My soul mate passed away unexpectedly 8 days ago, she was only 33 and I obviously need help.
The funeral isn’t until the 16th of December and I was going to wait until that day has passed but being honest with myself I need help right now.
Ive read alot online about sudden grief and im unsure as to when to speak to a professional. Should I do it asap or wait until after the funeral? I do have a very supportive family but I need help from people who can relate to my situation.
Dear Lost2021
I am so sorry for your loss and at such a young age but also loss of a soulmate brings with it such physical as well as emotional pain. I waited six months before receiving counselling following the sudden death of my husband. Before that started I used Cruse national helpline and also Samaritans.
You do not say how your partner passed and I will not pry. But I do know that some other charities have helplines to support families affected by specific illness.
Take care and thinking of you.
Hi Sheila
Thank you for your reply.
Ive read it’s best to wait 6 months but I don’t think I can wait that long, I have no idea what to do!!
My partner went to the shops to get a drink and got knocked down. I have no clue how I’m getting through each day but somehow i am.
Dear Lost2021
My husband died whilst on his motorbike and was in collision with a car so I can understand in some way the shock, disbelief, tragedy that comes with such an event.
I was assigned a Police Family Liaison Officer and they referred me to the national road victim service called Brake. They assigned me a caseworker who helped with the processes (Inquest etc) but can sometimes direct you to counselling services. You are right we are advised to wait 6 months but as I know only too well that is a long wait so I did speak with Samaritans on a number of occasions - they were very supportive and helped at my lowest points.
I think the first 3-4 months each day was just a blur and I staggered through each day - sometimes didn’t even manage that and spent days in bed. So just take each day - even just each hour if necessary - as best you can and please surround yourself with trusted friends and family.
Hi Sheila,
That is awful and you wouldve had the same shock as I have. When I found, out my whole world changed, I was with her 1 minute before she crossed the road.
This week has been a blur and I’m amazed at what I’ve done up to this point but there so still much more to come.
Ive moved back into my parents and my 2 dogs are with my brother so I do have support. I cant live in my own house until I get my mental side sorted out if that will even be possible
Dear Lost2021
Tragically you are right there is still so much to come and deal with. I spoke to my husband 3 hours before the crash - he was so happy and cheery, told me he loved me and would see me soon. I had to provide a statement to the police which was difficult. The best man at our wedding and my husband’s best friend is a former police officer so he took over much of the responding to the police investigatory side of things including attending the inquest. One piece of advice I would give is take your time and go at your pace. I did feedback to the police that I thought that because they deal with such events routinely I was not given the time/space needed before having to do some things.
In terms of dealing with the mental anguish that these incidents create not sure how we get through it if being honest but being able to talk to friends, family and individuals not connected in anyway does bring some sort of relief. As part of my grief I have found myself stuck with ‘anger’ for prolonged periods. Angry at my husband for continuing to ride his motorbike and leaving me in particular - these are the emotions that I found that I could not burden my kids with whereas I could vent with the counsellor and when contacting Samaritans.
Take care. Will be thinking of you.
Hi Sheila
It’s so tragic and you read about these things everyday but you never ever think itll happen to you. When Rachel left she told me she loved me and I’ll see you tomorrow, she was always happy and smiley and through time hopefully that will be a comfort but not today, the only comfort I have and it’s awful to say is she passed away instanstanly so she wasnt in any pain.
I decided yesterday I need to go at my own pace as the last week is a blur. I’ve seen her in the morgue, I’ve helped arrange her funeral with the family, ive met up with the family separately on numerous occasions and theres still alot more to come.
The anger scares me as I know it’s going to come, I have been angry in stages especially the few days after it happened but right now I’m trying my hardest not to get angry as I need to do what I can for Rachel. It was a terrible accident, it sounds like the driver was speeding when it happened but I cant think like that as no matter what happened Rachel is gone and isn’t coming back.
Its morning time and I hate this bit. I just lye in bed crying at how on earth this has happened and start the mental torture of having to get up and somehow get through the day.
Thank you again for your reply, it is a help.
Hi @Lost2021,
I lost my young partner too, he is only 35 and passed away just under 6 weeks ago. I can’t find comfort in anything. I also read that we should wait 6 months for counselling but I couldnt wait that long. I reached out to the hospital where Antonio passed away and will meet with someone tomorrow. I have awful flashbacks and constantly feel traumatised by what happened so knew I had to start counselling sooner rather than later. I think you should do what feels right for you too. I also found an organisation called WAY (widowed and young) I have only just joined so no idea if it will be helpful or not but I’m just looking for people who will have a better understanding of the pain we are going through.
Hi Bwhy,
Thank you for for taking the time to reply to me and for mentioning WAY. I’ve joined now too as i know I need as much help as I can. I’ve never known the world be so dark and I cant wait 6 months to talk to someone.
