I'm reaching the end. I just know it.

Im not doing so well these days. I cant tell the kids. I dont want to worry them. And there’s no one else. So I print and simply send it into cyber space.

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I still send email to my wife, knowing she will never read them but it helps me telling her what’s going on and how much I miss her, my heart goes out to you xx

Chas

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I write a diary telling my husband every thing I am doing it really helps x

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Dear James71, I can understand how you must feel, but then again only you know that. I liked your presentation (it says it all). This may not be related but I thought I’d share an experience I had long ago — When I was in the fifth grade (probably 1961 or so), I remember a very nice girl named Nancy - she was friendly to me and always said Hi. I would just smile as I was a shy boy back then, but I loved the attention. Well, one day, she didn’t come to school and the teacher (a nun) told us her mother died 2 nights ago). The family was very heartbroken - so we all wrote a letter to her and her family. Shortly after that we never saw her again. I remember her and later on I felt so sorry for her. Well the years have passed and I wished I could have gotten to know her. (That couldn’t have happened as in those days, you got teased a lot by your mates and family). That was that. I met a very nice woman in 2005 - and she was like Nancy - and this time I took the lead and started to date her — took about 3 years but we eventually got married. We hade 8 years of marriage together - did different things, joked around and laughed about our mistakes and mishaps. Well, in November 2019, she collapsed
at our home - the paramedics tried to revive her (I was nervous as hell), they took her to hospital where she died. I don’t know how I got this far - and I still mourn for her and miss her very much. A few months later I had about 3 dreams where I met her and the last dream I remember her to telling me something - at which point I asked her if I could say something - she stopped and looked at me - then I told her loved her. the dream ended there. Nothing planned, just that I wanted to say something that mattered to me. Thank you - I am sorry for your loss. I have no one to tell either - they don’t seem interested, so I’ll tell you as the subject seems befitting. Bless you!
Herb (aka greencat1950)

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Hi Chas

I do the same. Every day I send him an email telling my husband about our little grandson, what milestones he has achieved and how much he is growing to resemble his granda. Also bring him up to date with what I am trying to do to sort things and how I miss him. Usually ends in tears but something I feel I have to do to try and stay connected.

Take care.
Sheila

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Yes it does help, my wife still gets emails from companies she’s used and I can’t quite unsubscribe from them as it makes me happy seeing her name, and in some ways she still exists, not just in my heart.

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Dear Chas

We were ‘old-fashioned’ in the sense we did not share passwords so I cannot go onto any of his accounts (email, ebay etc) but I have been sending my husband emails since a few days after he died - it brings me some comfort, although he will never read them I just need him to know that I think of him daily - every hour of every day.

Take care.
Sheila

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Dear @Chas,
Your comment about your wife still receiving emails and being unable to unsubscribe from them made me smile a sad, wry smile, because I am in exactly the same situation with my wife’s email account. She receives quite a lot of emails from companies she’s subscribed to, so the total number of emails in her account just continues increasing daily. I keep thinking I really should unsubscribe from them for her, but it feels like I’ll be undoing bits of her life and intruding, and I just can`t face doing that. I do everything I can to make it feel like she’s still here with me, I still can’t accept she’s gone, even after 36 weeks.

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Dear @Sheila26,
Just a thought if you did want to try to access your husband`s online accounts. You might be able to request a password reset (i.e. forgotten password) for some of them. Though some sites make changing a password more involved, such as sending a text message to a mobile phone. It’s just a thought that might help, if needed.

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Yes that’s how I feel, it helps me cope with the situation, cope might be the wrong word, maybe just getting through the day. The other day I was clearing out a drawer and found a yellow form folded up, it was given to me by the paramedics and said “ Recognition of life extinct, I burst into tears as I read the details of my poor wife, no heartbeat , pupils dilated and fixed and how I’d found her on the floor cold to the touch, that day was my worst day of my life. I told a friend I still sent messages to my wife and he said I should move on and focus on the future, I felt so annoyed, he probably meant well but as you know It’s not that easy when you’ve lost your soulmate.

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James we all totally understand on here how you feel as we have all felt and probably still feel the same as you. We owe it to ourselves and our love ones to continue as best we can easier said than done I know. We need to live on in their memory.
Please don’t give up and don’t blame yourself for grieving there’s not time limit on it you take as long as you need but important thing is to stay positive and focused .
Another important thing is to keep talking to those around you and also on this site , I have found a huge amount of comfort in this site .
Don’t be hard on yourself and I’m sure your kids will understand as they themselves will be grieving , although I know what you mean about not telling them stuff , I didn’t tell mine two I was going through a time when I wanted to end it all ( I have got through that stage now ) and my daughter said to me only yesterday “ are you getting more used to being on your own now mum” yes I said but in my head Im Saying are you kidding . It’s just coming up 7 months for me being alone .
Take care and keep talking Karen x

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Dear Alston56

Thank you. Will give it a go at some point. Trying to sort out the ‘big things’ - need to get rid of his car as apparently best to sell whilst you still have six months MOT. Its still sitting at the garage for repairs and that has upset me because cannot help wondering if they are just messing me about.

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