I lost my husband 10 months ago. I still feel absolutely devastated and life is getting worse not better. I literally go through the motions of living life work eat etc but I am numb inside. However before my life changed, through work I used to fund raise for a local homeless charity. I have stepped back for now but still receive their e mails. They are currently desperate for clothing jackets jeans and footwear, things my husband had three wardrobes full of. Would it be too callous to donate some of his things? Sometimes I wonder if I would sleep easier if I changed my room a little, other times I want it to remain the same. I just don’t know. I feel awful knowing how desperate these young men are while we have so much. But letting go so early does that make me horrible?
@Debzz no it definitely wouldn’t make you callous or horrible, there’s no timetable for any of this. My dad when he lost my mum donated her clothes within the month, me I still have my wife’s after 3 years. There’s honestly nothing to judge in either situation. Perhaps sorting through his clothes would be a first step, decide if there are things you would like to keep, then decide if you want to donate the rest. It could be a good way of processing your loss a little further. It’s the same with your desire to change your room, change it and if you don’t like it, change it back. It can be very hard early on to find the confidence to make what seems like big decisions, I’ve found that with these kind of choices once I’ve done what I think best I’ve never had feelings of regret. Often it’s the anticipation that gets in our way, trust yourself, you’ll make the right decision.
Thank you for your reply. I already have hung his special Duster coat and hat in my office and my sons and I have made quilts of his funny t shirts. Its just letting go is so hard isn’t it. But I am mindful that he would also be laughing at me as I have never tied emotion to stuff. He used to say when I asked him his wishes. I don’t care I will be dead! He would be exasperated at me.
Debzz,
I am also 10 months in,on this crap path. I have got rid of some of my wife’s clothes, but still have a lot left. I’ve moved some ornaments around, slowly changing stuff,not been able to do other stuff. The choice is how you feel. I saw a good quote,
If it makes you feel sick don’t do it. Only do it when you feel ready. There is no time limit.
Thank you for your reply. I am thinking if I donate to causes I believe in it might help process the loss. He has some suits he bought very recently and I am thinking I might donate those next year to the Prom drive. For young people who can’t afford to buy brand new. Letting go little by little for this new life I don’t want and didnt ask for. I am so mindful life is short now. I don’t want my sons to have to deal with his things as well as mine when I go. I hate I have to be doing this.
I so sorry for you loss l was hoping l would feel better than l do now but that might be in possibly l lost my husband in October this year and feel terrible
Dia I am so sorry you have joined this dreadful club. I lost my husband on Valentines day and the shock is now wearing off and the sadness is settling in. It is so early for you, just take one day at a time and keep coming on here. It really helps to share with others who understand x
My husband was very ill for quite a while before he died but he was very insistent that I was to clear out his clothes at the earliest opportunity after he’d gone. I did this as he asked; his clothes went to the charity shop within a week of him dying but I also felt it helped me as I couldn’t bear to see them hanging in the wardrobe knowing he’d never wear them again. I’ve not regretted doing this but I totally understand other surviving partners wanting to hang on to their loved one’s things. There’s no one size fits all in any of this horrendous situation, it’s what feels right for you at the time that is right for you.
Thank you it do make me feel a bit better when lm talking to someone that’s going through the same and l do know life as to go on but it’s so hard and it happened so sudden and l know l have children around and they are grieving to so l try my very best to be strong until lm here on my own
Debzz i am so sorry for your loss, i lost my dear wife on 16th february .It was all so sudden and such a shock, she had ITP a rare blood condition.she passed here at home in thev living room.I still have flashbacks of the paramedics doing CPR but sadly to no avail.Its broken my heart losing my dear wife, she was so loving, kind and caring.we didnt have children,i am so grateful to this sute and everyones kindness and understanding.Take care.
Hi brummy I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died on 14th February and my heart was broken too. Thank you for your kind words.
Hi Debzz, thank you for your understanding, i dont know what i would do without this site.It really is a rollercoaster this life we have to endure now, so many ups and downs, with more downs than ups.i honestly dont know how i have got this far, its thanks to the kind understanding people on here that has helped me, having no children its just me to try and cope the best i can.I am doing my best but i so miss my dear wife.This so called life i feel is just an existence now, not living as we knew and loved.Take care
I don’t go on this site too much, but the topic of getting rid of my husband’s clothes is something that I am struggling with.Like you my husband was very ill and given a prognosis last October of 12months by his oncologist . He died in August here at home with just me and our border Collie with him. At first it was easy to get rid of things he had worn at the end of his life and I had planned to give the rest of his clothes to charity. However, they are still here in his wardrobe and drawers. Thank you for your reply to Debzz, because it’s helped me to decide to start at least working through things a bit at a time.
Yes l got my husband to sort out l he as got loads he never wore l don’t want to take them to a local charity shop in case l see someone with them on so my daughter going to take then to a centre in Cardiff for homeless people
Debzz
I lost my husband of 50 years in September 2023. I still have the numb feeling you describe and cannot get into my old hobby of cross stitch, not a stitch since he died. However, I did send a lot of his clothes to the charity shop in the first 6 months of his passing. Our son is the same height and size, so many of his clothes for fishing/shooting went to him and are being used. It is far better that others get use from them. I have kept some of his jumpers and a pair of pyjamas that I wear in the house for comfort. One thing I did was to redecorate the bedroom within 3 months of his passing. I just could not bring myself to sleep in the room where I had nursed him for 10 months without feelings of guilt that I could have done better. It also kept me busy to have a big project. I stripped wallpaper, painted ceiling/walls and rearranged furniture. Bought a new bed too. Pride of place on the wall is a portrait of my husband and his beautiful smile who I say goodnight to when I go to bed and good morning when I wake up. Recently our son had to undergo open heart surgery for the very same condition that took his Dad, but my angel watched over him and sent him back to us. Early days but I am hopeful our boy will live a long and healthy life now- but in those early days you can imagine what I was going through.
Dia I feel the same. I try and be strong for the children who are 23 and 26 but I just want to scream why us why him. I cry on and off all day. I keep thinking this pit in my stomach, this hole will stop hurting but it is not. I keep wishing that this is a dream but it isn’t. I just want him back.
Hi Debzz
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband 27 months ago now but I could not bring myself to sleep in the bedroom as I had nursed him there and full of not nice memories. So the first thing I did was redecorate within a month or do. I did it all myself to keep my hands busy. At every step I spoke with him as I could hear him telling me to rub down a bit more, or pop another coat on!! It looked fresh and clean and I moved back in though I still have not had a peaceful sleep 27 months on.
I then sorted his clothes and kept the tops I wanted to keep, then offered them to our son to choose what he wanted (they were the same height and build). Once the family had made their choices I sent the rest to the charity shop so other men could get use from them.
This Xmas will be my 4th without him at home (he was in hospital for Xmas in 2022 and died in September 2023). Each year is tough seeing his empty chair. This year I have invited another elderly neighbour to join us for dinner at his place, as she will be all alone otherwise. I’m sure my Phil would approve!
With my wife’s clothes, about 2 weeks after she died, three of her wonderful girlfriends asked if they could come and get them sorted, and all turned up. I said "keep what you want, sort the others into bags for the charity shop or the tip.
My role was to lug full bags downstairs, make cups of tea and sarnies and play my Queen CD loudly. They kept it all light-hearted and even a bit of laughter was heard. It was a labour of 
It was a real relief to get it sorted and move on. Nothing to fear!