I'm afraid I can't live without my mam

I’m not really sure how to use this platform.

I lost my mam suddenly in February this year.
She lived a hard life and always tried to do the best with the life she had been given, unfortunately we lost my brother around 2003 and she had a nervous breakdown and the rest of us were taken into foster care and they basically put an end to her seeing us.
It destroyed all of us, especially her. I finally got back into contact with her when I was 15 and her health wasn’t so good, we stuck together since then and I ended up becoming her full time carer and ended up living together. Honestly, even through the hardest times I wouldn’t have changed any of it. We dis everything together, shopped for clothes, went out to eat, cinema, tell her all of my secrets, talk until the sun came up, laughed and cried together, she held me and stroked my hair whenever I was hurting or just wanted to be close. She’s my best friend!
I almost lost her 2 years ago, she almost slipped into a coma. She had failing lungs due to COPD and many inflections but she was doing better. She came home, she was waiting to see her surgeon about being on the transplant list, we went back to being us two together. Unfortunately my brother came to stay with us because he had been released from prison (burglary because he was heavily addicted to heroin) and had nowhere else to go. He was her weakness, we’ve fought so much in the past for her constantly being manipulated by him, he caused her trouble, stole from her, treat her poorly and pretty much emotionally abused her.
I told her it wasn’t a good idea him coming to stay but she felt bad to turn him away. He seemed different, sober and a much nice person for two weeks and then I realised he’d started using again. Jewellery and devices were disappearing from my room, my mams jewellery too. I found him hiding syringes and told her immediately and he flew into a rage and triedbpunching me in the face. I told his probation worker and they were supposed to recall him but they didn’t. It became so bad in the house that I couldn’t stay. Things just went so bad so quick and I didn’t know what to do. He was controlling, took her phone and her money and still probation didn’t do anything. He wouldn’t allow her to talk on the phone to me and I was staying with my partner for two weeks (the longest we’d ever gone without seeing each other since being back in touch) I spoke to her a few days before for a few minutes on the phone. On the 4th February, my sister called my mam so she could tell her she was having a baby girl and me mam wished her a happy birthday, that night I got the call from my brother saying that she was dead and I just knew in my heart he’d done it.
When you just get the instinct.

I went straight home and she was lying on the living room floor, I knew it just wasn’t right.
I screamed at him that it was his fault.

I laid there with her for hours waiting for the undertakers. I held her hand the entire time, I kissed her face, I held her in my arms, I screamed and cried. I just wanted her to sit up and tell me she was ok, to give me a kiss and a hug. They treat it as suspicious circumstances and closed my home for investigation. They finally did my mams autopsy but came back inconclusive and so they did a toxicology and I’ve just found out that she was pumped full of different drugs. Enough morphine in her system to kill anyone, heroin and cocain. :sob: my mam wasn’t an addict, she could barely hold a half glass of water without spilling it for her skating hands. The investigation team took items they’d found in my brothers room and have his prints on her medication, the syringes. He’s completely wipes her bank account of her savings. Took her rings from her dead body, sold all of her jewellery.
It’s now going to trial.
I’m lost without her. My life has no meaning, no purpose. She deserved so much better, she shouldn’t have gone like that. She should have been surrounded by everyone that made sure she knew she was loved. She was stolen from me and I’m so angry and bitter and wracked with guilt and I just cannot cope without her here.
I don’t know if I need to talk to someone or if I just needed to get this off my chest as I’m only just now coming to terms with the fact she’s actually gone and she’s never coming back. I have no one in my life. If I knew for certain id be reunited with her I would have gone that very same night. I can’t take the pain of never seeing her again. It hurts so bad and I cannot breathe. :sob::sob:

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Oh Melanie, I really don’t know how to reply to you, your story is horrific, nobody should have to go through what you have gone through, you have done the right thing by getting in touch with this group, it is full of lovely people who will try and support you, but I do think you need to speak to somebody, Sue Ryder has a counselling service, sending you love xx

