In total shock

I have recently losted my beloved husband and cannot believe what has just happened. He was only diagnosed 2months before he passed away so never had time to get used to the shock of the terrible news before he was taken from me.
I am finding everyday a struggle and cannot stand to be in our home, so I just get in the car and drive or into town and just wonder around the shops, but saying this I get this terrible flood of grief when I see couples and I feel so lonely and just want to escape. I am not sure if I will ever get over this and at times I feel so angry.

Hi Barn Owl im very sorry for your loss.Welcome to this special club ,where we all share our nightmares about losing our beloved.The anger towards happy couples i understand completely .Im 15 months into my nightmare it get easier but everybody is different.Take it day by day dont plan what you dont have to .The going out is good but your nightmare will follow you where ever you go.Taking time out is good for your brain ,because your nightmare will patiently wait for you to return to it.Keep coming back here this club is open 247 365 all the best Colin

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Thank you For your reply Colin, there are so many people in the same situation as us, but at present we think we are the only ones going through it.people tell me it will get easier, but the past week I seem to be slipping backwards.i only hope in time I will be think I g on the same lines as you all in this special club.

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Hello barn owl,sorry for your loss,I lost my husband suddenly he was only 52 we only had 4 weeks from being diagnosed with cancer to his death.I thought you might like to know about a site called way up, it is simular to this site you can still chat and discuss your feelings just like this one,the difference is they arrange meet ups and they have a group for mobile home owners which is why I thought it might be good for you in the future when you are ready.take care Debbie

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Hello Debbie, thank you for your reply regarding g the chat site, it is nice to know there are other sites also to chat with people in the same position as us. So sorry to hear about your sad loss of your husband, and it seems it happened so quick for both of us.
I will not be using the motorhome anymore, could not bare to go away without my husband, but also I have not driven it for the past few years, as I have had both knees replaced and find it uncomfortable driving it now so itisfoing to be sold. I wish you comfort in the next few months and hope it gets easier for you. Kind regards Liz

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I lost my husband five weeks ago and we had only four weeks from diagnosis to the end not time for either of us to process it or prepare in a practical way. He went downhill so quickly going from a strong decisive person to someone so vulnerable and although brave on the outside I know he was frightened and that is what haunts me every minute. The hospital process also did not keep up with the progression of his cancer and he received no palliative care. I am not sure how I will ever come to terms with these feelings. I know this club is one to which we all wish we were not members but I am finding much comfort in your comments and the empathy that only shared experience can bring Julieanne

I’m so sorry for your loss Barn Owl. I lost my husband of 40 years, 11 weeks ago. He was 67 and I am 59. He had a fall on March 1 and broke his leg - he spent two weeks in hospital and then developed a blood clot when he came home two weeks later. He was treated for this and continued to be generally unwell and our GP came out a couple of times but couldn’t find anything wrong physically. I had to call an ambulance a couple of days after our GP visited because it was a Sunday and my husband was visibly not right - very tired and slurring his speech.

He was taken to hospital as an emergency and diagnosed with pneumonia in both lungs, and pleurisy. He was described as ‘balancing on a knife edge’ by the consultant and 3 days later was placed on a ventilator and taken to ITU. He was there for 6 days and the infection was no better so they did a CT scan thinking there may be a clot in his lung as he had had one in his leg - they thought this may be interfering with the treatment. The CT scan showed a large tumour in his left lung, which had spread to his bones. It couldn’t be treated as he was so ill with the pneumonia and 2 days later the consultant suggested we take him off the ventilator and allow him to pass away peacefully - the alternative was to leave him on the ventilator until the cancer spread to the point where it was fatal, and that was unthinkable. He was a total of 12 days from the diagnosis of pneumonia, to the day he died. It was, and still is unbelievable, so I know exactly how you feel. I still haven’t got over the shock, as the diagnosis came from nowhere and he had none of the symptoms you would associate with cancer - no cough, no pain, no shortness of breath.

