Hi everyone, my name is Karen and I am 57. I lost my partner and soulmate 2 months ago and am in terrible pain and despair. I am really glad to have found this online bereavement community as I have been reading some of the postings and found them helpful. It is reassuring to know other people are out there in the same boat as me as bereavement is a very lonely, isolating thing to have to endue. Someone once said to me that being bereaved is like being in a club that you don’t want to be in. How true that is. I also liken it to being in a black, dark pit of snakes that you want to get out of but you can’t. Wherever you go or whatever you do, you cannot get away from the awful place of pain, hurt, despondency, acute sadness and hopelessness that you have lost the person you love. It is final and they are not coming back. In the past 17 years I have had 4 bereavements - my dad, my nan, my mum and now my lovely partner. I have suffered terribly with each one and each has been different but this one feels the worse as I have lost my hope for the future. Dave and I had just retired and planned to spend quality time together and now that has been taken from us. So, I have no work to go to and no purpose to get up for in the morning. I also have no close family as they have all died and I have no children or siblings, a fact which has always upset me but Dave made up for that as we were soulmates, so close and he gave me love, companionship, stability and support. He was all I needed. I have a caring friend who is giving me support, mostly phone, and an 89 year old great aunt but all I want is my Dave. I am going through all the emotions - in the first weeks, disbelief, then anger, bitterness, feelings of being overwhelmed, terror, despair, sadness, hopelessness etc etc but the worst is the loneliness and the loss. The days are are so long. I try to keep busy but some days all I want to do is watch television. I also can’t be with couples so I must admit I have distanced myself from some of my friends that are in couples as I just cannot cope with being with them and their happy lives when I feel so unhappy and have lost my partner. I know we must all be kind to ourselves, take each day as it comes and believe that ‘time’ will allow us to manage our loss more but oh it is so hard. Life is so cruel. My best wishes of support and love go out to you all.
Hi Karen, I’m so sorry to hear the loss of your patent. It is the worst thing anyone can ever feel. I know the feeling being in despair, loss and feeling in complete suffocating darkness. Because he was your soul partner it gave you a love that you cannot ever let go of. Think of how he would want you to be in this situation, he would want you to love and be happy with the wonderful years you have shared together. I do understand it is extremely hard to think that way as I myself finding hard to accept it. I feel in this type of pain it is one of the only ways to get out of this pain by imagining what they would say to you what they would want you to feel. He wouldn’t want you to be upset. Take it moment by moment rather than day by day as day by day at this point I’d say is way too hard. I would say try to keep busy maybe going for walks. I lost my nan two days ago and I cannot cope so I’ve been trying to stay out of the house as like you said the day is way too long. Time does cure but it is different and difficult becaue of the kind of love you experienced with your loved one. You aren’t alone and I am here to talk anytime. It is extremely painful more painful than physical pain so I really understand what you are going through. It is hard when you have no one around to talk to and to even have a tiny bit of an understanding of what you’re going through as people are for themselves but be assured your pain will be at ease in time. Try to think of the good times you had and hold onto it very tightly. You could even create a shrine where you have a picture of him with candles and talk to him each time you are down. I do know the pain is unbearable and feels it will not stop so please do talk on here as this is what this forum is for to help one another. You are very strong for making it this far on your own. Keep going you can do it and your partner will be so proud of you.
Hi Mimi and thank you very much for replying to me so promptly. Firstly, I would like to say how sorry I am to hear of the loss of your nan. Nan’s are very special and I went to pieces when I lost mine 9 and a half years ago as I loved her dearly. I still miss her and know I always will but I just feel blessed that she was my nan and I had her for so many years throughout my life. Your loss is more recent than mine so I admire you for talking and supporting me when you are in shock and so very much in pain and distress yourself. The first few days after I lost Dave I didn’t even get out of bed, let alone go on my computer so well done you. Your nan would be proud of you. Your words of support and understanding were a great comfort to me and did make me feel better so thank you so much for that. Your suggestion of making me think of Dave and how he would want me to be strong and how proud he would be of me opened up something in me. Dave always said I was strong in all that I have had to cope with in my life before he came into it and yes, you are right, he would want me to be strong now he has left me and remember our happy times together and try to be happy when I have grieved. I do talk to his photos a lot and have fresh flowers by the one in the living room all the time. A candle is a nice idea too though. Yes, I will try walking. I go through phases. Sometimes, I cannot bear to be in the house and have to keep going out. Then at other times I cannot bear to go out and just want to stay in. I try to do what feels right at the time. We have to be kind to ourselves, right? Sometimes I have pushed myself to do things but then it has made the pain worse and my friend said I should ease up and be more gentle with myself. You are right, Mimi, this bereavement pain IS worse than physical pain as with physical pain we could take a pain killer tablet. With bereavement pain we cannot take anything to dull the pain and it is always there. I must admit last night night I had a couple of glasses of wine and it made me feel a bit better and made me drowsy and I got a better nights sleep than I have been getting. I know alcohol is not encouraged when you are bereaved in case it gets addictive but we have to get through this terrible time the best way we can. I am so pleased we have made a connection, Mimi. I am always here for you so we can support and help each other. I think this forum is a great idea as it does help to talk and share feelings and emotions with people who are going through the same thing and can understand how we feel. Until people suffer a close bereavement, they cannot know how painful and distressing and debilitating it is. I did want to go to a support group but don’t think there is anything in my area. I did have a Cruse counselor when I lost mum but I am not sure if it helped or not. Anyway, know I am here for you when you need and take care. I am thinking of you and thanks again for your kind and encouraging words.
