Today’s just one of those days where the waves are crashing really hard.
The sad thing about it is that I ran out of safe spaces to share my grief. So I’ve turned to online forums.
I’m sure my husband is doing his best to be supportive, he’s got loads of experience from losing both parents, and maybe the inner voice is of self-doubt is telling me he’s not. Maybe I’m too much for him. Maybe I express my sorrow a little too often for his comfort (which is truly not very often at all) Maybe I’m looking to someone to hug me and let me cry uncontrollably. Then I tell myself why am I needing to cry uncontrollably this long after my dad died? Oh I know why. Because I’m getting the sense from others that I shouldn’t be in this much pain a year and a half later.
My self-doubt inner voice is telling me that I shouldn’t be in this much pain. That I should be handling it better even after two stints of therapy that lasted 4 months each. Have I learned nothing??
Is this what grief is? Something you feel every now and then on and off for the rest of your life? Am I normal for still struggling after a year and a half??
Why am I caring what others think? Why don’t I feel supported? Am I imagining this? Am I really supported but not to the extent that I’m expecting? Am I expecting too much?
I really miss my Dad today. A lot.