Hello Everyone!
I’ve just joined here as I have just recently lost my husband of 37 years to bowel cancer among other complications. I say 37 but we were together for 40 years in total. At this moment I just feel absolutely lost as to how to be where to be or what to do. We just held his funeral last Friday (14th July) He fought for almost 2 years with this in January last year (2022) he got the operation to get his tumour cut out and they got it all and he was clear but unfortunately it came back 5 months later and then he had to endure more chemotherapy which in the end damaged his kidneys and had to be withdrawn. This was followed by continuous bouts of sepsis and his body just finally gave in on the 23rd June. I just feel so empty just now and feel that I do not have the energy to do anything but sit on my backside. There’s loads I could be doing, but just feel I can’t be bothered. In the past I would have no hesitation to do things. I even find it hard to get out of bed in the morning I just wonder what is the point now I go to bed at night and sleep ok it’s just waking up the next morning and realising he’s not here now and it just feels like a constant knot in my stomach. I’m 60 years old and he was 69 so never made his 70th birthday. In the last 4 years since he retired he has had no type of retirement to enjoy and had just been plagued with health issues firstly he got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and then his cancer diagnosis. He worked for 50 years and had very seldom been in a GP Practice or hospital and since he retired it had more or less been an everyday occurrence. We had bought a static caravan in a beautiful setting where we could go and relax and somewhere for us to enjoy our retirement. The costs and upkeep of this however will now be too much for me to manage on my own so it will need to go and I will just have to keep memories of it now which is also very sad as he loved it there and I feel it would be too painful for me to just be there on my own. Just seems so unfair. I just need to know if everything I feel just now is normal. I know there is no right or wrong way to grieve as everyone is different. I had well-meaning people come up to me at his funeral saying to me I should try doing this or that and how they would keep in touch and phone now and again but sometimes these things never materialise as people just go back to their normal lives and things they need to see to. I still have my son and his partner and my little granddaughter. They live not too far from me and I have an older sister who lives within walking distance from me. She lives in sheltered accommodation as she had mental health and learning difficulties and relies on me for certain things. She is very slightly autistic so it is hard to say if she is feeling any empathy or anything. I have to actually get her to do things as she will just sit and wait to be asked other than ask if I need her to do anything for me. She comes and stays over with me a couple of nights if anything for company that’s about all she does provide. At the minute all I feel is I just need to take things a day at a time and hope things will get better.