i'm so angry

i lost my husband September 2013… i have two daughters by him who have kept me busy and away from the dark corners, but now out of nowhere i am so angry and anxious. i cant hold the tears back anymore and i cannot cope with everyday things, people, traffic, school runs and bedtimes. i’m not even completely sure its related to his loss, or because of who i am now because of his loss… does anyone understand?

Absolutely I lost my husband December 2013 he went to work and didn’t come home. I still have very dark days. He was 58 I am assuming as you mention school runs your husband was younger. It has taken me a long time to feel even half human and in your case you had children to look after so perhaps it is just starting to hit you. I have learned that you never really get over losing someone you loved you just learn to cope with it. I had a panic attack today thinking what am I going to do without him. It was our second marriage and we didn’t have children I have a brother who lives 300 + miles away and a niece who lives 100+ miles away friends have deserted me who think I should be feeling better now. Last Friday was a good day for me so I take it day by day week by week. It is very hard I hope you have family support. Keep coming back here we all support each other. Big hugs Marilyn

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Hello, I’m really sorry to read about how your loss is affecting you. I lost my Husband in 2016 and if anything I am becoming more fearful, angry, overwhelmed, etc. Maybe how we coped at the time, the support we received and our nature has a lot to do with it. You are absolutely right with your last sentence in wondering if it’s to do with the person we are now “because” of our loss. I don’t think people appreciate how much we are changed by the loss. If it doesn’t get better please don’t suffer in silence as things can get worse (trust me). Warmest regards and kind thoughts to you.

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Good Morning, thank you for your reply’s.
my husband was 47 he fell asleep on the sofa and never woke up, he had a brain aneurysm. he was older than myself, but not old enough to die. sorry i just thought background would help. we had a 18 month old at the time and i was 8 weeks pregnant, we had just found out.
i do not know if i was just to busy to feel anything then and this is an afterthought??
i really feel like i’m on edge all the time, like you say Tina19 more fearful etc. i’m constantly 3 steps ahead thinking about what ifs. i get so angry too, literally like a red mist. i am currently off work because i am scared i won’t cope. xx

thank you for sharing, i am thankful i have found this. i am lucky to have good friends and family, but they just don’t get it. Its not their fault but you know? when you go crazy over minor things, you just become the crazy one, who needs to just chill…

Hello lov3sam89, I am so sorry for what you are going through. As far as I am concerned there is no time limit on grieving, I will grieve for my husband until the day I die. When you lose your partner, the one person who has always been there for you and loved you, you lose yourself. Where there was once was a happy, smiling, confident woman, taking care of her family, after her husband dies she loses her confidence, doubts herself and finds that out of nowhere a tidal wave washes over her just when she thinks she is getting back on track.

Like I say, grief has no time limit, you live on a day to day basis, you are looking after your children, they may be at school or working but they are there and now getting on with their lives, you are still grieving for your husband. You are not a couple anymore, you are making all the decisions on your own and no-one can blame you if you have a meltdown every so often because life is so overwhelming and all you want is someone to take the load off you or say. that’s a good idea when you make a decision about something.

I have found that since my husband died over three years ago, I am no longer the outgoing woman I used to be, we were a team, did things together, enjoyed life to the full then bang, everything is down to me to sort out so not am I still grieving for him I am now doing everything on my own. I have grown up sons who work away a lot so I don’t bother them with things I sort it out on my own.

We all want someone to take care of us, and when you are a widowed mother you are taking care of your children but there is no one to take care of you. All I can say is that you are not alone, whether you are young or old, like me, we all need someone to talk to and that is why I come on this forum, it helps tremendously, knowing you are not on your own.

I wish you all the very best, please take care.

Love Sheila xxxx

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Hi Sheila, Thank you for your lovely reply, made me have a tear, but in a good way. It is almost a relief to know that someone gets it.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, it really does change you, i literally look at photos and wonder who the girl is, like it was someone else’s life.

i think the hardest part is the figuring out your next move, and being the person that makes all the decisions, my girls are only 6 and 4, everything i do impacts them, am i doing it right, should i do something different, if Steve were here what would he say?

i am just so tired, it literally mentally wears me down. so much so i think that everyday tasks just overwhelm me.

i want to go back. it’s like… Where the hell is the pause button???

In this together
Sam xx

Oh Sam, I am so terribly sorry for you all, what must be going through your little girl’s minds, how do you make them understand what has happened. I think your loss is so much worse than mine as we had all our lives together, he saw his sons married and have children, and if I was in your place I honestly do not know how I would carry on.

You may be better talking to someone who is in the same position as yourself with a very young family who have lost their husband or wife because I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through, it is bad enough losing your partner after many years married, but you were at the beginning of your lives together and my heart aches for you and your little ones.

You must be a very strong lady to even be getting through each day but I know you are doing it for your little girls. I really hope you get the support you need because I would not wish what you are going through on my worst enemy.

I am sure Priscilla, the administrator on this site would point you in the right direction where you can talk to people in the same position as yourself as people like myself, who are much, much older than you and have had long marriages, cannot even begin to understand what you are going through.

Please take care and if you ever want a chat, please private message me.

Please take care.

Love Sheila xxx

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Sam, I wish I could reach through this site and give you a hug and tell you you are doing an amazing job holding things together for your lovely girls. It all becomes too much at times for most of us on here but it us especially hard when you have to give so much of yourself to your young children. Your needs take a backseat but that must catch up with you in the end. Do you have any family support? If not, I know in some areas there are family support workers available who might be able to help you. It might be worth a chat with your GP to see what is help is out there.
Thinking of you
Ann x

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Hi Ann, thank you for your reply. i do have family around me who have been there through alot, my mum is my rock, we have the type of phone calls where we don’t talk, she is just there at the end of the phone, and my word what would i do without her, but she doesn’t “get it”
i have been to counselling, its not for me, i just wanted to reach out to people who (and i’m sorry if this sounds harsh) but people who i don’t even know the words, maybe impact me. i am not here for answers i’m here for a “i get it” hug even if it is virtual
i think i have just been scared that i am the only one who gets angry and aggressive with my emotions, and struggles to cope with myself. i’m not normal in my circle, but here i feel like reading peoples comments and situations makes me feel human, and maybe i can help someone else and before you know it, the domino effect begins xxxx

Dear Sam
What an amazing lady are you!! Grief is a journey that no one wants to embark on and it affects all of us in different ways…I am sure that your present feelings have surfaced because, until now, you have been so immersed in supporting your daughters that you have not had the time or space to let your own feelings take over. You are “normal” and anyone who has lost someone they love loses part of themselves too and completely gets the way you are feeling. However, it wouldn’t hurt to check yourself out with your GP and see if there are any bereavement groups available in your area where you could meet fellow travellers who DO understand face to face…a little “me” time might well be helpful now and as you begin to feel better (which you will do) you will find it rubs off on your daughters too.
You have probably come across Sar’s posting but I am sending you the link from it just in case…each shipwreck is different, but you will reach the shore one day. God Bless you and your daughters…and all of us tossing about on the waves. .;