I'm feeling SO fed up trying to carry on

Hi Maigret, I truly understand, I am 6months into this terrible journey. I think every day how will I survive another day without my husband & soulmate, You are right there are no good days, I have been told by friends who been widows longer that we will get through it & learn to live this new life we never wanted. We have to believe them & carry on. It is very hard. It is the worst thing I have ever had to deal with so you are not alone.

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I agree, I get a good day followed by a grief ridden day. I cry so much I am awash. Nearly 12 weeks and nothing has improved. Sleep passes me by and the nights seem so long. Others say things will improve but will they. It is so hard to believe.

Hugs to all who are going through this. We must stick together and keep talking.

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I know how you are feeling my wife passed away 63 weeks ago on Monday, take it day by day you will learn to get through the days, you will have good days and bad days but you will get there. I know it’s really hard but you must try. It is really hard when things come round anniversaries, birthdays , ect but try to look at them as good days and remember all the good times you had together on these days, you don’t mention about kids, if you have them use them to keep up your mind in the good place and remember the good times you and your wife had with them. Again it’s hard but try to get through it, your wife would not want you feeling like this and I am sure she would want you to be happy not sad and lonely. As I said it was 63 weeks ago since my wife passed away after 46 years together, it is hard but try to get through it, please reply if you want as sometimes this helps as well, cheers Bob

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Hi, this is my first time of posting, but I felt compelled to because reading your comments it was if I had written it myself. It is 83 days since my husband died and it seems more like 83 years as every day is an endless agony of loneliness and despair. He died on 23rd June and it was a terrible shock as I thought we would be together forever, stupid really but I thought we would go together somehow as we were like one person. I was alone when he died and have been mostly alone ever since. I had to deal with all the necessary paper work and arranging the cremation, there was no funeral as we had both decided we didn’t want one, mainly because it had only ever been just us from the beginning and we thought it should be just us at the end, of course hoping it would be together!! I am thinking of you today as I know the agony you will be going through. It will be my husbands birthday on the 23rd of this month and I am absolutely terrified as I don’t know if I can get through it, we always went away to celebrate and this year it will be just me alone with his ashes. I cry all day every day and it is exhausting, some days I force myself to go out just to the shops, but then I just want to get home because I am afraid I will break down while I am out, so it is easier to just stay in and lock myself away from the world. I constantly think about dying and how long I will have to endure this agony and just pray for it all to be over soon. I have no one who understands my agony, so it helps to read that others are feeling the same as it is hard to imagine anyone else feeling the same despair. I hope we can both find a way through this horror, but at the moment like you I can’t see how.

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When I came on here just over 2 years ago I thought the same how will I get through to the next day agony people told me you will and I did now I see history repeating itself I know the agony it’s horrible the truth is it never goes away its not so intense you have good days and bad days I still do but it is something you live with I think for the rest of our lives hope this helps

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Dear Lynn2
I am so sorry for your loss, I too am hurting so much & understand all you say here.
Trust me - it’s 8 months since I Iost my big gentle bear of a man to covid - it doesn’t get easier, it just gets different. Most of us understand exactly what you are feeling & thinking because we have all been there, some still are.
As many have said on this forum, the depth of grief shows the depth of love you shared.
You will have small gains as you go forward then it’s like hitting a wall, that seems to be normal (if you can call anything in our lives normal). Please speak to your gp, I think the tablets are helping me & consider counselling when you think you are ready. You may feel so very alone, but this forum helped me vent many emotions plus anger, sadness, jealousy, abandonment - some feelings I never before associated with grief. Boy is it a learning curve.
Use this forum to be tearful, angry or whatever, you are not alone.
Thinking of you
Maigret

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Hello everyone. I feel your pain. I lost my darling husband 10 months ago. I’m meeting 2 of our best friends for lunch today & I’m dreading it . We have known each for 60 years , went fell walking in our younger days, holidays together etc etc. I have not seen them since Peter’s death due to lock down.
I wrote that this morning.
I am now back home in floods of tears. I cried all the way there & all the way back but managed to get through the meal with just a few tears. It was lovely to see them but I missed Peter so much
Hope now I have made myself go out in spite of dreading it , I can face it again. In fact I have booked myself a coach trip away for 3 nights next month. My daughter is horrified & said I should take one if my friends with me. I need to try & cope on my own. Life is so so difficult at present & I’m just hoping I will get used to this lonely life. I never imagined it would be like this. In fact never thought I would be a widow.
Love to you all.

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I know how you feel and although it is 3 yrs next week for me I have still been unable to think about holidays abroad.
Having said that I have faced some places and people here that connect me so much to my husband and it does get easier eVh time.
I think you ate so brave going awY on holiday alone and I do hope it helps you to accept this new and horrible life we all have to face. Even going for a walk is still hard work to me but we have to keep trying.
Good luck and I so hope it eases your pain
X

I.

