It’s been 4 days since the sudden loss of my mum

My mum tragically lost her life in a car accident on Sunday 20th September. My mum and dad have been together since they were 15 years old, they were best friends. I still can’t process the fact she isn’t with us anymore, I still don’t believe it, it’s like I’m in a dream and everything around me is a blur. I’m 30 years old and I’m going to have to give up my life and move two hours to be back home with my dad because I’m scared of losing him too if he is left alone. When the accident happened my dad saw it all happen as she was following him in her car. I’m worried for my dads mental health after what he witnessed and the fact he saw his best friend and love of his life die before his eyes in the most cruel way. The pain is unbearable, I don’t know what to do or where to turn and the thought of actually having to plan the funeral and sort life matters out is making me feel ill.

Dear @Leanne2, I am so sorry for the sudden and tragic loss of your beloved mother, and the effect this has and will have on the mental health of your father. It is an awful thing to have happened. After the death of my dear dad, trying to arrange the funeral with the funeral director was one of the worst moment of my life, the pain of losing him was bad enough, the stress of arranging this when most funeral directors were refusing to do this as they were too busy or didn’t have the PPE to deal with those who had Covid-19, was just terrible. So I can understand how this could be making you feel ill. Do you have anyone else who can help you? You have too much on your plate, this is way too much for one person to cope with, are there not family or friends who could support you? I hope there are, but if not, please feel free to keep talking here, as we are here to help you in whatever way we might be able to. Please take care.

Hi Leanne,
I am so sorry that you have lost your mum in such tragic circumstances. The shock that you and your dad are experiencing is indescribable and both of you will need help to understand what has happened. It’s so recent that I imagine the overwhelming emotion at the moment is numbness.
There is an organisation called Sudden which helps people who have been bereaved suddenly. Every death is traumatic in its own way but sudden death has unique challenges and for your father in particular who witnessed the accident help will be needed to function on the most basic level. Sudden was originally called Brake and it came into being to help relatives of road traffic accidents. They may be able to help you both. I do hope so.
My husband died without warning last November in front of our 27 year old son so unfortunately I have experience of the trauma of sudden death. It’s devastating.
I can relate to your description of everything being a blur as if in a dream. Going back to be with your dad need not be a permanent solution but I would say you will need to be with each other. Our younger son still lives with me and our elder son stayed for the first week and together we kept each other afloat. Both their employers were very compassionate and gave them time off and a staged return to work. I hope your employer is understanding. As Abdullah has said, this is so much for you to cope with and you need help.
You can contact Sudden on 0800 2600 400 or email
I hope you can find support Leanne here on this site and on a practical level. Thinking of you and your dad.x

Oh, it’s really good to know about the charity Sudden, I wasn’t aware of them, it’s always good to know what is out there so you could direct people who come here to the places where they might get help. Thanks.

Hi Abdullah,
When sudden death happens it’s so disorientating in addition to the devastation of any bereavement. I came across their website when I was googling and I have contacted them myself.
It’s so difficult finding the right support when it requires energy and focus to do so. Both in short supply when bereaved and shocked.
Hope you are ok.

1 Like

You’re correct, it is diffiuclt finding the right organisations. There seems to be no place which has an exhaustive list of all the different organisations and the type of bereavement support they offer. Just came across another organisation which helps people who have the trauma of a sudden death, they’re called Assist Trauma Care. I don’t know how they operate though, they seem to have an office in Rugby, but offer counselling for traumatic bereavement through outreach therapists, I don’t know if treatment with them is available through the NHS or not, they’re a registered charity but it seems from their website you have to pay - unless you have been referred by a doctor? I don’t know, but thought I’d let you know anyway in case they might be of use to you.

A list of organisations for the bereaved would be a good idea and perhaps this is what GP surgeries could help with. By that I mean a comprehensive list and also an offer of help to make the initial contact if necessary.

Thank you for your message. We have a good support group around us. I just feel…I’m trying to find the word to explain it but there isn’t one. Everyone has been so kind, friends of friends and people from afar have helped with bringing food round etc which we appreciate so much.