Is this normal? On a rollercoaster :(

Losing a parent
#1

Hi everyone,

I lost my mum to lung cancer at the end of April. It was a year from diagnosis to her passing. I was her primary carer and dealt with all the medical appointments, medication etc. She died in hospice care after several weeks in hospital with pneumonia and a fractured hip due to metastasis in the bone.

It’s been 12 weeks since she died and I feel utterly lost now. I can’t see the point in anything. I’m self-employed and have no motivation to work. I’m swinging between several days of high anxiety and then falling into a hole of depression, and I’m not sleeping properly.

I just don’t know what is ‘normal’. My sister is not reacting this way (she lives in Australia with her family but was here at the end), and my stepmum lost her Mum a week before mine, and she’s just getting on with life quite easily, out playing tennis and lunching with friends. I just feel like there’s something wrong with me and I’m afraid I’ll never feel ok again.

Has anyone else experienced this? I can’t envisage being happy again :frowning:

Lucy

#2

Hi Lucy,

I’m sorry you have lost your mum, I lost my mum end of May so I know how it feels.

You were there for your mum throughout everything, she had you til the end so her last days were full of love, I can’t imagine the treatments your mum had to endure as well so now, your mum is at peace, free from all pain. I know that’s probably not a great comfort as you miss her so much, but because you looked after her for so long and organised everything, all them responsibilities are gone and left a void in your life. I know it’s easy to say ‘take up a new hobby’ or something like that but it’s still very raw for you, take as long as you need to grieve but it will be helpful in the near future if you started to take baby steps towards your work and general life, obviously at your own pace.

There’s nothing wrong with you at all, we all deal with grief in different ways. Your stepmum may be carrying on like normal to everyone else but you never know what happens behind closed doors, or it may have a delayed effect on her, as sometimes it doesn’t fully hit people until much later. Worst thing you can do is compare your grief to someone elses, as it’s such a personal thing to go through.

Mothers are wise beings, and in my case I know if I could speak to my mum now, she would be telling me to carry on and look after my dad, and not to worry about her as she’s at peace.

You will never get over losing your mum, nobody ever does, but we heal over time and one day you will be able to look back on memories of your lovely mum and smile, it will take time but you’ll get there, in the mean time, try your best to look after yourself and keep talking to people.

Hope to hear from you soon

Kim x

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#3

Hi Lucy, Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 3 and a half years ago and life is never the same without them but you do somehow learn to cope with the terrible loss you feel. There is still not one day goes by when I dont think of her and all the fabulous times we shared together, however the sadness that she is not here has never left me and I’m sure never will.
When I lost mum all my time and energy went into looking after dad and sadly I lost him to lung cancer last month. I too was his carer and he died at home holding mine and my sisters hand. Although its a blessing hes at peace now and no longer in pain I now, like you, feel totally lost and like life has no meaning. There is a massive void in my life now and I have no motivation to even begin to try and fill it. I haven’t even been able to return to work yet. I often find myself just sat staring into space and have no concentration whatsoever. But its early days and Im trying not to be hard on myself. I know in time I will feel more able to cope and I hope you will too. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve in your own way.
Denise

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#4

Hello Loobyloo, (that was my sister’s nickname)

I’m not surprised you feel as you do, after looking after your mother so intensively while she was ill.
Because your sister lives in Australia her life has hardly changed since your mother passed away. She has her family and daily life will carry on pretty much as before. Whereas, your life and what had become your daily routine suddenly disappeared when your mother died.
After the loss of my mother and partner within 3 months of each other, my entire life from, our plans for the future (we’d just retired) to cooking us a meal, shopping, swimming to getting my haircut has gone forever. I can’t face doing anything I used to do.
I feel the same as you do, everyday is pointless and there’s no pleasure in anything I do. I’ve just come back to an empty house- and all I can think is “what on earth do I do now”

So, no you are not alone in feeling like this, the only thing wrong with is grief, it is the most awful thing I’ve ever had to face. I wish I could give you some advice to help you.

It may help you to see a counsellor? I am, and at least you can say what you like to them.

I hope you will take care of yourself, J x

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#5

Denise,
Your parents were so lucky to have you caring for them and with them when they died.you should be proud of yourself , I’m sure they were.Jx

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#6

Thank you so much for your kind words J, I think I am the lucky one having such amazing parents. It was my absolute honour to look after them and repay the love and kindness they had shown me my entire life.
Im so sorry to hear of the loss you have had to endure, a parent and your partner in the space of 3 months is so heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong and take care of yourself
Denise x

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