Hi Karen, thank you for you’re kind words. I am so pleased to hear you feel even just a tiny bit better. It is very painful to think that they are no longer here. Try to always think of what he would say if he were by you. It would pain him to see you in pain. What you siad is absolutely right by taking your time and doing things when it feels right. I believe that in these situations you can’t rush the grieving process. Many people go years and years in pain from losing someone. I’m glad to know you do have flowers by his photos as it shows that you have found a small coping mechanism. Whenever you feel like you can’t leave the house imagine him being by your side encouraging you to go out. Always think he’s with you. I always believe out loved ones are closer to us than we think. Especially when you truly love your beloved. Also have you got a locket? You could have his and your picture inside and whenever you feel down hold onto it and know that he isn’t far away. I am looking to get a locket to hold my nans ashes to keep closer. I feel these small things aren’t going to completely make us happier but they may be a bit of a help to reassure us that they aren’t far away. It is a very painful stage and very difficult to push through. Time is something that we help to deal with it better but it won’t make us get over the situation or forget. You’ve been this strong coming this far and that’s by yourself and in a way it is good you’ve done it alone as it means you won’t need to rely on someone being there for you if they can’t. Because nobody feels knows the feeling of loosing a loved one they can’t even begin to understand so they don’t always say the right things which in my opinion makes the feeling worse. So well done to you for making it this far. Also have you thought about maybe planting a tree for him? I think that could be something that would nice as it’s something that you can give life to watering the plant, growing the plant etc. Doing small things will be a coping mechanism if you feel like you cannot leave the house. I do understand where you have times that you do not want to leave so allow yourself to take your time and not to force yourself to do things you do not feel like as you are right it will just make things worse as you aren’t feeling to do certain things in that moment. Even though you had a drink it is something once in a while so has long as it’s not all the time it’s fine because sometimes we have to do what we believe help in that moment just to be able to sleep as that is the worst part of the day. This is a helpful site and I’m glad we have been talking to help eachother. You can always mess me whenever you need to. Just like you said I am also here and thinking of you in this terrible time. Also another good thing is writing down your feelings. You aren’t alone it’s always good to let your feelings out so I think this is a very helpful site
Hi Mimi, thank you for your last conversation and all your advice and kindness and support. I did read your own posting and my heart goes out to you. You have been so kind and supportive to me yet you are really struggling to cope yourself. Wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. I hope you get on well at the doctors when you get an appointment and get the anti depressants you wish for and they help although I have heard they can take about 6 weeks to kick in. I do know exactly how you feel about not wanting your life without your nan. I feel the same way and don’t want to live without Dave and don’t want a future without him. I kind of envy him not being in the pain that I am as he is at peace and in a better place. How wonderful it must be to be in peace and out of this constant pain and hurt. We once said we couldn’t bear the thought of being without each other and wanted to go together. I want to go now but am scared of taking my own life. I am frightened to live and frightened to take my own life in case I botch it and I am an invalid. I tell myself that if I still feel the same on 30th December (his birthday), I might think about it again. Maybe you could give yourself a time span too. Chances are we might both think that taking our life is not an option and not what our loved ones would want for us. I don’t think you would go to hell as I have been reading books on spiritualism and life after death and people who take their own life are not punished but helped as they are reunited with their loved ones.Plus, you sound a kind, caring person and are NOT a bad person who deserves to go to hell. I actually found reading spiritualist books very helpful. In the first couple of weeks I read books on how to cope with bereavement, then I went on to spiritualist books, now I am reading a book by Paul Burrell about Princess Diana but I do find it hard to concentrate. Today I did some gardening but it was SO painful as Dave and I did gardening together so I missed him so bad. Then I went to ASDA supermarket but again that was painful. Now I am back indoors on my settee typing this to you and feel glad to be back indoors even though that is painful too. You have some nice ideas, Mimi. The locket is a nice one and planting the tree. I hope you find a nice locket for your nan’s ashes. I will look for one too. I guess you will have the funeral soon? Your family seem rather insensitive to wonder why you are not coping. As you were so close to your nan OF COURSE you will be grieving badly. Everyone copes with bereavement differently so they shouldn’t make you feel there is something wrong because you cannot cope and are grieving badly and in so much pain. Perhaps they are grieving more than they are letting on or trying to push it down? Some people think it is a sign of weakness to be in pieces when you lose someone but I don’t, far from it. Grieving is very normal. The higher we love, the greater the feeling of loss when they are gone. We loved our loved ones so that is why we are now struggling to come to terms with it. I also agree that people say the wrong thing and as we are so