I lost my Mum in July 2019. She had a brain tumour and died 8 weeks after first getting a headache, the hospital told us there is absolutely nothing she could have done to prevent it. That does bring me comfort, that it was just her ‘fate’ i guess, and I’m so happy we could be with her towards the end unlike so many people right now with covid.
I am 29 and have younger siblings, so the paperwork and legal work fell to me. It was so much more complicated than I could ever have expected and I just pushed my feelings down in order to cope with the practicalities. I live in America so had to come home to deal with all of that, and now I am back again to sell her house, and my partner is still in England too so I didn’t want to be away from him during the pandemic.
Anyway, it’s 18months to the day since she left. I am still so sad. There is no colour left in the world. I got married last week, and since then I feel like i should be happy and upbeat, but I just feel empty and heavy and sad. I feel so guilty as it should have been my dream day, but instead I found it incredibly difficult. My husband is my best friend, I adore him and am so happy we are married, but the day itself was more difficult than I expected and I’ve been struggling ever since. And on top of that feel so guilty that my feelings are so focused on being without my mum.
My emotions are so up and down, and it is putting a lot of pressure on my relationship. I feel like nobody understands how long grief seems to take. I thought it would get easier, but instead it’s slowly getting more difficult to cope with. People tell you that its normal and takes time, but then when everyone is moving on with their lives, yours feels like it is not moving at all, you’re just sitting in this little world of grief, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am really tired of people telling me she is ‘with me’. I feel awful writing that because they mean well, and it’s a nice thought. It’s like the chemicals in my brain have changed. I really think losing a mother changes who you are. I’ve lost my decision making, my clarity, my focus. I used to love my job and now I dread it. Most days it is ok and I can continue to move forward, and then others, like today, I just feel paralyzed and trapped.
I do have a counsellor, but I am not able to see her whilst I am in the UK due to the US healthcare system. I am having to live at my Dads until my husband and I can go back, and as amazing as they are, I am feeling like I don’t have my own space. When I explain this nobody seems to understand why that is so important to me.
Sorry this is really long. I just need an outlet and I am tired of feeling alone in my grief. And I feel guilty all of the time. Even though my whole family is going through this, why does it feel so lonely? Why does the grief take so incredibly long to unfold and process? I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I hate being the friend that is having a hard time and feeling sorry for myself, I’m bored of being sad and I just want my happiness back, yet the sadness just stays there even when I try to push through it.