Its been 58 days

Pauline my beautiful darling its been 58 days since I lost you the days are so long and lonely I’m so lost withoutyou 2 of our neighbours have asked me if I’m eating properly they said I have lost a lot of weight I eat once a day so I can take care of our babies but I have no appetite food doesn’t taste good anymore I get stomach pain as soon as I start to eat my face looks gaunt I’m falling apart baby I just want to be with you I’m so empty withoutyou my heart is broken beyond repair I miss you so very much it hurts you were my world and its not the same without you I’m trying my best for our babies and for you but I have to be honest I really don’t want this life anymore I’m not living I’m just existing waiting to be reunited with you I love you so very much and I’m so in love with you the years we had together weren’t long enough I wanted so many more baby though I suppose some people don’t even get as long as we did they say the deeper the love the deeper the pain it’s all my life is going to be now pain and emptiness I will never get over your loss or ever not think of you I truly am nothing withoutyou but an empty shell I long to hold you kiss you get lost in your eyes see you smile hear you laugh hear your voice I talk to you all the time and to our babies I have suffered loss many times but none have cut and broken me as bad as yours has sometimes it hurts so much I feel like I can’t breathe I’m not afraid to die in fact I’m more afraid to keep on going because I really can’t handle this pain and the empty feeling it never stops you are my every thought every second of every day and night when I go to bed I lay looking at the empty spot where you should be I often cry myself to sleep and when I wake up I don’t want to get up because its the start of another day without you I can’t control my emotions I cried in the supermarket last week while talking about you my darling pauline you really did give me the best years of my life and you loved me so much and you made me a better a woman and for all of these I thankyou thinking of you is easy I do it everyday but living withoutyou is heartache that never goes away until we meet again my one true love the love of my life my one and only soulmate the sooner the better I love you and I always will please my beautiful darling forgive me if I can’t do this anymore I am forever yours xxxxx

Sending you lots of strength @Casey1

I’m sorry to hear about Pauline, it sounds like you were both so close and she meant so much to you. It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed by this. There’s a lot that you’re dealing with, and it’s understandable that sometimes it gets too much.

I want to reassure you that you’re never alone, there’s always someone out there to support you through this.

If you feel like you’re in crisis and need some extra support outside of the community, I would encourage you to reach out to one of these organisations below who can help you stay safe.

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
  • If you have any concerns for your health or safety, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.

If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve this support, keep reaching out :yellow_heart:

Dear Casey, I am crying ! you are a wonderful person I wish I could be with you and put my arms around you to try and ease a little of your pain in knowing that you are not alone with your pain. Your words, thoughts to Pauline and your honesty of your emotions is so real describing the unbearable heart ache, people have said that my husband and I were joined at the hip, I feel your pain and I resonate with every thing you have said to Pauline. I have isolated my self from the out side world, sorry Casey but I dont care anymore, please dont allow your self for this to happen, you will find strength for Pauline and both your babies in this journey. I wish I could give some little essence of support, but I am sorry Casey I am lost in this journey I am struggling. You and I know you will find support from here, you are in my thoughts, remember you give Pauline everything, a loving life.

@Aife thankyou I’m not sure if I want to reach out anymore I do get support on here though but I can’t help how I feel

@jack10 thankyou I’m sorry the post made you cry I am so deeply sorry for your loss I am already isolated for years all we had was eachother and our babies the only contact I have is with people on here I’m not going to allow myself to love anymore apart from my babies if I don’t care I can’t get hurt I didn’t give pauline enough I made her unhappy at times and let her down and for that I will never forgive myself my mental health issues control my life and have done for years I love her so deeply and completely I hope she knows that I’m sorry you are struggling and lost thats exactly how I feel if I didn’t have our pets I would just give up right now I’m trying to decide whether to rehome them and do that anyway its so hard and painfull and lonely paulines brother once said I wasn’t good enough for her people have said that about me all my life since losing her I think he was right I’m not good enough she deserved so much better than me yet she loved me I will always love her and I don’t want to let her down or dishonour her memory but I’m not strong enough without her she gave me strength she made me believe in myself she really was my angel

I’m so sorry that you are struggling Casey. I agree with what you are saying. It is so, so hard without them isn’t it? I keep thinking he will walk in so I can tell him what’s been happening and then everything can be back to how it was. Then I think about how can life be anything with him not here. I can get through a day, but then there’s another to get through and another. Let’s face it, we want more than a life of ‘getting through’ each day. Keep on going - we have to. Sending hugs

Casey, you are a beautiful person,

I am crying because I so connect with your emotions and feelings, I am struggling because I could have made my husband live happier and a lot of what I am feeling is guilt, my memories are full of guilt, we made bad decisions in our life but I blamed him, I carried on but at times I brought them up, More when I was vulnerable when I felt insecure, I could not help my self it was what I was feeling at the time. There were times, I felt very depressed, especially when I knew I was losing him, he was my rock, I should have been his rock, but my body did not see that, my brain went over time, I did not cope, During my husband illness I was more of a nurse than a wife, I am a trained nurse, that has gone by the side I will never nurse again. I should have been a wife loving him, not thinking too much about medication, bothering him with vital signs whether he was deteriorating, I should have been more loving, I think I was grieving while he was alive, how horrible was that for him,

We had and I do have financial problems, I have lost my husband, I was the one in our relationship to worry and I know I did his head in.

When he was dying, I said I have no future in response he said I know, he was so right, Casey I am pouring my heart out.

@Jules4 thanks jules what a journey it just seems to hurt more with each passing day I know everyone here understands that’s why I can say exactly how I’m feeling I can’t do that with other friends not on here its like they don’t want to hear what I’m saying and just say I don’t know what to say so I feel like I can’t even talk to them I can feel myself closing of from them sending you hugs my thoughts are with you

@jack10 thankyou Jack please don’t torture yourself with guilt you are suffering enough with your loss and I can feel your pain we all say and do things in the heat of the moment or when we are vulnerable its human nature no relationship is perfect we all have our ups and downs we need not to just focus on what we might have done wrong but also what we did right and the love we had and shared with our loved ones I’m sure your husband knew you loved him and I’m sure you did the best you could for him I can’t imagine how hard it was for you knowing you were losing him my heart bleeds for you I’m sorry you have financial problems like you don’t have enough to deal with I’m not even sure if I can afford to keep our 3 pets longterm you are a wonderful person and strong to keep going with what we are all going through takes strength and to love and care for someone you know you are losing takes remarkable strength and shows how deeply in love you were and always will be and as for no future I think its something we all feel losing our soulmates in your situation knowing your losing them I would have felt the same I’m often in and out of here and you are welcome to message me anytime thankyou for sharing please be kind to yourself you are in my thoughts sending you hugs

Casey, thank you for your kind thoughts, and support.
You are in my thoughts and sending you hugs, thank you !

1 Like