Imprint on the carpet

Losing a partner
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Hello everyone, quick sit rep from me.

On Wednesday, it was time to drive a long way for the first time in my “new” car, to take the remaining family things to my brother-in-law.

One of the things to go was an old fashioned dental drill (Tom’s dad was a dentist). Tom kept the drill after his dad died and it has been in its spot, at the top of the stairs ( I know, weird but that was just where it was) for the past 7 years.

Where it stood, it witnessed Tom collapsing, the paramedics swarming around, Tom being carried past, down the stairs. Tom, that long day, lying on the floor next to it as we waited for the ambulance. Tom, inching down the stairs on his bottom that last day he was here, before being taken into the ambulance. So that dental drill, it had been my curious companion, a witness to the pain, drama, sadness of all that time.

I headed up the stairs to lift it down and into the car. Jeepers! It weighed a ton…I inched it down, stair by stair, and wrangled it into the car. I drove that long distance for me (2.5 hours) and it was carried by his brother into the garage there.

I drove home yesterday and came up the stairs with my bag. The spot where the drill stood, empty, no trace, save an imprint on the carpet. Another gap in my present, but also, space in a good way. Space for me to grow into my new life. Today is a work day, more interviews for the book. On we go, together, one step, one dental drill wrangled, at a time. Loads of love, your friend, Vancouver x

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Dear Vancouver, thank you for your moving story. I wish I had your strength. I am just crying today again and I cannot find any motivation to do anything. I hope I will find my energy to hoover a bit and maybe go in the garden to weed. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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@Annaessex - that you have got to today is a sign of your strength. Your grief is the depth of your love for your beloved and it will take time. Go with the tears. For me, they were, and are, part of the healing that grief ultimately brings. If you can achieve one thing today, no matter how small, that is a win, my friend. We celebrate the wins on here as we all know how hard they are to get. Keep posting, keep talking with us and thank you for being there for me x

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Dear Vancouver, Thank you for your very kind reply. I am glad that I found this forum and that I could help you with my comments. I am much calmer now - although still in tears. I still have his beaker with his toothbrush and his dentures in the bathroom. And I always have his pillows on our bed freshly washed and ready to use. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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Hi there !
Every time you post something you let us into your life and you should be proud you have that in your locker. We just have to plod on don’t we ? It’s been over two years for me and I’m writing this sitting on the bed next to where the paramedics placed John trying to revive him. I look at that space often and the days after his death I tried to remove his blood from the carpet - he had too many lines in him when they were removed it went everywhere. My boys told me to rip it up and replace it but this was the last place he laid in the home he loved so much so it stays. The blood of course has now gone but the memory of that night will never leave me.

I’m not crying just reflecting which is something I do often. He ashes are under a bird table in the garden so I’m happy to have him close by. Thank you once again for letting us join you on your journey.

Much love
Georgina :heart::heart:

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@Georgie15 - my dear friend, I am so sorry you and John went through that - what a horrifying time that must have been. I know the shock of paramedics swarming around the house, with their big boots and shared glances - knowing between them the chips are down. Been there, sat on the carpet, unknowing that the world as we knew it was about to be upended, ended. I am glad John’s ashes are with you in that very special place, in nature, near the birds that visit the garden. Let’s take heart that we have both got this far, let’s be proud that are still standing and let’s do something nice for ourselves this sunny Saturday. This comes with love, my friend, x

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:heart:straight back to you. I’m off to a 30th birthday party this evening - our niece. So with my hair in rollers I’m now going to take the dog for a walk. Imagine I’ll get some strange looks but hey ! That’s the least of my worries.
All the best my lovely - :muscle: we’ve got this !!

Georgina

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@Vancouver and @Georgie15 Thank you as always for your posts, which bring such hope and strength to us a little behind on the journey. Your posts echo my own experience in January when my husband suddenly went into septic shock following a chest infection for which he was being treated with antibiotics. From calling the paramedics the drama played out in front of me as they struggled to get an intravenous line in as his veins were shutting down. His blood from their efforts still remain on my duvet which I can’t yet bring myself to wash. They transferred him to the stretcher and wrapped him in our bedsheet he was still clutching his pillow which went with him to the hospital where he was put on life support. The pillow and sheet remained with him into intensive care until they eventually switched the machines off some 8 hours later. The insignificant sheet and pillow from home somehow brought me comfort that it supported him until the end. His vacant pillow now remains a poignant and significant gap on his side of our bed. It’s amazing how we survive these traumatic experiences of devastating lose , but survive we do, you both are a testament to the fact that life goes on, not as we want it too, but we go on together, a step at a time. Thank you for showing us the way. xxx

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Dear sandi, I could not wash the duvet and pillows for quite a while but one day I managed to clean the bed and washed everything. I still put his pillows on our bed although they will never be used again. I also have his toothbrush, beaker, and dentures in our bathroom and kept his used towels hanging on the towel rail for a while but I managed to wash them now. I was crying to take off the towels and put them in the washing machine. I still have his cardigan and scarves unwashed around me because his scent is still there. I also found weeks after he was taken away from our bedroom used needles and syringes which rolled under our bed and were not picked up by the ambulance people. Sending lots of love and hugs.

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@Annaessex I am so sorry you experienced similar circumstances in losing your husband. Something we will never forget. I can relate to all you have said, I still have his clothes in the wardrobe and toothbrush in the bathroom alongside mine, I also recently found one of those heart stickers under the bed, which the paramedics attached to measure his heart rate. Everything has been washed and cleared apart from his blood on the duvet which somehow I think is the only physical part of him remaining. Oh the madness of grief.
We do find the things that bring us comfort, which may seem quite irrational to our previous rational selves. Sadly his scent on his clothes is no longer there, but just seeing them hanging in the wardrobe is easier for me than seeing empty rails. Maybe in time I will be able to remove them, but right now I am not ready. It is one step at a time, I do have better days, and I hope the same for you. With love xx

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@sandi - I am so sorry - what a horrendous experience and how terrifying. We all look out for each other here and I wanted to thank you for looking out for me. One step at a time is my speed, for sure. Loads of love, V x

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