In a quandary about selling my home.

After Peter died five years ago, I always said that I would never, ever leave my home where we spent all our married life. I have a lovely home, but it is very large with large gardens. I modernised it the year after Peter died and bought new furniture and furnishings, had a new bathroom put in with walk in shower and had the garden landscaped so there are only hedges to cut, I have a massive back garden I had turfed with artificial grass and it is fantastic.
The other day a neighbour I had known for nearly 40 years sold his home and moved. Now our next door neighbour and the neighbour opposite are talking about selling their homes because young families are moving in with two and three children per family. Everyone in our little cul de sac has had nearly thirty years of a child free environment and I think now my neighbours are getting older, they don’t have the patience to want to hear children playing out and making a noise, to be honest, it doesn’t bother me, I love to hear the sound of children playing, but I expect they will be in their own homes playing on their tablets.
If everyone moved away I would be devastated so when our sons came today I asked their advice about moving to a village where there is a bus station and train station to different towns and cities so I would not be isolated. I wanted to do it and choose somewhere myself before I started being ill and having the choice taken away from me and someone else deciding on my future.
It breaks my heart to move away from the only home I have ever known since we married and I am crying now just thinking about it. Perhaps I am overthinking it and I may never get ill, just one day go to bed and fall asleep like my mum did when she was 85. I don’t know whether to wait until something happens and let our sons sort it all out or move now when really I think it is too soon but be able to choose my own new
home.
Getting old and being alone stinks to be honest. Even if I moved I would still be alone so perhaps staying where I am is better than going somewhere I don’t know. The thought of packing up my home and belongings fills me with dread, I love my home, it is my sanctuary, when I walk through the front door I breathe a sigh of relief and say to Peters ashes, I am home love.
If Peter had been here, fit and well, we could have discussed it together.
Does anyone else feel the same way or is it just me.
Love to all.
Sheila.x

hi Lonely.
I had no option ,I had to vacate the home I shared for over 20 years.if id a choice id of stayed put.you have to weigh up what you need.are the shops with in easy reach are your sons and friends close by.if you could sell up and move closer to amenities.like you said a local bus and train station so you could travel places easily.to also be nearer to family.sorry im not really much help.just hope what ever you decide it all works out for you.
regards ian

Dear Sheila, I think you need to make two lists - for and against. Ultimately it will be down to your heart. What would your Peter say to do? Xx

Dear Kate and Jianye,
In my heart I don’t want to move anywhere, I adore my home and where I live but the problem is there is nothing for me to do, no community activities. The Friendship group I attend is really for people who live at the other side of the city and don’t do much at all. They are more for charity collecting and food banks where we take food and bric a brac once a month to raise money for the charity of their choice.
I want to be a part of something every day, like they have in villages, even our church only put on something once or twice a year like a summers day show, plant sale etc. I go to those but there is nothing to do for the other 40 odd weeks of the year apart from getting a bus and going to the next town where the shops are just the same. There are only so many shops you can look around on your own. I have no friends in my position at all, every single one of them still have their husbands and spend most of their time abroad or going on holidays. I have two neighbours, one which I go to the Friendship group and gardening club with and the other one only wants to get the 10 am bus, go to town for breakfast and come home again on the 12 o’clock bus. But they are in their mid 80’s now, nearly 10 years older than me.
I know for a fact that some of the small villages have lots and lots of activities on a daily basis with train and bus stations. Even if I had learned to drive I would not be allowed to because of the problems with my eyes. If I sell my home I would have to buy another one and in the villages I like the prices of bungalows are so expensive, that I would be selling my home and using the money on another one. I wanted to have some left over to furnish my new home as I want without breaking into my savings. I have a gorgeous home and garden and I know I could put it on the market today and it would be sold tomorrow as I keep having notes pushed through my letter box from members of the public, because of the land my home stands on, I have parking for 7 cars on two drives a garage that holds a car and a car-port that holds two cars, that is parking for a total of 10 cars, and someone could build another house at the side of mine, but like I say, I could be on an island somewhere all alone as I never see a soul and our sons work away every week.
I may never become ill, and I can get a cleaner and a gardener if I wanted to,m it is the loneliness that is the problem. One son came yesterday to see me for my birthday and I ended up ordering in Pizzas for them and staying in, I would have loved to have been taken out for a meal, just to get dressed up. They seem to think that by visiting me in my own home they have done their duty but after two hours they eat the meal I provide, have drinks and then coffee and cake and go, and I am left with the washing up.
I want a life of my own, my old life has gone and won’t be coming back so I need to have a life for my future years and not have to rely on our sons visiting me. I have not seen our daughter in law or baby grandson since Christmas, she does not work, has a brand new 4 x 4, lives 20 minutes away and never comes to visit me. I am always buying clothes for our grandson and toys but I never see him in them or see him playing with his toys, and if I ask to visit she is always going out with her friends even though I would be prepared to get two buses and a taxi to get there, that is why I need friends of my own and not have to live the rest of my life waiting for our sons to visit.
Love
Sheila.x

