I imagine there will never be a better time, my loss will never diminish. But right now,
In this very moment, it feels like the very worst time. Just like tomorrow will feel like the worst time, then the next day, then Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, they will all be the worst time. But right now is the worst time. This is when I really need someone to talk to, someone to listen but there’s no one there.
Why can’t we have a sponsor like people who are struggling with addiction? Someone to say ‘yes it’s shit, no you’ll never be the same, your friends will desert you and family will leave… but I’ll be here, day or night, just message or call, I’ll be here with every step of that awful, painful journey’
Or is that just in the movies?
I imagine there will never be a better time, my loss will never diminish. But right now,
Hello @MoBe ,
I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter. It sounds as though things are very difficult at the moment and you are missing her a lot.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Another good place to get support is Child Bereavement UK - supports families with the loss of a child. 0800 02 888 40 http://www.childbereavementuk.org/
Take care - keep reaching out,
MoBe, we all feel your pain, somehow we will never get over loosing our child somehow we have to learn to live alongside the pain. I know it’s so so hard, I have to do hour by hour. I really do try to turn any negative to a positive. I have read any article that you allow yourself so much time to think about your loss each day and then try to distract yourself. I really feel your pain. Please keep messaging and we can all try to help you through this hell journey. There is no set journey through this grief and we all have different coping mechanisms….my release is walking, swimming, but I hardly see anyone as I think they are all idiots xx
Has been a very hard few days, no specific reason, just the whole sense of loss. I keep seeing her face as she took her last breaths. Her eyes opened.
A friend told me that eventually you stop seeing their illness and remember them, I hope she’s right.
I was in the coffee shop (again) I’ve gone almost every day since she died, as I’ve said before, I’m running away from home as it’s too painful. I cry almost every day I’m there too because I think this is where me and my other daughter are forced to talk. So naturally we talk about what we have lost and cry. No one looks, no one asks, no one cares… except today they did.
A young girl came over with tissues for me and asked if I was ok. I could only nod.
But for the first time I didn’t feel invisible and it really shocked me. I guess I really thought no one could see me and I’m not sure that I like being seen.
I just wanted to share this link with you @MoBe, as it sounds similar to what you’re looking for.
The Compassionate Friends have a grief companion scheme. A grief companion is another bereaved parent volunteer who will provide one-to-one contact for parents who are in their first or second year of bereavement and who have lost a child from 1 month old up to an adult child. Grief companion support is provided for up to 12 months. Your grief companion will be at least 3 years bereaved.
You find out more about it here: The Compassionate Friends | Grief Companion Scheme
MoBe sorry I haven’t been in touch, my feet haven’t touched the ground again, you can imagine the pain we are going through again. How are you feeling. I have just read the blog about perhaps having your own bereavement counsellor through this forum, it may really help you and certainly worth thinking about, I’m missing my son more and more every day. Another funeral and inquest looms for us. When will this shit life get easier I ask… never I don’t think. Take care xx
I’m sure it must be taking you right back and all the pain will be resurfacing. How can you heal when the wound keeps reopening? It’s going to be very difficult facing another funeral and inquest. Minute by minute
I’m not doing well, my therapist suggested making a memory box to help me move on.
Oh yeah, now that you’ve said that I realise that’s what I’ve been missing.
I cannot bear to look at a photo or hear her voice, I cannot be in her bedroom or any room in my home without the pain of my loss flooding over me like a tidal wave. So how the hell can you expect me to make a memory box? As if a box could contain all my memories, my pain and my sorrow, as if closing the lid of a box is closing the lid on my grief.
I miss her so fucking much.
I not sure all this training for councillors helps unless they have lived it . I have a huge memory box from 0-18 years that I was going to give him when he moved out now he will never see it.
Ive put lots of photos that were hanging up away they are just to hard to see.
