In Agony

Losing a sibling
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This is an attempt to give expression and coherent form to the nightmarish events and accompanying agony of this last week (you will have received some of it already but in jumbled fragments ):

Last Monday my only and younger brother was cleaning his Infinity pool at his cliff side house in Cape Town and slipped. He fell 6 metres and hit his head. I received a call later that day in which a friend delivered the terrible news with words which still haunt me: “I’m very sorry but Omar has passed away” - so inadequate and anodyne they seemed but also possessing a dreadful finality.

The agony is almost constant and visceral. I find myself sobbing uncontrollably and at times whimpering like a wounded animal. I’m in so much pain, that words can at best only hint at it … This has broken me. every moment feels like an eternity; the simplest tasks feel like a mountain to climb. I was already on my knees - this has floored me.

He was only 50, 3 years younger than me. For years like myself he struggled with alcoholism and other addictions (and the underlying emotional trauma) - and like me, he could not conquer his demons. But in some ways he was the stronger, more positive and life affirming one. He was as much a father (my biological father utterly inadequate - had long abandoned us) as a brother - always pulling me out of my frequent bouts of melancholia.

Initially - and still at times now - I felt like I’m in the depths of Hell , with no end in sight. Except perhaps Death itself when it comes for me. I imagine my brother falling to his death like a tape in an endless loop. I can’t forgive myself for not being there to catch him. I never realise how much I loved him.

What has sustained me is the unyielding and tireless love of partner of 20 years Susan.

But then I learnt from his girlfriend Imogen that he saw it as one of his life’s
‘missions’ to help me recover. It was then that it began to dawn on me that the only good that can come from this terrible loss is for me to honour his memory (and my partner’s love) is to turn this terrible tragedy as a catalyst to clean up my act and begin to heal… A sort of spiritual alchemy. (This is an excerpt about how Eric Clapton responded to the death of his beautiful 4 year old boy: When the tragedy occurred, Clapton was reportedly just three years sober after battling drug and alcohol abuse for over a decade. And while his son’s death could have easily made Clapton resort to his old vices to numb his grief, Norman said he was determined to stay sober.
“He was trying to beat the alcoholism when his son was just a baby,” said Norman. “He was fighting against it. But it was really the death of Conor that made him determined that he would never drink again.”)

I know my only hope to find some peace is to challenge my habitual almost nihilistic skepticism and cynicism (long used to justify my various self destructive addictive behaviours) is to find that spiritual connection, and start trusting his spirit lives on. But then the realisation that even if his soul has survived physical death,I will never again be able to see him and hold him again in this lifetime floods me and I find myself drowning in grief.

I just woke up from an awful nightmare - it was like a Hieronymus Bosch painting come to life. There was a labyrinthine structure crowded with humanoid demonic entities all feeding on different kinds of repulsive looking food. The worst part of it was that I was one of them and joining in the macabre feast. Was I tuning in where my brother was? The lower Astral plane? I hope my brother isn’t stuck there. Or if he is, he will serve his time and then move on to a better place.

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Hi. kam.
Welcome to this wonderful website. There are so many here that will help if possible.
You have hit on something so valuable it’s difficult for me to describe. Turning such awful pain into some kind of redemptive force is not only helpful but full of meaning.
I’m not going to commiserate with you because I know you are not the kind of person who would want that. An event has happened in your life which is painful beyond words. But we are dealing with emotions which have no words adequate enough to describe them. You may think it has broken you, we all feel that way in the beginning. Spiritual alchemy is a good phrase. Yes, it can be. The turning of lead (pain) into the gold of acceptance is possible. The old word ‘Alchemy’ has become a metaphor for change. They never succeeded but we can, emotionally.
The nightmare you had was, to you, a nasty dream. I have made a study of dreams and their importance as messages from the unconscious, as did Freud and Jung. I see it as you being able to ‘swallow’ the bad things that are happening. The ‘food’ you are eating and joining in is no more than grief manifesting itself in that way. Very few of us can ‘swallow’ what has happened. It may be a good sign that you can. Your unconscious is telling you that and, as in all dreams, we can’t afford to ignore the message. I do not think for one moment your brother is on another plane. Don’t read more into the dream than there is. As time passes the dreams may become less awful and less frightening.
Both you and your brother have been through a lot of pain which you may have shared. Now he’s gone you feel lost and probably lonely. Well we are here if you want to unload at any time.
Take care and look after yourself. John.

