I lost my Mum on 21st March and my Aunt on the 30th March. I’m not sure what’s happened however I can’t seem to be able to grieve.
My Mums illness (Leukemia) only lasted 3 weeks and 5 days and was only detected with routine blood tests.
Everything happened so quickly.
Mum spent 3 days in intensive care at the end and that’s when I started to feel a bit ‘unusual’ as if I was slipping away from reality. Up until the time when Mum went to intensive care, I felt strong as I was sure Mum would get through it. On seeing Mum in intensive care, I broke down and cried and when she looked at me and squeezed my hand, I felt as if she knew then she wasn’t going to make it. I cried all the way of the 2 hrs drive home from hospital and all through the night.
Mums second day in intensive care was better as she was joking and making us laugh.
The next morning I had a call to get to the hospital as soon as possibles and Mum slipped away peacefully that evening.
Whilst my Dad and brother broke down and cried, I just continued to hold Mums hand stared at her for several minutes and since that moment, whenever I think of Mum, my mind just goes totally blank. There have been times when I’ve started to cry but straight away my mind just won’t allow me.
My Aunt passed away and given how much pain she had been in for such a long time, it was what she wanted and was expected.
I want to be able to remove myself from this ‘haze’ and grieve and had hoped that someone may be able to advise me on how it’s possible.
(The only time I actually feel ‘normal’ is whilst running/cycling)
So sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum and your Aunt. This a double loss and very recent, you must give yourself time. Everyone grieves differently and there really is no normal. Bereavement is a shock and to my mind very much like PTSD so don’t feel guilty about feelings that you don’t think are right. It is possible counselling may help and the palliative team at the hospital or your GP will be able to recommend or put you in touch with someone to talk things over with. Ask Priscilla too.It sounds as though your Mum was a very positive and caring person and thinking about what she gave you and what you gave her is the best way of honouring her love - tears will happen again when they choose. Talk with your family too. Wishing you all the best, thinking of you, take care when you are on the road running or cycling.
I’m so terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and your aunt.
You mention that your mother’s death was quite sudden, so it must have have been a horrible shock. Your losses are still very recent, so it’s completely normal that you feel in a “haze”.You must be kind to yourself and remember that there’s not a “right” way to grieve, everyone is different and grieving is a long process. This article might help you identify some of the reactions and feelings you’re experiencing: http://support.sueryder.org/practical-emotional-advice/how-can-i-cope-bereavement
I would also suggest you to ask your GP to refer you to support services in your area or contact an organisation such as Cruse Bereavement, who offer a helpline, email support, face-to-face support with a trained volunteer and local support groups: 0808 808 1677, http://www.cruse.org.uk.
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