I’m not really sure how to use this platform.
I lost my mam suddenly in February this year.
She lived a hard life and always tried to do the best with the life she had been given, unfortunately we lost my brother around 2003 and she had a nervous breakdown and the rest of us were taken into foster care and they basically put an end to her seeing us.
It destroyed all of us, especially her. I finally got back into contact with her when I was 15 and her health wasn’t so good, we stuck together since then and I ended up becoming her full time carer and ended up living together. Honestly, even through the hardest times I wouldn’t have changed any of it. We dis everything together, shopped for clothes, went out to eat, cinema, tell her all of my secrets, talk until the sun came up, laughed and cried together, she held me and stroked my hair whenever I was hurting or just wanted to be close. She’s my best friend!
I almost lost her 2 years ago, she almost slipped into a coma. She had failing lungs due to COPD and many inflections but she was doing better. She came home, she was waiting to see her surgeon about being on the transplant list, we went back to being us two together. Unfortunately my brother came to stay with us because he had been released from prison (burglary because he was heavily addicted to heroin) and had nowhere else to go. He was her weakness, we’ve fought so much in the past for her constantly being manipulated by him, he caused her trouble, stole from her, treat her poorly and pretty much emotionally abused her.
I told her it wasn’t a good idea him coming to stay but she felt bad to turn him away. He seemed different, sober and a much nice person for two weeks and then I realised he’d started using again. Jewellery and devices were disappearing from my room, my mams jewellery too. I found him hiding syringes and told her immediately and he flew into a rage and triedbpunching me in the face. I told his probation worker and they were supposed to recall him but they didn’t. It became so bad in the house that I couldn’t stay. Things just went so bad so quick and I didn’t know what to do. He was controlling, took her phone and her money and still probation didn’t do anything. He wouldn’t allow her to talk on the phone to me and I was staying with my partner for two weeks (the longest we’d ever gone without seeing each other since being back in touch) I spoke to her a few days before for a few minutes on the phone. On the 4th February, my sister called my mam so she could tell her she was having a baby girl and me mam wished her a happy birthday, that night I got the call from my brother saying that she was dead and I just knew in my heart he’d done it.
When you just get the instinct.
I went straight home and she was lying on the living room floor, I knew it just wasn’t right.
I screamed at him that it was his fault.
I laid there with her for hours waiting for the undertakers. I held her hand the entire time, I kissed her face, I held her in my arms, I screamed and cried. I just wanted her to sit up and tell me she was ok, to give me a kiss and a hug. They treat it as suspicious circumstances and closed my home for investigation. They finally did my mams autopsy but came back inconclusive and so they did a toxicology and I’ve just found out that she was pumped full of different drugs. Enough morphine in her system to kill anyone, heroin and cocain. my mam wasn’t an addict, she could barely hold a half glass of water without spilling it for her skating hands. The investigation team took items they’d found in my brothers room and have his prints on her medication, the syringes. He’s completely wipes her bank account of her savings. Took her rings from her dead body, sold all of her jewellery.
It’s now going to trial.
I’m lost without her. My life has no meaning, no purpose. She deserved so much better, she shouldn’t have gone like that. She should have been surrounded by everyone that made sure she knew she was loved. She was stolen from me and I’m so angry and bitter and wracked with guilt and I just cannot cope without her here.
I don’t know if I need to talk to someone or if I just needed to get this off my chest as I’m only just now coming to terms with the fact she’s actually gone and she’s never coming back. I have no one in my life. If I knew for certain id be reunited with her I would have gone that very same night. I can’t take the pain of never seeing her again. It hurts so bad and I cannot breathe.