Hi Mobo I see more words of wisdom from your therapist, as if a memory box is going to help. I agree it might be helpful maybe for a child who has lost a parent , or a parent who lost a child very young. I however feel i have too many memories already , everywhere. Everytime i open a cupboard or a drawer, something there to remind me of him and stab me in the heart, go shopping there is the food i used to buy for him , meals he liked me to cook, tv programmes he used to like or we watched together, music he liked , smells in the house, I can’t even bare the sound of the hairdryer he used . Oh for a few moments of peace where there IS no memory to knock me down again. Maybe in the future when it’s not all so raw and I am getting rid of things, a memory box might be a good idea, but over 2 years for me now and I still can’t get rid of anything and my memories of him are no way fading to need a memory box. Yes 2 years and it still feels raw just better at breathing through it.
We are all struggling on this journey, I find more help here than anywhere, when I feel alone and no one understands I come on here, it’s got me through some really awful moments. So many on the same journey feeling that unimaginable unbearable pain .I hope you can find some comfort here aswell during those desperate times, know you are not alone .
I am really struggling and been crying so much, plus I’ve been trying to sort out my son’s photos on my iPad and screwed it all up. I think until a counsellor has experienced our grief and this hell journey they should not be counselling on this subject. I haven’t got a memory box done, everything is a memory. I’m not sure how to get through another funeral, I’ve gone back 8 months in this journey which I don’t want to be doing. Like you say little steps. Take care xx
I’m just very tired, tired of the pain, tired of living. Tired of waking every day and living this nightmare.
Tired of talking to people who will never understand, never know my grief, never feel my loss. I’m tired of pretending, tired of trying, tired of crying, tired of breathing.
I’m tired of losing. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of the weight of loss I carry on my back, I’m tired of the hole where my heart should be. I’m tired of trying to find a way out of this pit of despair. I’m tired of asking for help.
People will never understand how we feel unless it has happened to them, which I hope it hasn’t,
I can literally feel how tired you are from your post.
I don’t see many people as I can’t be bothered with them. I can relate to so many things you have written, but maybe take time and think would your daughter want you to be so tired of everything.
We are all on different levels on this journey.
We can all help you in our own ways to muddle through.
Are you writing your daily journal as I find that really helps.
What about trying to go for a walk first before you go to the coffee shop.
Maybe someone else on here can help with a few little ideas.
Keep messaging and take care xx
Oh yes MoBe so tired , in despair and broken. Life knocks you down and you get back up, a bit more broken each time ,but this time it’s like I had been run over with a steam roller and crushed to dust. I never understood that saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”I gave up and went onto anti depressants, did not want to but got to the point I could not function or even string a sentence together. They did help but I did not want to stay on them too long and am trying to do without them now. Have you spoken to your doctor? I had diazepam and sleeping tablets as well but the diazepam did not do anything.
Thank you @MJG and @Jss, like everyone on here who has lost a child I’m finding it all too much. I mentioned the David Kessler book to my counsellor ( after I told him he would never understand because he hasn’t lost a child) and he got so defensive, even asked me if I wanted to continue with my sessions, I have one left.
I just feel so let down. Let down by health care professionals, family, so called friends, even by my oldest daughter. I feel like I’m the only one left feeling the loss as keenly now as the day she died.
I’m scared the world is forgetting her, I think this is made so much harder because everyone is moving on, hurtling towards Christmas (since when did people decorate their houses in the middle of November?) no thought for us, those left behind, trapped in grief, never moving on because we can’t go forward when our hearts are firmly locked in the past. @Jss I’m so happy you still have those feelings 2 yrs on because the only thing keeping me going is knowing this will never diminish, it’s all I have left of her.
Oh MoBo don’t worry the others will never forget your daughter they will just remember her in a different way. The best quote I found that resonated with me was the “depth of your grief is equal to the depth of your love”. A mothers love is total, you are her mother , only you . So it’s going to be so all consuming for you compared to the others. We do have to bare that weight on our own in some way as it’s unique to us as mothers, no one else can feel it as acutely as we do, that’s what I think anyway.
