I'm still stuck in...

Having my first morning cry as i am wandering around my home, and talking to Richard, to myself, to God, saying " i am still stuck inside this home " where my Richard died, still have the armchair that Richard died in, i just cant get away from the memories of the morning-mid day when the medics and police were here all fighting on the floor to get my Richard back, too late he was already gone and boy, how they tried, ( i will never run our NHS down again, ) they never gave up until one by one saw one get up, take out, take away their equipment, then i knew they had done everything they could and with no luck to bring him back to me…the memories of that day are still here with me…


Oh Jackie mornings can be so horrible the torture of broken sleep. Then waking up again to realising they are gone. Even though my partner was terminally ill and l was with him 24 hours l still managed to miss the main event. He was driffting in and out and l went into the kitchen to put some soup on and when l came back he’d gone. I am so sad about it. After lying/ sitting with him for two days he’d gone without me. Though it was just like him and the thought can make me smile as it was just like him to do his own thing right to the last. I am numb at the moment not in floods of tears but just numb. :hugs:

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Hi. Gardenlass.
I too find mornings not good. It’s the realization that it’s a bit like ‘groundhog day’. But even he woke up one morning to find life still went on. I think numb is a good word. I felt that way initially until real grief set in. But after more than a year the pain does ease. I will never forget. Never! But life is precious. We may be left here for a reason. In helping others we help ourselves. That is not being selfish but a fact.
Your experience was awful as was Jackie’s. I can’t imagine being in that painful situation. Take care. John.

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…my Richard was also a private person and i think he would have not wanted me to have seen what was happening to him, when he was fighting for his last breath…In hindsight i think our men had it there way…which maybe a blessing in disguise…

…oh yes, you have touched on the perfect word…" groundhog day…" as for the reason why Richard has been taken yet i am still here, well i have no clue nor will ever understand why a good man was taken rather than me…nor of what my purpose is whilst i am still here…but i did take good care of Richard after he had gone, re, the way i dealt with and chose his cremation service i think he would have approved and been proud of me…


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Yes Jackie l feel this too. D was very private and the thought of him having it his way brings me comfort. Such contradictory feelings the comfort of you recognising how l feel is balm to the soul but that we had to be in this situation for this conversation to take place is devastating. D was so private he wanted no one to speak at his cremation and would not have wanted anything afterwards. But l had people traveling ling distances. Though a very quiet man he was poplar and would have been astonished at who came. I picked a small cafe bar by a river and woods that he would have liked. Though l don’t know you or knew Richard l feel he would have been proud of you as you had the measure of your man and knew him inside out so can’t have failed to have done him proud.

Maybe your partner wanted to be alone when he passed away, my Stan waited until I was out of the bungalow before he passed. I had only gone across the road to ask a friend and neighbour, who is medically trained, to come and take a look at him, when I returned he had died and was on the bedroom floor. I was only out a couple of minutes, it happened to my aunt who was a very private, lady, she waited until she was alone before she passed away.

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Hello Maryl and so sorry about your Stan. Tank you . My Nan did the same thing but the nurse managed to find me down justb in time Sometimes l can take comfort in that fact he could chose because he had so little control in that last still year. Other times l think I that after 27 years of not really being apart l missed it. But then l was so lucky to have those years such a roller coaster of emotions in the same few minutes.

Thank you John. I think it’s the rollercoaster of emotions that l find hard. This morning l have cried and been through apathy and now feel a little better. I have fleeting moments of blue through the grey and do believe that time will make things better, Like you l have no Intentions of ever forgetting it’s just the road we have to travel is exhausting. All our situations and bereavements are devastating, do take care

Your situation was so similar to mine. My Brian was also a very private man, even I didn’t know everything as I found old paperwork in the loft which I had never been in before.
I sat with him day after day and the early morning he died I had gone upstairs to have a shower as I hadn’t washed properly for days having had washes at the kitchen sink. I was gone minutes and now wonder if he passed then but I thought he was still alive. I began washing him which I did every two hours and as I moved his head to a more comfortable position he didn’t cry out. I thought he sighed and that is when I took it that he had gone. But was it earlier as I was out the room, I now wonder. I know he would be trying to spare me.
I too will never forget my brave and lovely man but I am determined to walk that road until I find the light once again. It does appear from time to time.
Pat xxx

Jackie I have no doubt that your Richard would be more than proud of you both then and now. What you had to watch as they tried to bring Richard back to you must have been terrible. I watched Brian suffer for months and that was terrible also, we are left in shock and disbelief but somehow we are holding up.
Love Pat xxx

Oh pat so similar my heart goes out to you l hadn’t eaten for two days and thought l must eat l will be no good to no one. As l came back in there he was gone. We need to hang on to the glimpses of blue. Much love

Oh yes the sudden and quick drop in our weight literally overnight…I too remember when a neighbour appeared at my front door during those first few days,… I went to the door still carrying my plate of food, one tiny new potato and one small piece of broccoli…she looked at the plate but didn’t say anything…I lost such a lot of weight in a short matter of time, my weight now still remains the same, 3 plus stones lighter…

I have lost weight too, Jackie.

I have also lost 3 stone in weight. Xxx

Dear all who missed their loved one’s last moments. I, too, for the last 21 months have felt so sad that I was not with my beloved Alan at his last moment. I felt I had let him down. I had visited him every day, through the wintry weather of early 2018. When he was very sick my daughter and I spent 24 hours by his side thinking those hours would be his last. Following our long 24 hour spell we decided to go home for a break that evening. We had only been home five hours when the nursing home called me to say my husband was failing. I then had to phone my daughter, who lives 15 minutes drive away, and as it was 3.00am it was a little while before we could get dressed and start out together in her car. We had just reached within about ten minutes drive to the nursing home when the phone in the car rang. My daughter stopped the car and it was a nurse to tell us that he had just passed away. My daughter and I were absolutely devastated that we had not managed to be with him at his last moments. We didn’t even speak to each other, we were so shocked. My daughter just started up the car up again and we continued to the nursing home. We were told two nurses had been with him, and that they were telling Alan that we would be with him soon. We were ten minutes too late. We were shown into his room, and we both broke down, hugged his still warm body but no response! We then had the terrible job of letting my son know that his father had died. We sat beside my husband’s body for the next few hours, my son eventually joining us after his 70 mile journey. To this day I am still trying to come to terms with the sad fact that I had not been with my beloved at his end. All the loving thoughts that I had had of what I would have been saying to him to no avail. However, when I think about it, he was a very private man, and probably wanted to spare us the stress of seeing him go. Although I regretted that I went home with my daughter only a few hours before, and blamed myself for missing his last moments, I realise that my husband were so loving and close, he probably would have wanted to prevent us from further distress. But I can understand how sad one feels at not being at their loved one’s end, in our case after 59 beautiful years of marriage. One just has to comfort oneself with the happy memories of when we were together. I am fortunate to have a loving son and daughter, and their children. Deidre.


Good morning Deidre. l try to comfort myself with the the thought he could make his own decision on something. He knew he was loved and that would never change. It’s hard to get your head round. Best wishes

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Thank you Gardenlass for your kind thoughts. Alan knew he was loved, told me in days when he was well, and like you, I also comfort myself with that thought. Kind wishes to you. Deidre

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