Sorry for typos. Not got my specs on.

I am so sorry Kath x I also dread my darling husband’s birthday at the end of October and our Anniversary x but I am truly so sorry you spent your birthday on your own :cry::cry: Please take care x

Hi Kath

Happy birthday and I’m so sorry that your family felt they couldn’t visit today.

I can understand that cards and presents will never make up for not seeing them and it’s NOT self pity. You are being far too hard on yourself.

Take care of yourself, x Julie

Please don’t ever feel you need to hurt yourself I lost my husband 2 years ago to cancer he was my life my husband and my best friend we have 4 beautiful children I’ve been at that stage that I don’t want to be here anymore but my kids keep me going I’m 57 and feel I have nothing left in life people say 57 isn’t old but I feel really old because I never thought I would be a widow I think my husband is giving me strength go carry on but really I know what your going through I’m in the same boat chin up

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Hi all these messages on here make me realise so many of us feel the same way. How do we carry on? It is just too hard. I feel I will never come to terms with losing my husband. I too never thought I’d be a widow. Not so young anyway or for Vince to die even younger at 60. It’s still so very raw & painful. My love & thoughts go out to all who feel the same pain & heartbreak.

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Hi Diane

You have put into words what so many of us are feeling.
It’s 13 weeks now since Ian passed away and I still keeping saying to myself that it can’t be true and why did it have to happen!

Thank you,

Julie x

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Your post so touched me, I feel exactly the same, I also can’t cook his favourite meals or watch things we enjoyed together, I keep seeing adverts for programs or films or albums coming out that he would have loved and it just chips a bit more of me away. I’ve cooked so many new meals for the kids because it’s painful to cook and I can’t seem to cook the right amount there’s always his portion left over. I never thought it was possible to experience so much pain and still be alive xx

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Julie I am really struggling to keep going

Oh Diane, my heart goes out to you. I wish I could be there for you and give you a hug.

I have no words of wisdom that can take away the pain of losing Vince except to say we are all here for you.

Please reach out to as many people as you can as we all need support at this awful time. If you would like to message me privately, please do.

I never knew Vince but I’m sure he would like you to find a way through your grief. It may take time, and be so difficult with many peaks and troughs but please don’t give up. Ian would be saying the same to me and me to him if I had gone first. And I’m sure you would be saying the same to Vince.

Take care of yourself and take each day as it comes.

X Julie

Thank you Julie x

Hi Chris4, my wife passed away Nov '19. Suddenly with and undetected brain tumor, that haemorrhaged causing a massive stroke. But even though it will be soon 2 years since her passing I can not really offer you any quick fixes. Grief like any emotional relationship seems to special to the people involved. How much they were an integral part of your life seems to me to affect the intensity of it. I also think the initial reaction ( again no time limits) is very physical. Your whole body is reacting to trauma. From what I experienced, a bit like trying to control a car stuck in first gear and the accelerator to the floor, and your expected to navigate with careful clutch control. My body is finally not just pumping adrenaline and cortisol into my system all the time, but it is easily triggered.
Another analogy I use is it’s like and emotional amputation. ( No disrespect to anyone dealing with a physical one, I am only trying to make sense of my reactions) It is permanently missing what you had but you learn to live with it, even make jokes. But there will be times when you go to do something and you fall in a heap and feel the pain just as sharp. Other analogies are the pain stays the same size but life grows around it. In the last while, my son bought a house,my brother in law finally tied the knot, my daughter moved house and announced she is expecting a child. All things my wife would have been all over like a rash, but you just keep pushing forward. But these are nice things with people I love that I need to embrace, especially for them, even though it’s a poor imitation of what it should be.

I read a lot of “misery” books to try and make sense of this. Two that I found very helpful were coincidentally by artists, that you may be able to relate to more. They found drawing helpful for them. That information was a little wasted on me, but I appreciated the fact that I think we need to to do things that “fill” your head for a while. As it is just too much to mourn 100% of the time.
Joy by Gary Andrews
Discussed in the extremely good Griefcast podcast

Widowers Notebook by Jonathan Santlofer
Discussed in the following podcast

This journey is not what either of us wanted, or all the people related to this forum. I felt like I had been thrown off the train of life I was on, and am now standing on a station in the middle of bloody nowhere. Initially thinking that is the end.I am just starting to appreciate what I had was great, and it’s unlikely to be topped, but am trying to be more mindful of the good things and people around me.

Just keep turning up.

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Philfitz.
Such a beautiful thought provoking post. " 'Just keep turning up". I love it. Thank you.