Sometimes I panic as time is moving on, I get frightened it may feel like he is moving further away like I am losing him more (you might fear that to sometime as you go further along your journey ) but then I think if I am moving further away in one direction I am getting closer to him in another. Like a circle Our time will come one day and I am just waiting, tick, another day gone, that’s how I see it anyway.
Your therapist getting defensive reveals a lot, seems to me he believes he knows it all if he is not prepared to consider he could learn something new from another EXPERT who has actually walked the walk and not just talked the talk. Isn’t that arrogance to think you know it all and not be prepared to consider there are still things you could be ignorant of? But then I should not judge.
Hang on in there and try to hold out for a glimmer of hope., there must be one even if we can’t see it yet, others get through it . Take care .
I love that quote. I imagine all the mothers on here will identify with it. I don’t want to offend anyone but I think only a mother can love unconditionally, selflessly and with every fibre of her being. There may be some dads.
It’s Saturday again, at 11:06 it will be 13 weeks exactly. Her death certificate is 12:06 but that’s on BST, so in winter it’s 11:06. I know this because that ache in my body never lets me forget the exact time.
I just miss her so much.
I miss her smile, her laugh, her voice, her touch. She was such a joy to be around, she was my life and it’s getting harder and harder to be in this life without her
MoBe our feelings will never ever fade away. My ex sister in law sent me a card ages saying, you will never get over the loss of your son, you will learn to live a different way. The words hurt me first of all but they are very true if you think about them. All we can do is the best we can. I try to think my son would want me to try and carry on, like I try, but some days are so much harder than others as we know.
Christmas is not happening, and fed up with the shops, tv adverts already, and yes people decorating the outside of their houses. It really does break me.
Unless people have gone through this they have no idea the pain we have and that we will never be the same again. I have changed so much and my temper is another matter. I’ve always been quick tempered but anyone who annoys in any way gets it from me. I was never this bad and sometimes I don’t like myself, but I can’t help it. I’m strong enough minded to stand up to idiots who think I should be doing this or that. Why don’t you try doing one little task a day or once week, something you haven’t done since your loss. Writing a daily journal really helps me and when you read back you can see how you have progressed, it’s worth a try. Please take care of yourself, feel free to private message, anything which may help you even a tiny bit, xx
I try to do something everyday, at the very least I go out for a walk, to try and distract myself from my feelings but it never works. There is always something there to punch another hole in my heart. It can be walking past a mother and daughter, hearing Christmas music blasting from someone’s car (yes that happened today) or the realisation she won’t ever be here for Christmas. I won’t ever take out my decorations. put up a tree, buy a gift or drink snowballs with her ever again.
I know I sound so negative but I can’t ever see a time when I won’t be paralysed with grief or this pain won’t feel so vivid and raw. You’re so right, we’ve changed, we can’t ever be who we once were and I really don’t like this version of me. I feel like I am just a shadow, a glimpse of who I was because the other me had her to make me whole. Now I am nothing.
At least you are going out for a walk each day, it will help even if you don’t think think so. Christmas music, adverts are so upsetting and fully understand how you feel. All we can do is try to take each minute as it comes. Have you spoken to your GP again to see if they can help you at all. My heart goes out to you and I’m here for you xx
Final counselling session today.
Lasted 10 minutes.
He asked how I thought it had gone and yet again he interrupted before I’d finished a sentence. This time I told him and his response? I’m not ready to move on.
13 weeks, 4 days and 12hrs since my whole reason to breathe took her last breath and I’m not ready to move on?
Is it any wonder so many people suffer in silence, there is no help, all this ‘you are not alone’ ‘just reach out’ ‘talk to someone’ is just lip service and empty promises.
I feel tainted, as if I have killed her. People avoid me, bow their heads, rush indoors, cross the street. Grief is not contagious, why will no one help?
I really wish I didn’t have to wake up each day with the gnawing anxiety in my stomach of what can I do today to block out this pain, this loss, this suffering? I really wish I didn’t have to wake up at all.