fragile at the moment, we get agitated and easily upset. I am only in contact and talk with 4 people who do understand because they have been bereaved so know what it is like and can empathise. Some people I KNOW won’t understand and will say the wrong thing and then I could lose my temper as I am on a short fuse as I am so angry, bitter and resentful. So, I am steering clear of them and have told them to leave me alone as I can’t cope with ‘people’ at the moment. I know I have hurt people but then I am hurting and have to do what is right for me. Your bereavement is still very new and raw, Mimi, so go easy on yourself. Get plenty of rest (even if you don’t sleep) and try to eat a little something. I didn’t eat for the first couple of days but then I felt dizzy so had things like toast and soup or biscuits. I have just read a posting on this site of a young girl who has lost her mum at age 12! How terrible is that? I lost my mum at 49 and that was bad enough but to lose you mum at 12 is just the cruelest thing. I have made a ‘memory box’ of some things that meant a lot to Dave and I - letters, valentines, birthday and Christmas cards, CD’s, DVD’s, his mug, emails we sent to each other which I have printed out, programmes and tickets from some London shows we enjoyed together, his hairbrush, etc and I keep adding to it. Maybe you could start one too for your nan. I am thinking of you, Mimi and always here for you. Take care and hang in there.
Hi Mimi, thank you for your last conversation and all your advice and kindness and support. I did read your own posting and my heart goes out to you. You have been so kind and supportive to me yet you are really struggling to cope yourself. Wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. I hope you get on well at the doctors when you get an appointment and get the anti depressants you wish for and they help although I have heard they can take about 6 weeks to kick in. I do know exactly how you feel about not wanting your life without your nan. I feel the same way and don’t want to live without Dave and don’t want a future without him. I kind of envy him not being in the pain that I am as he is at peace and in a better place. How wonderful it must be to be in peace and out of this constant pain and hurt. We once said we couldn’t bear the thought of being without each other and wanted to go together. I want to go now but am scared of taking my own life. I am frightened to live and frightened to take my own life in case I botch it and I am an invalid. I tell myself that if I still feel the same on 30th December (his birthday), I might think about it again. Maybe you could give yourself a time span too. Chances are we might both think that taking our life is not an option and not what our loved ones would want for us. I don’t think you would go to hell as I have been reading books on spiritualism and life after death and people who take their own life are not punished but helped as they are reunited with their loved ones.Plus, you sound a kind, caring person and are NOT a bad person who deserves to go to hell. I actually found reading spiritualist books very helpful. In the first couple of weeks I read books on how to cope with bereavement, then I went on to spiritualist books, now I am reading a book by Paul Burrell about Princess Diana but I do find it hard to concentrate. Today I did some gardening but it was SO painful as Dave and I did gardening together so I missed him so bad. Then I went to ASDA supermarket but again that was painful. Now I am back indoors on my settee typing this to you and feel glad to be back indoors even though that is painful too. You have some nice ideas, Mimi. The locket is a nice one and planting the tree. I hope you find a nice locket for your nan’s ashes. I will look for one too. I guess you will have the funeral soon? Your family seem rather insensitive to wonder why you are not coping. As you were so close to your nan OF COURSE you will be grieving badly. Everyone copes with bereavement differently so they shouldn’t make you feel there is something wrong because you cannot cope and are grieving badly and in so much pain. Perhaps they are grieving more than they are letting on or trying to push it down? Some people think it is a sign of weakness to be in pieces when you lose someone but I don’t, far from it. Grieving is very normal. The higher we love, the greater the feeling of loss when they are gone. We loved our loved ones so that is why we are now struggling to come to terms with it. I also agree that people say the wrong thing and as we are so fragile at the moment, we get agitated and easily upset. I am only in contact and talk with 4 people who do understand because they have been bereaved so know what it is like and can empathise. Some people I KNOW won’t understand and will say the wrong thing and then I could lose my temper as I am on a short fuse as I am so angry, bitter and resentful. So, I am steering clear of them and have told them to leave me alone as I can’t cope with ‘people’ at the moment. I know I have hurt people but then I am hurting and have to do what is right for me. Your bereavement is still very new and raw, Mimi, so go easy on yourself. Get plenty of rest (even if you don’t sleep) and try to eat a little something. I didn’t eat for the first couple of days but then I felt dizzy so had things like toast and soup or biscuits. I have just read a posting on this site of a young girl who has lost her mum at age 12! How terrible is that? I lost my mum at 49 and that was bad enough but to lose you mum at 12 is just the cruelest thing. I have made a ‘memory box’ of some things that meant a lot to Dave and I - letters, valentines, birthday and Christmas cards, CD’s, DVD’s, his mug, emails we sent to each other which I have printed out, programmes and tickets from some London shows we enjoyed together, his hairbrush, etc and I keep adding to it. Maybe you could start one too for your nan. I am thinking of you, Mimi and always here for you. Take care and hang in there.
