Today I went fishing for the whole day. It was as good a day as any can be from now on since losing my beautiful soul mate Anne nearly 2 months ago. We were married for 50yrs. You see I don’t have a home anymore. It ceased to be a home the day Anne passed. It’s now called my residence because these days I have anxiety feelings coming back after going outside. Dont get me wrong my friends, I’m grateful for owning my residence. But that’s all it will ever be from now on. Does anyone else feel this way ?
Sorry Geoff but I don’t - my hone remains my hone a place of refuge where I can speak to Jack - a place where I can cry within t explain etc
My home felt empty without him and I found coming home from work or wherever really hard - and then I went away for a few days with my daughter last week. I thought I would be better away from home but actually found it harder everywhere I went and whatever I did I missed him and was struck that we would never go away together again and could see him doing all the things we would normally have done together. And then I came home and was dreading it on the drive back - shed quite a few tears in the car. But when I came inside - it felt strangely comforting as if I could feel him here. I really did not expect that . I am a little further on than you - I lost Gary four months ago. Time has no real meaning now - but whilst I still cry every day - I can see a little progress in coping and was really surprised about how I felt on my return. I am not in a hurry to go away again but feel I did achieve something by going. I have still to brave our holiday home - that I know will be very very hard.
Geoff, I honestly thought that I would walk out of this house the day he died. However I am still here. You see when I met Brian we both had our own homes. He didn’t want to live in mine and I certainly didn’t want to live in his as it had been his home with his previous wife. I have never felt a thing for this house and ‘nagged’ him continually to sell up.
Anyway I couldn’t walk out of it, I had to stay and sort everything out. I decorated as well and guess what, I suddenly have feelings for the place. Perhaps it’s easier to stay than go at the moment but I do know I get comfort from being in this house and feel that Brian is watching over me and possibly having a chuckle at my change of heart after all these years.
I am going to do some more decorating and have plans to change the garden slightly as a winter project.
I know I keep saying this but my lovely dogs help to make the house feel so welcoming, their greeting is so full of love.
So pleased you have your fishing, I have my walking and the allotments which keep me occupied.
Hi Geoff sorry I can’t agree with you ,we bought our house 11 years ago first time buyers in our late fifties,my wife Jane was so proud to be in our own house we had moved 9 times in our 43 years of marriage lived in tied accommodation .
When she passed away many things went through my mind buy a camper live around the country with my little dog ,buy a flat or mobile home I fell out with those ideas when I start taking flowers to her grave I seem to sense her more in the house than I do in the churchyard strange but that’s how the house feels to me and now always will ,the china she collected books she read ,handbag on the side hat and scarf on the bottom of the stairs can stay there in her memory they would have been there if she had still been there.
Everybody as their own opinions at this difficult time for us but for me moving at the age of 70 is a no no I am grateful to Janes parents the sale of their property when they passed away funded the buying of this house a house Jane could at last call home .
Sadly I lost her 11 years on and would gladly give it all up to have her back in my arms even for just a minute.
I am in this house on my own now with my little dog want for nothing except the totally impossible would I feel any different living elsewhere?don’t think so but not willing to try it if Jane is here .
Regards my friend MM69
You have given me hope. Perhaps things will change with time.
Love and Light.
A lovely post. I’m in the same position as you. A home owner and in his 70’s. And wants for nothing. At least materially. I too couldn’t move now. Too old for change yet feeling so alone in 'our" house. Perhaps as time moves on my feelings will change. I’m in between grief one minute and anger the next.
Love and Light my friend.
Geoff think of spending the whole day fishing, which is obviously something you enjoy doing, as a small step forward. I spend a lot of time walking in the forest or along the coast. I suspect fishing offers you something which i find from walking - isolation, I don’t have to talk to people other than a courteous greeting in reply to theirs. People mean well but in their well meaning I have found it only makes the grief worse to handle.
You say you have a residence not a home anymore. Geoff please hang in there, I felt like this at first but now I want to be here, In every room I have pictures of my dear wife, not those that remind me of bad times during her illness but reminders of happy times spent together, I also have not moved anything of hers from where she left them and it will be a long time, if ever, that I do. I also have the radio on at least 2 rooms all the time, it makes it feel occupied. The hard part is coming home knowing that there will be no greeting, just emptiness, when i go out i leave a radio on and it does seem to help. when i have overcome the homecoming I start to feel safe. to be truthful, I don’t think i have accepted things totally and a part of me still seems to expect my wife to enter a room and give me a greeting. Overall Geoff I am certain that in a short time you will realise you residence is your home, the home you and your beloved wife created together and the fond and important memories will help you.
Best of luck Geoff and hang in there.
One thing I have found since starting to come on here, all of us are suffering the same terrible ordeal in our personal way but there is light at the end of the tunnel, just no indication as to how long the tunnel is
I’m so pleased that you have exactly the same feelings as me about being outside with nature. I put my backpack on, with a snack/water for me and the dogs and just as you do walk the coast, beaches.forests and lovely countryside I have close to hand.
