It doesn't seem to get easier

I lost my Mum in July 2019. She had a brain tumour and died 8 weeks after first getting a headache, the hospital told us there is absolutely nothing she could have done to prevent it. That does bring me comfort, that it was just her ‘fate’ i guess, and I’m so happy we could be with her towards the end unlike so many people right now with covid.

I am 29 and have younger siblings, so the paperwork and legal work fell to me. It was so much more complicated than I could ever have expected and I just pushed my feelings down in order to cope with the practicalities. I live in America so had to come home to deal with all of that, and now I am back again to sell her house, and my partner is still in England too so I didn’t want to be away from him during the pandemic.

Anyway, it’s 18months to the day since she left. I am still so sad. There is no colour left in the world. I got married last week, and since then I feel like i should be happy and upbeat, but I just feel empty and heavy and sad. I feel so guilty as it should have been my dream day, but instead I found it incredibly difficult. My husband is my best friend, I adore him and am so happy we are married, but the day itself was more difficult than I expected and I’ve been struggling ever since. And on top of that feel so guilty that my feelings are so focused on being without my mum.
My emotions are so up and down, and it is putting a lot of pressure on my relationship. I feel like nobody understands how long grief seems to take. I thought it would get easier, but instead it’s slowly getting more difficult to cope with. People tell you that its normal and takes time, but then when everyone is moving on with their lives, yours feels like it is not moving at all, you’re just sitting in this little world of grief, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am really tired of people telling me she is ‘with me’. I feel awful writing that because they mean well, and it’s a nice thought. It’s like the chemicals in my brain have changed. I really think losing a mother changes who you are. I’ve lost my decision making, my clarity, my focus. I used to love my job and now I dread it. Most days it is ok and I can continue to move forward, and then others, like today, I just feel paralyzed and trapped.

I do have a counsellor, but I am not able to see her whilst I am in the UK due to the US healthcare system. I am having to live at my Dads until my husband and I can go back, and as amazing as they are, I am feeling like I don’t have my own space. When I explain this nobody seems to understand why that is so important to me.

Sorry this is really long. I just need an outlet and I am tired of feeling alone in my grief. And I feel guilty all of the time. Even though my whole family is going through this, why does it feel so lonely? Why does the grief take so incredibly long to unfold and process? I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I hate being the friend that is having a hard time and feeling sorry for myself, I’m bored of being sad and I just want my happiness back, yet the sadness just stays there even when I try to push through it.

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Chloe,
I’m sorry you lost your Mum. I lost mine suddenly 15 months ago to pneumonia and a heart attack.
I certainly understand what you mean by “sitting in this little world of grief”. I can hold it together a bit better now that the first year has passed, but my Mum comes into my thoughts within a mintute of getting out of bed.
It feels like a changed world in so many ways. I’m carrying so much sadness, but I’m doing my best not to let it drag me under.
I do believe given time it will get better. My Dad passed away twenty years ago and life did return to normal. Hapiness did return. We’ve just got to keep going.
Take care.

Hi Chloe

I’ve stopped commenting much on Sue Ryder because at 18 months since my mum suddenly died, I feel that people think I ‘should be ok’ by now.

Also I get scared of letting new grievers know that the pain is still very strong this far down the line.

Friends and family wished me a ‘fabulous!’ New year 2 weeks ago.

Why??

I’ve lost my best friend and exactly as you describe, the colour has gone from my world.

My mum was 74 and lived with my partner, daughter and I. She was very active and very needed and loved.

Our family unit has been destroyed and we are all grieving so deeply. I dont believe I will ever be really happy again. I smile occasionally but I dont belly laugh the way I used to. I show interest in things for my daughters sake but I am never wholeheartedly into anything.

I completely understand how you feel and although I regularly talk to Daffy and a few others on this site, its refreshing to see that others are still feeling like we are this ‘far’ down the line.

Cheryl x

You poor dear Chloe. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think you probably aren’t allowing yourself to feel happy and get on with your future and your wonderful life that your Mum would wish for you more than anything. I have a brain tumour and my husband and I had planned for my passing. I have epilepsy and seizures mist days and this was following most of my life being disabled with arthritis and heart problems. My husband has always looked after me. Then on 16th January 4 years ago he got up in the night to go to the toilet as middle aged men do and just died in front of me. Totally unexpected. It ripped my world apart as we were soul mates and best friends as well as husband & wife and partners for more than 30 years. This week he will have been gone 4 years and it feels like 20. I have no reason to keep going but you do. You have a life and a family and your Mum would want you to have nothing but happiness and want to see you have that joy. Wherever she is, whatever happens after this life ; you know that spirit is with you and you have so much to give and you are doing her a diservice as her child not to enjoy that life she gave you. A parent loves their child and only wants the best for them and you can give her that gift. Just always talk about her and make every tear a tear of joy, remembering her. That’s wonderful that you don’t put her away and forget.

I truly feel your pain in many areas I can so relate to you.
I don’t feel like I’m in the right frame of mind to properly write or give good clear headed advice …but I really hear you and am so truly sorry to hear yr loss and yr story… I am here if you ever want to talk…we all need to reach out to one another in need. I feel like no-one around me ever understands me… or can appreciate that everyone grieves differently and that it will take however long in time that it needs to

Hi Cheryl

Your post really struck a chord with me. I only lost my Mum seven weeks ago but some (well meaning) friends wished me a Happy Christmas and for my birthday last week, some people said “have a great day - you need to spoil yourself after such a terrible few months”.

I wanted to scream at them. Although I know it was said with the best of intentions, it just felt like they were brushing my Mum’s memory under the carpet and saying that I should move on.

I know I will never be the same again as when my Mum was here. She was my absolute best friend and part of me and I think of her as soon as I wake up and all day until I go to bed. The panic of realising she isn’t here any more keeps hitting me like a tidal wave and I feel so alone.

My Mum and I told each other we loved each other all the time but I still feel it wasn’t enough and I would give anything just for five minutes with her.

Nicky

Hi nicky,

Sorry to hear about your mum. It’s very hard. People are so thoughtless or they simply dont get it.

We just have to try and get through life without them. Even now I say I cant believe it. I dont think that will ever go.

I wonder how someone as funny and vibrant as my mum could just disappear.

It’s like she packed her bags to go away on holiday and never came back.

I’m afraid I have to try and spend as much of my day distracting myself…otherwise the pain would destroy me.
Hope you’re doing ok

Cheryl x

Oh Cheryl, I know exactly what you mean. I feel robbed and cheated as you do. My Mum was vibrant too, the life and soul, the sort of person who you can’t ever envisage not being here. It is as though she was suddenly snatched away from me. I know exactly what you mean.

The sad thing is that our Mums would not want us to be so unhappy but it’s impossible not to be.

I hope you are getting the support you need and are doing OK too.

Nicky

I lost mum over 3 years ago and am still not really coping. The weight of the grief is so overwhelming sometimes. I get through one day at a time. I think lockdown has just amplified everything.

Binky

I still take one day at a time too. I cant see this ever changing. The enormity of losing my mum, especially so suddenly and 15 or 20 years before I expected it, is hard to deal with x

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