Hi Karen
So sorry for the loss of your husband.
It certainly is a club we are all in but never signed up for.
I also agree, that losing your partner is different. So different.
I lost my mum and stepson in the last 5 years.
My husband was my soulmate, he helped me through the pain and grief of losing 2 of the most precious people in my life, he was my rock!!
My husband passed away suddenly in May, he hadn’t been poorly, it was such a massive shock, he had just turned 58.
I can honestly say that I feel like I’ve died inside, I’m a shadow of myself.
We were a team we worked together, socialised together, we practically did everything together.
I woke up one morning and he was gone.
I have tried so hard to do things or try and keep myself busy. But it all seems so pointless without Steve.
When you lose your partner, you’ve lost your future.
So sad
Take care xx
Hi Karen
I too lost my partner and soulmate just over 2 months ago 30th june and so much of what you said rings so true. The pain unimaginable and sense of loss and sadness. My partner julie had terminal cancer so her death was not a surprise but when it happened the shock and realidation i was on my own overwhelmed me.
I feel empty inside and cant imagine what my life is going to be like now. People keep telling me i have to get used to this new normal but i dont want it and just cry at the thought of it now on my own.
Time has made the rawness subside a little and gradually i am starting to sleep and eat again. I have attended a group which helps and being on here helps as i dont feel so alone.
Take care and yes we have to be kind to ourselves
Carol x
Hi Geri my husband was 58 when he went to work and didn’t come home. The shock is like nothing else three days after he died I lost my voice for about a week. It is still very early days for you but after three and a half years the shock has subsided but the pain is still there for me. Like you I feel I have lost my future my soul mate my friend and my rock and I plod on through life. It doesn’t help with the dark nights coming either. Take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself and come back to me if you want to chat - Marilyn
Hi Geri and thanks for your heartfelt and supportive message. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your husband in May. You said your husband was your ‘rock’ and Dave and I always said to each other “you are my rock and I am yours”. It was something we told each other constantly. Dave helped me through the loss of my mum as Steve did you and as I have no other close family, Dave was my support, my companion, my best friend and was my life. Now he has gone I feel my life and my future has gone. I am so lonely and it all feels so hopeless. I feel frightened and am in so much pain and hurt. We are both lucky (you and I) that we found our ‘soulmates’ and Dave and I always said we were so lucky to have found each other and be in a loving and close relationship. Some people never find their ‘soulmates’. But, because we had such happiness and contentment, it is now much harder for you and me to continue on. As you so rightly said, it all seems so pointless now and when you’ve lost your soulmate you’ve lost your future. I also feel that I have died inside. It must have been a shock for you that Steve died so suddenly. Dave had sepsis and although it wasn’t sudden, at the end he deteriorated quickly, was in intensive care a week and then had organ failure. Dave had so many things wrong with him which began in January and I am not sure how much of it was related to the sepsis and when the sepsis actually took over. It seemed to be one thing after another. Dave was 63. Steve and Dave were so young compared to some people who live into their 80s and 90s. I feel very angry and bitter and resentful about that but know those emotions are normal when in bereavement and grieving. I am just about getting through the days and try to keep busy but I find this site so good and it is helpful to share things with others that are going through the same as me. It is also something to do and occupies me for a while. I sure don’t want to be in this horrid club which, as you say, we never signed up for but find ourselves in. Anyway, nice talking to you and take care. XX
Hi Carol and thanks for your heartfelt and supportive message. I am so sorry you lost your partner and soulmate on 30th June. It must have been so awful to know Julie had terminal cancer and to have to watch her deteriorate. At least she is at peace now and out of her suffering. Yes, the word ‘overwhelming’ is a good one because I feel overwhelmed that my life has now changed and the rug has been pulled out from under me and I am alone with a future I just don’t want without my soulmate and the love of my life. I am in so much pain and hurt and I feel as if I have died inside. I would like to attend a group but don’t think there is one in my area. However, I am glad I have found this site because it helps to share things with others in the same boat who understand and it passes some of the day too. I find the days so long. I try to keep busy but everything reminds me of Dave and I can’t escape my thoughts and I have no motivation. Like you, I feel so empty inside and can’t face a future without Dave at my side. I am glad that the rawness for you is now subsiding a little. I know that time does heal and we will learn to manage the pain as I did when I lost my dad and my mum. However, it is no easy ride and it is a ride I do not want to take. Take care. Karen XX
Hi karen
Yes overwhelmed is how i feel right now by everything in my life. I work but have been off since she died but i know i need to return at some point i am lucky to have supportive boss who has been out to see me and coming again next week.
