Hello, I don’t really know what I need or what I’m doing to be honest. And I apologise for the long message.
It’s been a month today that I jolted up to my fiancé struggling. I tried to give him CPR and failed.
He died very suddenly and unexpectedly both of us only being 26. We have a 2 year old baby together.
The first 2 weeks were horrendous. I lost over a stone. I was either crying, blaming myself, wanting to switch places, numb or in complete disbelief this ever happened. But just trying to set goals of getting baby dressed and fed. He had to have his 2nd birthday without his dad and me just there in body.
Now it’s like I’m doing stuff, the odd feeling of being hungry/ thirsty coming back and almost forgetting the whole last 5 years of my life. But knowing something is missing. Is this normal? It makes me feel so guilty and like people will think I didn’t love him because I did so much. When the thoughts and pain creep in it’s unbearable - grieving for his life, mine and our baby.
I know we only got 5 years together but we were so so connected. Everyone even when he was here would say how you can just see and feel the love between us all the time. We had our whole lives planned together. Never went a day without eachother now I have gone 28 very long days without him and the thought of anymore is crippling.
I can’t process any of it I don’t want to. We don’t even know the reason yet.
I am a nurse my job is to save people and I couldn’t save the person who meant the world to me. I just keep telling myself that I should have picked up on something and he was so young I should have been able to bring him back.
Megan3, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner at Christmas and I know how you are feeling. Sudden and unexplained deaths are so difficult with someone who is young and appears healthy. My partner was 53.
I think it’s part of the grieving process, numbness which makes things feel unreal. I don’t doubt you loved your partner even without knowing you. I also feel like the last 11 years with my partner was a dream and not real. Then reality hits and it’s so tough.
I’ve been advised to get out and exercise. More difficult for you with a two year old but perhaps, in good weather, a walk in the park with the buggy and a friend or family member.
I hope you have supportive friends and family who tell you, as they do me, none of this was your fault. It wasn’t your fault please believe me.
A friend of mine, who lost her son, goes swimming regularly.
I believe this is going to take a long time. There will always be a space which our special person filled but perhaps, in time, it will be easier to live with.
There will always be triggers. (I can’t listen to the radio incase a song hits hard.) but we do have to carry on for our families. You for your child and me for my children and grandchildren.
Please keep talking, this is my first post too, I really hope things will get better for both of us.
I am so sorry Megan 3. I don’t know what to say. What has happened to you is tragic. I had to attempt CPR too. I feel I failed because couldn’t save my well and active husband who had so much more to give this world. But there is a big difference. My husband was much older and we had many years together. I am weeping for you. I am so sorry. Much love to you xx
Megan
I’m a lot older than you but I do understand your feelings as I’m going through the same. The numbness, disbelief and the missing the other person. Just take each day, hour, minute at a time.
Just because you are doing things doesn’t mean you love him any less it’s just you’ve got a young child and you have to keep going for his sake. Anyway you’ve got to look after yourself and not worry about what other people think and we all cope in different ways.
There will be times that it hits you more, sometimes triggered by random things and you just need to cry and get it out of your system.
I’ve got two dogs to make sure I have to get up in the morning, you’ve got your son. You will have difficult days but always give him your love.
We all feel guilty about what we could have done differently so save our loved one’s life but that’s just part of the process so please don’t beat yourself up about that one.
Lydia2, I’m sorry for your loss. I really feel for you, just because you had more time together doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Please take care of yourself x
Thank you for your response it really means so much and sorry for your loss. It’s just so surreal. It’s so hard to trying to navigate coming to terms with nothing being wrong then suddenly he is gone. I am sorry that you also understand that pain.
My partner is buried in a natural burial grounds it almost just looks like a field I go up each day and little one can have a run. Eventually I will go to busier places.
My family do call but I also like my own company, it’s such a difference going from people hardly ever calling in to suddenly all the time. Not to mention even with them here I still feel so lonely.
Megan, I get that regarding feeling lonely.
No one knows exactly how you feel.
I feel it’s like looking out of a window at everyone else carrying on with their lives and feeling separated by the unique feelings you are going through.
It’s lovely that your friends and family are checking in on you and it sounds like you are doing the best that you can.
I’m getting out of bed and into my gym kit now. My family aren’t local and I have an elderly cat (who sleeps a lot and is very cuddly) not a dog.
I have really bad anxiety and am off work so I need to take my own advice more xx
hi,
I was with my partner for 5 years and kind of feel like i dont matter because it was only 5 years and we werent legally married. I am still in shock i think. i am so sad, like all the time. he passed away in january aged 69. im 50. I do feel for you but it must be feel hopeless for you being so young. what an awful thing to experince. i find im bargaining a lot about could i have done more etc. the thing is, we couldnt have changed this out come. its happened. i take one day at a time and force myself not to isolate completetly.
5 years isn’t as long as some of us on here but that doesn’t diminish the loss you’re feeling. My mother had left body dementia and it’s an awful condition. People on here will be there to support you.
You absolutely matter I do really think it’s about the connection you have with someone.
I only had 5 years and he was my soulmate, I knew it from the first day. Even with a 2 year old the house feels so quiet and empty. I also bargain a lot too. I think I am just going in a circle with the stages of grief - I maybe going a little mad to be honest. I’m sure with time instead of thinking of the things we feel we could have done we will remember the things we did do and the wonderful times we had hopefully won’t feel as painful.
@ema10 you matter a great deal to your partner, for every moment you were together, and you are still so precious now because of all the love you gave him.
I was with my partner 11 years but we each kept our own home, close to each other, and we stayed with each other regularly.
I lost my previous home when my marriage broke up in 2007 and only managed to get myself together financially after a few years.
My partner had also had a painful divorce and we both had lived on our own a long time when we met.
I really hoped one day, maybe when we retired, we’d find a place together.
My life was so much better with my partner in it, he made me feel special.
Lately I’ve been feeling more that Simon’s spirit is free and he is ok.
I do talk to him, especially when I’m alone in the car.
It’s hard for us to accept our own loss, it hurts so very much, but I find a little comfort having those feelings.
Sending you love and a hug x
I do really think it’s about the connection you have with someone.