Good morning Sheila. Having read your response I rather feel you’ve answered your own question. Your house sounds wonderful with plenty of room but perhaps the very bones of it is crying out for a family to be running around it. It’s always going to be difficult for any of us to leave the home we built and shared with our loved ones but in the end it must be what is best for us. Wherever you go Sheila, Peter will be right by your side and having read so much about your man I feel sure he would want your life to be as easy as it can be without him. His love will guide you. This could be quite an exciting time for you. If I lived near you I would love to go house hunting with you. :blush:

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Dear Kate,
Your are so right, I have four grandchildren all under 15 years of age and I never see them, they used to stay with us during the week before they started school, stayed with us in the school holidays and always stayed at the weekends with us even when Peter was so ill but after our son’s divorces, their ex wives moved away with new partners and now I never see our grandchildren.
Kate If you lived nearer me I would not be moving, I think many of us on the forums would love to have the people we speak to every single day about our up’s and down’s living near us, our very own club where we could go on holidays, days out etc. this is the problem when you are getting older, your family have their own lives and we become just a passing thought. The only thing that keeps me going is those 50 wonderful years I had with Peter so now I must accept what is and get on with it.
Love
Sheila.x

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Once again Sheila, you’ve made me smile. If you lived near me, I would drive you wherever you wanted to go :red_car: :blush:.
You sound more positive in your last post. I love positive thinking. Best wishes Sheila with whatever you choose to do. Much love :kissing_heart:

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Hi Sheila, such a difficult decision to make! I agree with Kate, Peter will absolutely be by your side wherever you go and whatever decision you make, of that I am sure.

That said, you have so, so many beautiful memories in your home but, those memories are also in your heart and soul and your heart and soul would also go with you if you chose to move.

If you asked Peter the question; should I stay in our home and feel lonely and isolated for fear of leaving our memories behind or, should I get another home and feel I belong again and have the opportunity to feel less lonely and isolated, what do you think his answer would be?

I didn’t know Peter, obviously, but I think even I know his response…!

You’re right, none of us know our destiny, you may well not get sick in the future, you may well sleep one night and never wake up again. We just don’t know do we but, your peace of mind is priceless and maybe moving home and area would provide you with that as well as a feeling of independence, relying on no one for visits as and when they feel the need!

A big decision Sheila, for you and any one of us in a similar situation.

What about taking a look at a couple of properties for sale in the area you are thinking about. I believe doing that would give you your answer. I believe only then would you know in your heart what is the best for you.

Your emotions are all over the place at the moment probably due to your neighbours moving away after so long. That’s bound to have an adverse effect on you, particularly given your own situation and your life without your Peter.

I don’t know whether I have been of any help to you but I’m absolutely sure you will be guided from your man at some point in the near future. I would certainly start with looking in person at any properties you think may be good for you in the area you’re considering. I believe at that point you will be closer to getting your answer.

Peter will undoubtably find a way of making his thoughts known to you (I’m excited to hear how he manages to do that, in a way which will leave you in no doubt, one way or the other) :heart:

Love to you, Sheila and don’t worry about making this decision, you have made many good choices since your Peter died. Why would that change now. It won’t…x

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That’s perfect CW.
Sheila, great words - you can’t fail xx

Thank you all. Our son wants me to move into the area I want to live in for 6 months, that would mean renting a property for £1000 per month and go around the different places, see what clubs and facilities are available in the area. £1000 per month is a lot of money to spend and I just don’t know what to do about it. They want me to rent and not re-buy. I don’t have a mortgage and have a decent income and a few savings as I gave many, many, many thousands of pounds to our sons when they got divorced to get them out of debt so I don’t have savings to now throw away, if I still had all that money I gave the then I could pick and choose which bungalow I wanted without even blinking but now I can’t, I will have to look for something within my budget. I never thought in a million hears that nearly all Peter’s golden handshake would have gone on clearing our son’s debts after he died and I know for a fact he would have been so upset about it because they got themselves in debt by always buying the top of the range cars, everything had to be the best, nothing cheap and then when their wives took it all, they were left with child maintenance and having to rent a property whilst their wives stayed in the family home until the children were older. Now the wives have new partners, both our sons have massive homes and flash cars again, wearing Rolex watches and me, I am left with poultry savings. There is no way they can pay me back. Now all I hear is the holidays they are going on, buying this and buying that and asking me how much my home is worth. I have been like their own personal bank.