I have a son at home who is 21 and just finished uni his graduation was the day before the funeral and although i went i cant remember anything from the day. I couldnt even fetch him home my brother had to go and get him and he returned home to me in state where i cried continually.
I am lucky to have 2 stepchildren (her children) who i love dearly and so many friends and i have found on this site this is not always the case so i must be grateful for that.
I just feel empty inside like the life has been sucked out of me and just want my life back as it was. This is not a life anymore it is just an existence and can see no future for me.
Sorry for going on but helps to say this on here my family see me getting a bit better which i guess i am but they have no idea the loneliness i feel it is sometimes like a physical pain that stabs me over and over again.
Big hugs to you and every one on here.
Carol x
Hi Karen I lost my partner Geoff three months ago on 13 June we had been holidaying in marmaris and two days before we were due to return he had a massive heart attack and died. Although he’d had a stent twenty years ago he was in the best shape ever and like you we’d had plans to relocate and start a new life in the country and also go on our bucket list trip of a lifetime. I have no work either as we were going to get work when we relocated so I totally understand how you feel about long days etc and your feelings of loss. My son’s girlfriend bought us a book called the courage to grieve by Judy tatelbaum which I’d highly recommend you read. Although it is early days and nothing can take away the pain I resonated with things in the book and it is helping me to look at my thought processes etc as my shock and grief is only just coming out. I do know exactly how you’re feeling as I have all of the same emotions. It is hard and I know everyone says it’s baby steps one day at a time but I realise that it really is.
Hi Torlert and many thanks for responding to my posting with a heartfelt supportive and warm message. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Dave passed away on 13 July so I am exactly a month behind you in the grieving process. It must have been such a shock to you for Geoff to have a massive heart attack, especially when he was in good shape. I think for it to happen when you were in another country was terrible for you and added to your stress and pain as it is bewildering and frightening enough when it happens in your own country. For Geoff though, it was a nice way to go (if it was, sadly, his time) having had a happy, wonderful holiday with the person he loved and it was quick so no suffering as some have. I wouldn’t want anyone I love to suffer and would prefer them to go quick. Dave had sepsis so he did have some suffering for a few weeks as I am not sure at what point the sepsis took hold rather than the infection. He had so many things wrong with him in the weeks before he actually died. He had 2 really awful days which broke my heart to see him suffering before he was taken into intensive care as he had gone into septic shock. The week before he was quite bad too. He looked like a 90 year old man rather than a 63 year old. It was all rather complicated and I have anger and bitterness that the NHS was negligent in not diagnosing the sepsis quick enough. Anyway, enough said about that. Thanks for recommending the book, but you know what, I have that book as bought it when I lost my mum 9 years ago. I have read it twice and found it comforting and helpful both practically and emotionally. I read it a few days after Dave had gone and then I re-read it again a couple of weeks ago. Being in bereavement is the most terrible place and I just do not want a future or a life without my soulmate. It is so cruel when these things happen to the likes of us who had plans for the future and now the rugs have been pulled out from under us and those plans, hopes and dreams have now been shattered and taken from us. I know in time we will have to make a new life and adjust but I don’t want a new life, I liked the one I had as I am sure you did.I feel I will never come to terms with this but yes, we have to take baby steps at the moment. That’s all we can do eh? Anyway, has been nice chatting to you and take care, and hang on in there. Best wishes from Karen