I'm still lost but getting betterish

I’ve messaged once before after my Dad had died and I still haven’t messaged since but it was genuinely comforting to get responses. Since he died i have found things both bettter and worse This feels like it could be quite long and i fully understand that people don’t like to read essays so I dont expect anything from this but I would like anyone to hear. I have had a long life with many things to deal with. I do not doubt that others have had worse but its not a competition and I don’t feel its ok to bore people too much but I’ve had alcoholic and lost parents (they did love they just had addiction and it was hard to say the least and more) their additction brokr all of us especially the children in more wsys than i could tell them or my sister because of the guilt we would feel gor making them feel bad for it. Im the oldest and after me and before thet had my sister, my brother was born. He has a heart condition and died at 6 months old. I was 4 and i was brought up with in religion. In my unknowing sense i never believed that he wouldnt come back. I have a lot more to say on this but again this is going to be long. My sister was the 1st baby my Mum got to hold out of the 3 of us because of whatever. She wasn’t an alcoholic until later but my Dad was. I loved and hated my Dad over the years and from my lady post i am still finding death just as hard for the same reasons if not so raw but equally i have a new partner and we are now engaged but i will never have him to walk me down the aisle or be there and now my Mum is not going so well. We’re really close but i find I’m almist pulling away to try not to get hurt but i also know it ridiculous. Im just terrified to lose her. I know this post is disjointed and crazy but i just want to say something somewhere. Im trying not to have another of my decades of self harming days and i want ti say more but feel ive already said too much and im rsmbling like a mad person. All my thoughts all over the place and all of my grief a little older and decades older but like it was yesterday. I dont expdvt anyone to have read this brain splurge but i just appreciate having somewhere to put it. Anyone that gets through this or god (not that i believe in a god anymore but anyone that does i understand it)forbid understands any of it. Every day is an new day so dont give up but it is so very hard. I dont have many friends but i kniw sometimes I can feel alone. Im saying this just as much to myself as to anyone else who might read this nonsense.

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Sorry i realise this was very poorly messaged. I work in customer facing and some shifts are 17 hours a day and through all of that i smile and hear their problems and do this 48-60 hours a week and that iz my job. I’m an adults with an older daughter. I can’t let go a lot. I don’t want to hurt my family. I don’t want them to worry and i dont want to bd a drain on others. I’m trying ti be strong. I was brought up to be strong but it takes its toll. Im nog done and i know thst dome days are better than others but i find it harc to let go of the strength i feel im supposed to gave

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Hello @Lickey1980 ,

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of you dad but also the other tragedies you have had to endure. It sounds as though things are very difficult for you and you are feeling so many difficult emotions.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Take care - keep reaching out,

Alex

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Hi Lickey
Just read your post and wanted to say hi. Don’t apologise for anything This site is for us all as we try to get through each day.
Don’t worry about the past live for today and put yourself first You should be proud of yourself for coming through what you have.
There are so many things in life that we must now face without our loved ones and we need strength from somewhere to carry on They would want us to .
Keep posting on here because there are so many people who understand what you are going through.Thinkinhg of you
Deborah x

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