Is there no hotels in the area. I’d be more inclined to stay in one of those for a couple of weeks. That wouldn’t cost £1,000 a month would it. Never mind £6k for six months. It won’t take anything like six months to know if you want to live in that area. More like six days. Ignore your son. Book yourself a hotel break…

Listen to your boys advice and then ignore it. Like they do when you give them yours :+1::joy: xxx

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Thank you CW13, I also thought it was a daft idea spending £12,000 plus to see if I liked the area. They have a massive house with spare en-suite bedrooms, I hoped they would invite me to stay there for a month as they live in a village, not too far from where I want to be but no, they would rather I throw away £12,000, which I can’t really afford to do thanks to their flaming debts having to be paid off.
I have been thinking very much this morning about my future life and the sun is shining, the garden is lovely, my home is lovely and I honestly think I am staying put, I can always get a gardener, diy man, cleaner if and when I ever need them and it won’t cost me all that much.
I really think I am overthinking things, I may live to be 100 years of age and have good health. I can get a taxi wherever I want to go and it will be a lot less than £1000 per month renting. Our sons don’t want me to buy they want me to rent, put my savings from the sale of my home into an investment to make more money., I said renting is £1000 plus per month plus food, insurance, TV broadband, gas, electricity etc.
The mind boggles, I think I will stay here until I am carried out feet first. I am really happy here and can do what I want when I want, I just wish I had company more often, not every day, that is not me I like my own space, but just want someone to go out with a couple of times a week. If our sons would stop visiting me in my own home and have me making meals etc. then go and think they have done their duty instead of taking me out once in a while then I would be okay. They have taken most of my savings and built a new fantastic life for themselves, thanks to mine and Peter’s savings, and left me in a position that I have to think about the price of renting or buying a new property, Peter didn’t work all his life to ensure we had a good amount of savings for me to be penny pinching, and that is what I would be doing if I moved, either to rent, or buy.
I think I have made the decision for myself, I am staying put.
Love
Sheila.x

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See Sheila, you continue to make good choices. I must admit I breath a sigh of relief. Simply because you speak so very fondly always of your home, it’s gardens, it’s beautiful memories etc., so I’m pleased that you choose to stay put for a bit longer.

These days I have to pay everyone for the jobs my very clever husband always did. DIY. Plumbers. Electricians. Gardeners, Joiners. And the list goes on…and on!

Our home is too big for me on my own too really. Although the land around it sounds a lot less than yours. I don’t want to move from here either. For many of the same reasons as you. Mostly my memories and the connections I feel to my hubby. It’s my favourite place to be :heart: although I really do believe he does come with me wherever I go :smiley:

We can think too much into the future can’t we. Concern ourselves with things that may never happen. You’re healthy enough at the moment and God willing that will continue. You’re very happy where you are and YES, you can always get the relevant workmen to cover any work required and YES, you can get taxis, even if the time comes when you can’t get the buses. All those things would be less of an outgoing than renting a property and/or buying and selling. That in itself costs thousands these days.

You do right Sheila. If you was absolutely sure moving was the right thing for you then you wouldn’t be concerning yourself with the opinions of others, nor would you be questioning yourself. You would make the decision and roll with it as you have done with other decisions you’ve made in the past. That in itself tells me you’re doing right for yourself by staying right where you are. Certainly for the present time. And, the present time is all that matters just now… xxx

Dear CW13,
You make some really good points, since Peter died five years ago I have made all the decisions myself and never asked our sons what they thought, my home, my money, my decisions. I think I was unsettled with our long term neighbour leaving but that is all. Like yourself I will get a gardener. cleaner, diy man in just like I have done before when I modernised my home after Peter died.
I absolutely adore my home, every room is spotless and looks lovely. I still cannot get it through my head why our sons would want me to spend £12,000 a year renting, and why would I buy another property which I could hate and have terrible neighbours. I have just been speaking to my next door neighbour, I only have one as I am the end detached house surrounded by 8/10 ft high flowering hedges and I asked her if she was ever thinking of moving home, She said, ‘not a chance in hell’ where would we get a house like ours where we hardly see a soul day in and day out, and where you can only hear birds singing. I asked her about her new neighbours and she said the parents work full time at a university, their three children go to childcare and their grandparents have them in the summer so we won’t see much of them at all. She also said that when was the last time we saw children ‘playing out’ they all stay in their homes now on their tablets. That has put my mind at rest. I have threatened her with violence if she ever moves, she just laughed and said no way, we are here until the end.
Love
Sheila.x

