I'm in hell & its not getting better

my story is so so similar to others except maybe It was cancer (not covid) but it indirectly took my husband he was 56 & we’d been married 35 years, we had 2 children & 6 Grandchildren.
I lost a wonderful son-in-law to cancer in Jan 2020 his wake was just before my husbands death, in April, then we had his covid funeral end of May after a nightmare of trying to make a few arrangements. In Aug I had 3 of my grand-children with me for a few days before the rest came down for a weeks holiday. Then the day before I had an accident. Really shook up my grandchildren. Especially when I had to be cut out of the car. I spent the whole week they were down in hospital.
Then when I was ready I brought another car - Sept 2020 my Mum had a stroke. A year after my husband passed I feel no different I have had all counselling but nothing seems to help - I feel so sad & I’ve cried a river but nothing will ever be the same - there must be something so wrong with me that I just can’t seem to get real & now my Mum has been diagnosed with Vascular dementia & I know things are just going to get worse for me. Sorry to rant but I’m slowly drowning - I have my family but they are so busy in their own lives I don’t want them to worry. I don’t think I can remember how to smile :sob::sob::sob:

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Hello
I can see that you are in turmoil and finding it all very difficult. My husband died suddenly at 58 years oldjust over two years ago followed five days later by my lovely dad.
The days can be hellish and the nights worse. However when the calm descends after the horrible crying I make real efforts to reach out to friends and arrange walks and phone calls. I am all set to start volunteering at my local hospice in order to find a new direction in this new life I didn’t ask for.
Yesterday I fixed a hole in the garage roof. I was upset doing it because Peter should be here with me helping ,doing things together, but once it was done I did feel like I’d accomplished something.
I hope you can find some glimpses of hope and reasons to go forward to whatever fate has in store for us.
I recommend you make some arrangements to meet up with people and distract your mind if only for an hour.
I know the depths of despair we are capable of plummeting too and I really don’t like it.
Distraction and kind people can lead to other things, uplifting times.
Our old lives won’t return so we have to start again from scratch as this new person we have become.
Take care x

I know how hard it is. My husband died suddenly and with no warning - we still don’t know why 7 weeks later. My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia a few weeks before that and my mother-in-law has declined rapidly since burying her son - she’s now in hospital. I am starting counselling and have found refugeingrief.com to be a good site, written by someone who lost her husband suddenly. Keep posting here as well - people are understanding and supportive.

Thank you for your message.
I just feel like I’m going round and round in circles. It always ends up with me saying "why did he have to leave me - especially now when I need him the most. I am so lost without him… I just want him back but I can’t have him so I only feel like I should be with him - then I feel enormous guilt that my kids think I don’t care about them. I feel really trapped & now I feel guilty because my Mum needs me & I’m just thinking about myself… my head just spinds…

Hello Silvana
My doctor told me in the beginning to make sure I put myself first, second and third.
Be kind to yourself and think just one hour at a time.
Everything will find its natural sense of order.
Xxx

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I know what you mean. I can only be happy with my wonderful husband but I have to be here for my children. I have always sacrificed things for my children but to stay in this miserable life is way more than anything else. I am missing him more and more each day. It doesn’t get any easier.

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Thank you so much for the advice :pray: you are so spot on. I wish you lots of luck