I think you have to be kind to yourself and allow the grief to flow - don’t bottle it up and don’t be embarrassed by it. You are in pain and you need to express it whenever you need to or you’ll make yourself ill. You don’t say how long ago you lost your husband but I can tell you that you will go through a rollercoaster of emotions - sadness, anger, disbelief and also complete numbness a lot of the time, which I think is the body’s way of allowing you to cope, and function to do the necessary everyday things. I was unable to settle in the house for the first few weeks, but I’ve gradually got used to it and I have pictures of him everywhere. There’s no magic cure for this my love, it’s a process which doesn’t follow a linear path - one day you feel better and the next you’re right back where you started. You have to go with the flow and understand that this is a life event you don’t get over. You learn to live with it, and hopefully eventually you’ll be able to remember him with love, and without the awful raw pain of recent loss. I started grief counselling today and found it very helpful. The counsellor helped me to focus on different things and to understand the grieving process a little better. It will take a long time because it involves rebuilding your life, but for now it’s early days for both of us, so the best advice I can give is to take it one day at a time and post often on here. You’ll get some great advice. Take care

I know just what you are going through, Barn Owl. My husband had a fall in Sainsburys in May and never recovered from the brain bleed. He also developed pneumonia and passed away, with me holding his hand, on 8 June. I cannot grasp his death at all and hate every minute of my own life. I just want to be with him, although I would never take my own life. On 21 July, we would have been married for 66 years. The pain is dreadful, and doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I can’t eat, sleep or function normally at all. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you for your reply , and sorry I have not really been on the site or posting this past week. They say things get easier, but this past week seemed like it all happened yesterday plus I have had some health problems myself to add salt to the wounds.
My husband passed away 2nd May this year, so yes not very long ago. Before Christmas when he went to the Drs with painful hips he was told he had arthritis in his hips and a touch of gout!!! Given tablets and carried on. My husband wanted to go away for Christmas which I was t that bothered, but we was so looking forward to the break we went, well we had a lovely time and the holiday went well, even tho I noticed he was tired, but we all put it down to age. In February he had had a cold and cough and it carried on so I insisted that he went to the Drs, we were told he had mild bronchitis and given antibiotics, a week later no forward and asked for some more, but the loacom Dr wanted a chest X Ray and blood tests. 13th February she ammitted into hospital from the surgery and told me he had pneumonia, after a week on intvernious antibiotics he was not responding so they decided then to do more tests and a week to ten days later we had the Tragic news that he had cancer in his lungs, spine and spread to the bones, well this is when my world feel apart, as my husband had always been so fit and was never ill and was X Army so as he would always use the Fraser work your way out of it, but sadly he was Aiken from me just weeks after.
I am having bereavement counciling now, and I can speak about my husband and get upset , last week I was able to say some things that I had been bottling up inside, even my family don’t know about it, as I think they think I am coping OK as when with them I do put on the smiley face for the sake of the little ones also, but inside I am like a coiled wire. This week have not seen the family and I am in learning mode with the garden, not sure if some of the things I have done are correct, but having a go as it was my husbands pride and joy and I am going to try and keep it nice for him. But now back in doors and it starts and feel as if I am back in my touture chamber. . Like you we had been together for over 40years and this is the first time I have been alone and not adjusting to it very well. I wish you well and hope each day begins to get easier for you and life can take on a new meaning for you, kind regards arnowel ( Liz )

Thank you for your message Virgo25. Yes life is so very cruel and we were together over 40years and I cannot adjust to life on my own, the days are so long and nights seem to last forever. I cannot adjust to being in a crowd and spend my time trying to get a way out as I cannot bare to be with other couples. Friday I took the bus and went to Cambridge to get me out of the house and spent practically the whole journey looking out of the window so as know to look at the happy faces of couples going about their day, it is something we did together and was the first time I had done it alone and I felt so ill and was so glad when I was able to get of the bus.
I do hope you find some peace within yourself before long and manage to find a new purpose in life, and know there a lot of us that are going through the same feelings as each other and not alone. I do not come on the site each day as I find myself crying with all the so very sad stories and then sit and question everything all over again. Take care of yourself. Barn owl ( Liz )

Hello Julieanne, so very sorry to hear your sad news regarding your husband, and yes very quick just like my husband. We were lucky with the hospital as they were very kind to him as they new he hated hospitals and I was so very glad that he finally went into the hospice and was given so. I hope care and love and to know he was comfortable being there. I have not been on line the past week as I have had a bad week and could not face reading the so very sad stories online, but have come back tonight as evenings are my worse and I know there are people feeling just like I am. I do hope you find some comfort before long and begin to pick up your life in time, but yes it will be one step at a time. Take are Barnowl .

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