A labyrinth has many corridors and passages and is like a maze. We rush around looking for ways out. The dream is full of demonic entities. Entities that represent fear and agony. But ‘demons’ however strong and powerful can be tamed and put to good use. That is their opposite side.

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Thank you for empathy and understanding, jonathan123.

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Hello Kam67- I am so sorry for your loss and the devastating events surrounding it. I lost my beloved younger Sister to a “treatable cancer” a bit over a year on. I was her Sister & best friend, but also a Mother figure (referred to by others as “the little Mother.”) Growing up in a tumultuous household, I became her protector. Throughout life’s trials, we lifted each other. I identify with so much of what you describe. I consider myself a spiritual person, nevertheless, I relate to the horror of never being able to see or hold my beloved Sister again. “Wounded Animal” describes this so aptly. I am also broken, left with a huge hole in my soul.
I agree that it behooves us to try to find some way to honour their memory. I strive to walk in my Sister’s light. She was always positive, loving, and forgiving. She embraced life with a fervor, so even in my depth of despair I struggle to do the same. She was/is my inspiration, much like your brother is to you.
You are fortunate to have a supportive partner. My grief journey has been, for the most part, solitary.
Friends, support groups, clergy, help to a degree, but once we are robbed of that one special person, no one can say or do much to ease this torment.
Your dream sounds intense, and intricate. Most of my dreams have been comforting, but recently I had one that was quite disturbing. Like Jonathan says, however, best not to read more into these dreams than there is. Grief puts our brains on overload , and often our thoughts/dreams are fragmented and unintelligible.
I prefer to believe my Sister is in another dimension, one where there is only peace. I feel her all around me in spirit, but of course I want/need more. I need her here with me, to talk to, laugh with, share with. How do we reconcile that this will never be?
Take care and post again. This site has been my “go-to” in my darkest hours.
Xxx Sister2

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I’m sorry for your loss. The shock of grief is surreal at times and very raw.

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Thank you for your empathy and understanding

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Thank you sister 2 . I’m trying hard to find a willingness to believe there is a spiritual dimension or dimensions and that my brother’s soul is continuing its journey. I find myself praying several times a day, asking that he be guided and protected and that I receive some sign that (either in the form of a dream or sudden inner sense of faith) although his physical form is gone, his spirit lives on.

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Yes, Daffy123 - it does feel like an endless waking nightmare - everything feels alien and somehow malevolent. Ordinary tasks like meaningless ordeals.

The loss of my brother has not only changed my perception of the world but also brutally mutilated my identity, even my perception of the past.

A world without my brother is a world I don’t want to be in. The only thing stopping me from following him is my love for my partner.

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Hello, kam, I feel so sorry that your brother had such a nasty accident, My brother passed away 4 years ago. I am devastated by his loss, little did I know that there was worse to come. He was my best friend #2 we used to talk regularly on the phone twice a week at least. I do understand the heart rending grief, which you are experiencing.
Blessings
MaryL

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Thank you for reaching out, MaryL and identifying with the great pain of loss that I am going through.

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Kam, what you are experiencing is difficult to read, your pain is so very raw. It is 2.45am and once again I am lying awake thinking of my beloved sister, my childhood companion, my soul mate, my rock. Six months ago a beautiful bright light went out of my life and nothing will ever shine that bright again. My heart goes out to you. XX

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Thank you so much for your empathy, agmo1986, It brings some comfort to know that I’m not alone in experiencing such profound loss and grief. Not that I’d wish this on anyone! xx

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