@MelanieReinie oh wow, what a truly horrific thing to go through! That is an absolutely terrible experience for both you and your mum. I don’t know how to reply to you either but I just needed to say that I hear you, I see you and I’m listening. I lost my Dad 6 months ago to a sudden heart attack caused by his COPD. It’s an awful thing to watch, the constant breathlessness, how weak they are and how many times we had to watch them so poorly in hospital fighting for their life. I’ll never forget it.
You said you have a partner, I hope they are supporting you through it. Like you, I have nobody else either and living with my boyfriend has been kind of a saviour even though he doesn’t know what to say or do half the time. Truth is, there’s nothing anyone can say or do that will make you feel better. I can only imagine the ordeal you’re about to go through but can very much understand the feeling of losing a parent who you cared for. I was my Dads carer the last few years. You miss that role as like you said, it’s so hard but you wouldn’t change a minute of it. My only advice is to take it so so slow, hour by hour and day by day. Try and keep up some kind of diet, some sleep and try get out for a walk daily. I also speak to Dad, write to him, wear his ashes everyday on my necklace and sleep with his T-shirt. Sorry I can’t offer more, there’s no guidebook to grief and it’s different for everyone. It’s the price we pay for love.

Take care.


Dear Melanie,
My heart goes out to you. You are an amazing woman you have been through more than any person should go through. I can totally relate when it comes to brothers mine is very similar and has caused me all sorts of problems in my life during my mums illness and her funeral. He is still causing me problems he has been a thief a drug addict (mum spent all her time getting him off it) and an alcoholic, and he is arrogant and a total liar, its one story after another. Nightmare If it wasn’t for my mum he too would have ended up in jail. He has a son whose mother is a drug addict and I helped bring him up and he has turned into the same kind of nasty evil shit his mother and father are. I too understand your pain.
I am glad that you have a partner to support you. Perhaps your sister will also support you and maybe since you did have foster parents at one time that maybe one of them was kind to you and would be glad to support you at this time. You really need someone to be there for you. I am very concerned about you and I think that you need to get some counselling sue ryder does some but maybe you could also talk to other organisations there is a group that helps people who are related to those with addictions and have to deal with the devastation they can cause. Your situation is worse than most. Perhaps the police involved in your mums case could recommend some counselling also you can ask social work for some help or your local GP could recommend some counselling. You need a specialist counselor and you should get it free because of your circumstances. Also anger is very natural in your circumstances it is natural in normal grief but you have a lot more going on here. So you need a way to release that anger and frustration and guilt one way is through exercise or going somewhere outside but private and screaming and shouting. Take someone with you if can and cry on their shoulder. A hug from someone who loves you can be so healing even if its just for a moment. You could also try boxing I know there were times where I would have loved to punch a bag and pretend it was my brother.
It is natural to feel guilty even though you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, why is it that the kind good people are the ones who feel the guilt.
You will be reunited with her one day, as whenever someone dies then someone always comes for them when you die your mother will come for you. I know this because I have witnessed it. However your mum does not want you to be where she is right now she wants to live your life when you are ready and she will be happy to watch you find happiness again because she will be able to feel that through you. In the meantime she is watching over you and you can talk to her whenever you want and she will hear you. You will also carry a part of her with you as you go on (genetic fact) as you go on one day you will do something and you will think thats my mum I just made the same expression or said the same thing she would have and you will give yourself a small inner smile cause you will know she isn’t completely gone. However in the meantime just to get you over this time go get yourself some help you need it and its ok to accept it. Your stronger than you know and really brave look at what you have come through as a child look how you struggled to find your mum again, look how you cared for her at such a young age. You are strong and brave and you need to remind your self of that. You are feeling lost not only because you lost your mum but because looking after her in some ways was how you defined yourself and your role. And now you need to redefine you. On top of that you are dealing with something very few of us even on this site will ever have to deal with or understand which is the murder of a loved one. You have had so much to deal with and its okay to breakdown if you know you have someone there to help pick you up. I hope you do its time for you to be cared for a little. Thinking of you.

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What good advice.

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