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I’m so pleased you’ve made a decision Sheila and the right one no doubt. That CW is a very wise lady :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:. I also think your Peter was guiding you too (can’t give CW all the credit :joy:). Both of you have made some very good points. I’m not in that place yet, where I want/need to move. Our home is my refuge, it’s where I feel safe with David all around. But I never say never.
With regards children, you may find you like having them around. My mum lived very close to a primary school and she loved to hear the children in the playground. She always said it was a happy sound :blush:. xxx

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Dear Kate,
Thank you, but it is not me that doesn’t want children in our street, it is my next door neighbour, I love to hear children playing, not heard it for so many years now that they are always inside their homes playing on the computer and also, parents are very scared of letting them play out with all these abductions and those White vans are a darned nuisance, always driving slowly round the streets. You cannot even put a bag out for charity now, because these pieces of trash know exactly what day the collection is and come and steal the bags before they get here. I now ring the charity up when I have a lot of bags and I keep them in the garage until the men knock on the door and I then hand them over.
To be honest Kate, I am also not in that position yet whereas I need help in my home and garden. I can still wield a 10 ft telescopic cordless hedge trimmer like a pro but I was really doing too much overthinking things. Goodness knows what tomorrow brings for me, the OAP or the 45 year old next door, we all know tragedy can strike at any age, my dad, sister, father in law and mother in law died aged 55, 47, 35 and 47, so I am going to stop worrying about something that could happen in 20 years time and just live for today. If anything did happen sooner, our sons will have to get off their backside and sort things out, I have given them enough money in the past which will more than pay for what they will have to do for me and they will also have my home.
So, let’s rock n roll and get on with living the best lives we can without our loved one, we will be with them again one day so that will have to do until then.

Love
Sheila.xx

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This has been a great conversation between you ladies with so many handy hints on moving or not moving
It’s funny how unsettling it is when a lovely neighbor moves when my hubby died 7 month ago the same week I found out the lovely young couple next door was moving it was such a blow, they moved in October and new ones moved in I was so worried as our driveways are next to each other’s down the side of our houses and the neighbours before the young couple were a nightmare kids playing ball against my house and such like , I could cope then as had my husband here but not now,but the new ones are very quiet so far, so think I’ll be ok for now Take care all

Wise? That’s questionable Kate. But, I’ll take it
:joy::joy::joy:

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Rock n roll indeed Sheila. So happy you are content again with your thoughts. I find over thinking is a waste of energy, In fact, I’m not sure I think much at all these days, never mind overly so :joy: I live with the ‘ignorance is bliss’ philosophy most of the time :+1:

Love to you xx

Dear Linda,
I think we are all the same, we lose the one person that could make everything alright, the one person who would sort the problem without any trouble at all but now it is down to ourselves and many of us on this forum are not equipped to do that because our lovely husbands/wives/partners etc. did it for us. It is surprising just how many couples who are happily married rely on each other until one of them is no longer here and then the doubts set it with all the what if’s that come with it.
I have been having a clear out of my bedroom cupboards today, I felt as though I needed to start sorting things out for my benefit. The cupboards are where everything goes I don’t need at the moment, then I forget about them, out of sight out of mind, I found two brand new steam irons, three Sony Walkman CD players, three cassette players, three brand new hairdryers, 20 boxes of confetti, two unused, brand new electric blankets, still in their wrapping paper, hundred’s of Christmas cards , two big fur coat collars, four pairs of leather gloves, rolls and rolls of birthday and Christmas wrapping paper, goodness knows how many large gift bags for all occasions, two old blue passports belonging to me and Peter and all my mum’s paperwork from when she died 22 years ago. I am ashamed of myself but it was so interesting bringing it all out to see what treasures there may be lurking there. I have bought six of those large checked zip up laundry bags and I have put all the stuff in there, at least it will be easy to take out when I need to clean the cupboard, but for the look of things, inside my wardrobe cupboards haven’t seen light of day for a heck of a long time, unless I was opening them to throw something in.
Next stop, the kitchen cupboards and the Welsh Dresser, now they will really take some sorting out. I am doing it all before spring sets in so I can then spend time in the garden. I am organising a roofer to come and give me a quote for the garage roof, organising a gardener to start in March trimming the Lilac tree before it starts to flower., I think all this talk about moving has made me realise that it is easier to stay where I am, clean out my rubbish and stay put.

Love
Sheila.x

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