I doubt this pain will ever go away but I need to know how to deal with it, to be honest I just dont know what to do!!! I’m not one for hitting the drink or drugs or doing anything else but I now completely understand why people do it but as I said that’s not me and I need to keep going for Rachel.
Dear Lost2021
I have only just dragged myself out of bed. Missed an appointment at the bank but finding that as Christmas approaches my levels of anxiety are increasing.
With regard to the accident - for the minute let it go and let the police deal with that side of things. My husband was at fault so I am angry towards him. Police told me seconds either way between husband or the car and the crash would not have happened - the narrowness of the country road contributed but it doesn’t bring him back. It does not give me the retirement we had planned. In the early months all my time was consumed with the events leading up to the crash but these have subsided marginally. Little steps that is all we can take.
Hi Shiela . I very sad to read about your loss
There are 2 very important times in our lives after a death and they are 2 months, because go into automatic actions where we simply feel that everything is is?like living in a daze
At 2 years , we begin to realise that our loved 1 is not coming back to us?
To answer your question about when should you get counselling.
I would suggest you contact your local NHS mental health team I A P T S and azk their advice . They will be caring and empathetic sending you a virtual hug for strength. Keith the poet. I lost my wife 27 years ago
So now I’m married to an Angel who lives in heaven
Hi Sheila,
I don’t know how I manage to get out of bed. it feels like Rachel drags me by the hair and throws me into the shower each morning.
I’m trying not to let the accident over take me but it’s so hard as if the driver wasnt speeding Rachel would be here now. The procurator fiscal wont be in touch for another 11 weeks and that’s feels like a lifetime away. I need to concentrate on the funeral but my minds all over the place.
Today I’m going to get the clothes that Rachel has to be dressed in when she is in the coffin, I cant believe what I’m typing and saying but it is real and I need to somehow get through it all.
I’m meeting up with a counsellor today as I do need speak to someone and after the advice given on here i need to do what i want to do rather than what other people think I should be doing.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your terrible stories and for helping me.
Shiela
may your guardian angel give you guidance and strength to make your own mind up and act on your gut instincts
I send you a virtual hug and peace from my heart .mr chipps x
Dear Lost2021
I can only describe it as looking in on either a TV programme or someone else’s life and that this is not real and I will awaken from this nightmare and my husband will be smiling across the room at me.
The funeral arrangements were made easier because one of my nephews is married to a funeral director and she took control of most things for me. Also we had a church service at the church where my husband worshipped with his family and some of the church people knew him and made some of the decisions for me.
I hope your meeting with the counsellor went as well as it could. Take care.
Hi Sheila,
Everything i do feels like an out of body experience. I’ve never really been a prayer but since this happened 11 days ago I have prayed to anyone who Is listening and I ask Rachel to give me the strength to get through each day. I miss her so much and the pain in the morning is unbearable and it’s getting worse.
I spoke to the counsellor yesterday, it went fine but she just told me what I’ve read and what i already knew and that was not to look too far ahead, take it each day as it comes and that Rachel would want me to do what I want to do rather than doing what I think Rachel would want me to do, if that makes any sense at all.
I’m amazed at what I’ve managed to do already. Yesterday I was telling the funeral lady how Rachel should be dressed in the coffin and I also stumbled across the xmas present she had bought me, all wrapped with lovely messages on the cards, it was heart breaking but everything up to the point has been.
I’ve thought about you alot Sheila and what you’re going through every day, our lives along with everyone on this site has changed in a blink of an eye and has been out with our control. I blamed myself for not going to the shops with Rachel but why would I, she was 33 and had been at the shop a million times . If I had went I would have either got knocked down with her or seen the accident happen. I spoke to a few witnesses who saw it happen and the driver was really speeding so it wasnt her fault at all but I knew that anyway.
Thank you for taking the time to get back to me again and please look after yourself.
So sorry for your loss, I lost my husband last year, suddenly but not in an accident, and I understand some of the shock and disbelief you are feeling. My son had counseling through MIND but he had to wait for 3 months before he could speak to them, someone mentioned the Samaritans in an earlier post and this might be a good idea for you. Stay on this site too, I gained so much from others just knowing I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling. Sending hugs xx
Dear Lost 2021
Thank you. My husband had drive along the same road on his bike and in the car hundreds of times but on this one occasion mistimed something. It was a new bike, the other would have allowed him to bend away from the oncoming vehicle but this motorbike (according to the police investigators) does not react in the same way.
Although not a church-goer I have always prayed. I prayed all the way to the hospital in the back of the police car that my husband would be ok but it wasn’t to be. I still pray on a night that my husband can hear my words and be looking down over us.
Christmas and the weeks ahead will be difficult but will be thinking of you.
Take care. Sheila