It makes me feel at peace with myself and as you say you can enjoy the best of both worlds. Isolation and the odd chat to fellow walkers/dog owners. They don’t know me or of my grieving and for a moment I can be ‘me’ again. The chat ends and I can go on my way again.
I have photo’s of Brian all around the house. When he was well and fit, walking both here and abroad, on his bike, yes reminders of happy times and not the last months. I have his paintings all over the house. I can remember him painting each and everyone of them. Lovely uplifting country scenes. So very slowly my house is becoming a place where I can get some comfort. My Brian is here.
morning Pat, I can understand what you meant about having different feelings for your home.
we both love our home and I’ll never leave here on my own accord, the one thing I used to go on to Alan about removing was the big Welsh slate fireplace he built in the late 70’s early 80’s. for the past few years I’ve wanted it taken out, he finally agreed in 2017 and we were planning to get builders in to remove it last year. then Alan passed away suddenly as you know, and now I can’t bring myself to have it taken out. it was built by Alan, it was was his pride and joy, the slate wasn’t machined, it came straight fro. my Uncle’s friend’s quarry, solid brick frame too. now it’s a permanent memory, a memory I want to keep alive and close. it was and still is a big part of Alan and it will remain until it’s removed by whoever has our home when I’m no longer here.
I find comfort and solace here once I’ve closed the door to the outside world. yet at the same time, feel very sad when I return from a trip away knowing he’s no longer here in his earthly body even though he’s still with me in spirit.
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
THANK YOU everyone for your thoughts, feelings, and experiences concerning your homes. Perhaps as time moves on my feelings will change. I do hope so. I’m still raw from Anne’s passing and my moods go up and down like a yo yo. If at anytime I’ve seemed tetchy on posts whether mine or others I do apologise.
Love and Light.
Home is where the heart is. My heart is and always will be with him.
Our home remains just that ‘ours’, always will be and I’m lucky I know that I have no reason to have to move.
Geoff my loss was different to yours, in that it was my child, so my issues are not exactly like yours. However, I still felt my home lacked something, gave me nothing, and meant even less. I think the point was that I did not want to be anywhere. I just wanted and still do want my child back.
Now a year on, as realisation that this is it, I have just begun to appreciate my home again as my sanctuary.
I think it is extremely early days yet for you. You enjoyed fishing; that’s great at this stage. Just keep doing whatever feels right at the time.
You have all the time in the world to heal.
Hi there Geoff. Please don’t apologise if you are tetchy, we all know that feeling. Our loss has changed us all. We are all struggling. I have so many emotions running through me in a day I can’t keep up with myself.
Keep fishing and enjoy the peace of the countryside. Just as I do when walking with my dogs. Take your time Geoff and let things happen for you as and when.
Hi Jen, lovely to hear from you. Welsh slate fireplace, wow, I would love something like that. I love rustic. No wonder you want to hang onto it, what a wonderful memory. I have the same feeling with the tiles in the kitchen. A few years ago when I re-decorated the kitchen. I usually do the decorating and always did the tiling but on this occasion Brian asked if he could have a go, he had never tiled. He did a small area and it was so good he carried on all around the kitchen. I have thought about having the kitchen re-done (like you do) but can’t bear the thought of his tiling being destroyed. So the kitchen will stay, it’s perfectly good enough anyway, what was I thinking. Perhaps a new sink and taps !!! as long as the tiles stay.
I too have managed to find comfort in closing my doors. I am also accepting my own company. Although I don’t really feel alone. I have my two dogs for company I chatter away to him and still tell him my news. Haven’t attempted to go away as yet and doubt I will.
I do like your last line, something to remember each day and I will use it when I have a go at my meditation.
Love Pat xxx
Thanks Pat x
I’ve been mean to you a few times because of being oversensitive. I’m so sorry. (( HUGS))) xxx
Love and Light
No need to apologise Geoff, but thanks anyway. Friends again, and loved the hugs, just what I needed.
Geoff 999 you recently replied to me with encouragement, I feel the same as you about my flat , I was considering moving it upset me so much to come home to an empty flat , but the last few weeks I have really seriously thought could I really cope with a move , we both chose this flat together and both loved and were very happy here and certainly have no regrets about down sizing , so it is to be our last home together , so I am hoping the sad thoughts about coming home to an empty house will gradually ease and yours to , remember the lovely times you spent together there in your home , call it home again as it is , the residence will gradually become home again and your anxiety will lessen. Enjoy your fishing so relaxing .
My house is still my home, a place filled with so much love past and present. A house is just a house , a home is in the love and memories that are in your head and heart. I rejoice in the love and effort my hubby and I shared and put into our home, will i stay there forever probably not but the memories that we made in that house will. how many peoples schools/previous homes etc have been pulled down, the memories I be are still very clear in your heads?
I am sure that as time passes you will begin to enjoy your home again, because it is where you have your most precious of memories. I wish you peace. x