Intolerable

I really can’t live this life that I’ve been left with. I lost my Dad 21/2 weeks ago and I’ve never felt pain like it. I hate sleeping because I hate waking up. My Mum is in torture, as am I and I worry so much for my children. Life will never be the same again - this was unexpected. I’ll never come to terms with it and just can’t get through. I feel guilt, regrets, responsibility, fear, terror, dread for every new day. Why does the sun have to keep coming up?

Dear Gee1,

It sounds like at the moment you feel completely overwhelmed by your recent loss and can’t see a way forward. When you read other posts on here you will find that many have felt like that, especially in the first weeks after losing a loved one. It may be hard to believe now, but it will not always be as unbearable as it is now, Just like the sun keeps coming up, and after each dark night there is daylight there will come a time when your the strong emotions you feel will no longer be overwhelming and where you will look back and see that you did find the inner strength to go through it.

You write that you are worried about your children. I don’t know how old they are, but if you would like to find out a bit more about how to support them, this article on the site may be helpful:


I hope that you and your mum are able to support each other, and that you also have other family and friends who can be there for you at this difficult time.

Please feel free to post on this site as often as you want to. We are all here because we know what it feels like to lose someone we love.

Jo

Thank you Jo
Here we are, another day and again, nothing but tears, sorrow and fears.
I really cannot carry on like this, nothing will be the same again. The days we used to celebrate (family birthdays, anniversaries) will now be days to dread. I can see nothing pleasant on the horizon.
I have so many regrets and just wish I could turn the clock back.
My life ended when my Dad left. He had such faith and said we would get through. Why has God destroyed my Dad’s life and his family?

Dear Gee1,

‘Nothing but tears, sorrows, and fears.’ I wished I could put my arms around you, give you a big hug, and just be with you in this time of sadness. I have been there quite a few times myself in the last 4 years when I lost my dad, my mum, one of by my best friends, and more recently my mother-in-law. My friend was younger than me. She and her husband both prayed and believed that she would be healed, but it did not happen. Last Easter she died of cancer. Her daughters are lovely teenagers. They were all devastated and had many questions, but they also found comfort in believing that she had gone to heaven and was free of pain. I had to watch the funeral online in the middle of the night because they had moved to New Zealand and due to lockdown I never had the chance to travel and say good bye to her.
Was your dad part of a faith community that can support you and your mum and maybe help you with your questions? If not, and you would like to know how my faith and my parents’ faith has helped me, do feel free to send me a private message.
Was the article about helping children to grieve any help or was it not relevant for their age?
Keep posting and maybe you can tell us a bit about your dad and what happened to him.
Am thinking of you, take care of yourself. Remember, there are helplines like the Samaritans, you can contact any time of he day or night when you need someone to talk to. Do let me know if you want me to give you their phone number.
Jo

Hello Jo, thanks for your message. I don’t know how to send a private message, please could you tell me?
My Dad didn’t belong to a faith group. His faith was very much a personal thing between himself and God. My Dad’s strength and faith got us all through so much. It seems so cruel that he has been let down now. I imagine him somewhere distraught - upset that he told his best friend ( my young son) that everything would be ok but it wasn’t.
We are all distraught now - my parents were shielding. I did shopping etc but didn’t go in the house to protect them and respect their wishes.
I now blame myself because if I had actually gone in and checked on Dad, I may have seen signs that would have alerted me to get more help. Although I did ring the Dr several times and only once managed to get a Dr to call.
I see no future now. My mum says she can’t go on abd is showing no will to . My household is broken - without my Dad and Grandad, there are no hopes for happy family times. I just regret everything.
I’m yearning for last year. If I’d had any idea this was going to happen I’d have camped in my parent’s garden just to be able to see them more through the patio door.
My Dad invested so much in me and in his hour of need I feel I was wrapped up in juggling work and home schooling - I’ll never forgive myself.
I feel I have lost my faith now. Has anyone else felt like that?
The loss and cruelty of the situatio n could not be the actions of the God I thought I knew ( and my Dad too). I am just a shell myself now. Seeing what this is doing to my mum and not having my dad is just too much to handle.

Dear Gee1,

To send someone a private message, just click on their name and a box should pop up with info about that person and if they have allowed is, you will see ‘private message’ in the right hand corner. If you click on that, you can send a message to that person that will not be visible to others on the site and they can send you a private message back.

Your dad sounds like a lovely man who cared deeply for his family and was always there for you. The more we loved someone, the harder it can be when we lose them, even though in a different way they will always be with us, in our hearts and in our memories.

I have read many posts on here from people who. like you, struggled with feelings of regrets and ‘what ifs’, and others always reply to tell them that it was not their fault and to please stop thinking like that. Yes, if you had known what was going to happen you may have done things differently and spent more time with your dad, but you did not know. What matters most is that you both knew how much you loved each other.

Please do not blame yourself for anything you did or did not do. I don’t think your dad would want you to do that. You did what we were all told at the time was the best thing to do: shield those who were most vulnerable. You did the best you could under the circumstances and I am sure your parents were grateful for the things you were able to do for them, like their shopping and trying to get hold of their GP.

People’s faith can be really shaken in times of suffering and grief. Some may loose the faith they had, others may find their faith gets stronger.

Your mum sounds a bit like my mum. When my dad died, she did not really want to live without him. The first few weeks and months will be really hard for your mum, but like my mum, she has children and grandchildren who love her and that could give her the motivation to go on. Life has changed completely for all of you, but it is not over. Somehow, you will find a way to handle the grief.

Jo

Dear @Gee 1,

Following on from our previous conversation, here are some links to organisations you can contact when you feel you cannot cope anymore:

  • The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s on your mind. You can call them on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • Stay Alive App - is an app that offers useful information to help you stay safe. It’s available on Android, Apple and Desktop. -
  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.

I have also received your private message and have replied to it.
Jo

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