything. western society pushes on people so hard. perhaps we don’t need motivation right now. perhaps staring into space is what nature needs us to do.

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That’s true. We are expected to get over it quickly and be able to do all the things we used to do right away. Get back into the hamster wheel, so to speak. There is little acceptance for someone being broken by grief and needing time.

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Yes, totally agree. There’s a definite expectation to rush back to work and normality. I’ve been signed off work and am nowhere near ready to return after the trauma of losing Dad.

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Beautifully put @StarHeart thank you :pray: and so true. It’s a feeling only we know and unless anyone has experienced it, they cannot understand the pain and emptiness.
In the beginning I remember the silence, it went so quiet. It’s been two years and I can still spend hours staring at a wall.

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Perfectly understandable that you’re not ready. It seems to me, when it comes to losing a parent, that people are surprised it affects you so much. Maybe they didn’t have a close relationship with their parents, but I always find it annoying when people tell others how to grieve.

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To hear what everyone is going through.I remember feeling exactly the same way.I still have dark days but i also have more good days.I just wanted to let anyone who is struggling know. Life won’t always feel like this.I think as time goes on the person youve lost is with you but just in a different way.They are in happy memories and in memorable places that you’ve been together.They may be gone but they are never forgotten.
You remember their life rather than thinking about how they passed and all the bad things that happened during that time.

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That’s so true, I was horrified to be offered 5 days compassionate leave after losing Dad, we were so close. Society seems to expect you to bounce back so quickly.

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Did you know that if a child loses both parents that, in this country, they are not classed as being vulnerable. Random information I know but my point being this truly exemplifies how society is messed up.

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I’m with you there @StarHeart it won’t always be like this. Sadly we just get used to them not being here not because we want to but because of time. It doesn’t heal it just changes things but the pain is always there. I promise you all that there are happier days ahead.

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Hi Sal46

I do agree that you get use to the parent you have lost not being here anymore.The pain is always there. I think time helps in a way because everythings not so raw and the shock has worn off. You start to rebuild your life little by little but everyones experience of grief is different.
I wish grief and death was talked about more, just to experience it suddenly is really unfair and it can really turn your world upside down and change who you are.I wish I’d had the conversation with my mum about what would happen if she died.I never for a second thought she would die.I thought I’d be a lot older when that happened and there was time but life can change in a second . We don’t always have time.

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Hi StarHeart
As the shock wears off we start to feel and so grieving is really us feeling I think. Why we can’t discuss our feelings more is beyond me too. We all discuss and celebrate birth but death society seems to shy away from.
I know what you mean and I too wished I’d talked about it more. My Mum and I did some years ago as my Dad died very suddenly and it opened our eyes but when she was given her terminal diagnosis five years before she passed, she didn’t want to and this got worse before the end. She would hint at things but not want to discuss in detail.
I have thought about it since and think what it must have been like to be staring into the face of the end. Would I have wanted to? I suppose I don’t know until faced with it myself. I read others on here want to and seek advice from others in this safe space, I truly admire them and their selflessness and can’t imagine what that must feel like.
I’m just left with missing her, every minute of every day.
Even with me actually knowing she was going to die I still couldn’t and wouldn’t accept it. I guess I was in denial or something. Mums always get better no matter what and we think they will always be around. My brain even tricks me into believing she is sometimes.

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Hi Sal46
I do believe my mum is still here too sometimes because it still feels crazy that she isnt.
When i read peoples stories about losing a parent. I want to say it will get easier but like you said you have to feel and i suppose accept that your loved one is gone. It takes time,and life does move on whether you want it or not. I think the person you’ve lost would want you to move on with life. Theyd want to see you living again. Life is about the ups and downs and sometimes there’s more downs than ups.Grief comes in so many stages going from denial then to acceptance and back to denial and then back to another stage.Its not straightforward.
Its just a process that you have to go through in life which is so tough.
One of the hardest things for me was explaining to my son why his grandmother isn’t here anymore. He was 8 when she passed I think he sort of understands now but it breaks my heart that i can’t do anything to change the fact that she’s gone. They were so close.

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Sal46, I can relate to you completely. I was in denial too even after my sisters said Dad’s illness was terminal. He’d survived life threatening illnesses before and I just couldn’t accept the possibility that he wouldn’t this time. I now feel terrible that because of my denial he couldn’t open up to me about his fears and what lay ahead.

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I don’t think it easy to talk about it beforehand. Maybe if the person has fully accepted this is the end and perhaps not even then. I’ve read on here about some who have made arrangements, but it’s probably rare. Talking about it makes it final.

I was and am in denial as well. I doesn’t feel real and I don’t want it to be real. He had bounced back from serious issues before and it’s incomprehensible to me that he didn’t this time.

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Ulma, it reassures me that I’m not alone in this…it’s such a frightening fact to accept and in a weird way I was scared that by discussing it with him he’d quickly give up, bizarre I know. It’s so hard / impossible to contemplate the loss of a parent and that they are no longer around to share your life and milestones. :broken_heart:

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