6 30am, out of bed and on the loo and crying my eyes out, dont know why this morning is hitting me any harder than any other morning of losing my Richard coming up to nine months ago but it did…The reality once again that i am in this large parkhome alone, he is not in his bedroom which the door i leave always open and is right opposite this office i am typing in…the reality i just want him back with me, i want to see him in his bed as he once was, how can a person go from living in a once three bed-roomed house with a partner and three gorgeous dogs, a lovely small back garden with a field over the back with cows in to this lonely and isolated parkhome 150 miles away only for everyone to die on me, just what did i do…It was my idea to move here ( due to my MS diagnoses ) but i would never have moved here, uprooted them, if i had known what i know now, that in a few months we would lose our dog number three then two plus years later i was to lose my Richard, i would have stayed put, i would have never uprooted either of them from their happy home…i still cant believe he is gone, he has gone, he is here no more, i will never ever see him again…i just cant take in this reality, like everyone on our forum we just want to wake up and find we had been dreaming…Maybe i am stuck inside this home far too much as i have not been outside for weeks, cant get out, my MS and deep uphill and downhill slopes and its down in the valley isolation, i know this entrapment is damaging…but in all honesty would i be coping with Richards loss any differently if i was living anywhere else, he is gone forever from my life, 20 years have ended, i know from many of our lost member’s that it has been 30-40-even 50 years for them…my heart goes out to all who are now feeling lost and incomplete…yes if one thing i have harshly learnt is that this world is a far better off place when we are a couple, a twosome, this back to being a singleton, a one person is now the loneliest and emptiest place on earth…I would happily give back his home, everything inside this home he bought for, he paid for, it was his home, i dont want what is rightfully his, i want him to come back and enjoy his possessions, what is rightfully his, this just does not seem fare that i am benefiting and not he, all i want is him back…
Jackie…