Hi all,
I lost the love of my life 20months ago. We were married for 50yrs. Today a fellow bereaved neighbour took me out in his car to a garden centre. As we walked in I suddenly felt out of sync. My Anne loved garden centres but she wasn’t with me and I felt so lonely and wasn’t inspired to buy anything, just a few bags of compost to put in tubs to grow tomatoes. Ive already grassed over the veg patch in which I grew my darlings vegetables. I’m no longer interested in it anymore. So being driving home along a familiar route home Anne and I had driven many times in the past it hit me like a brick in the face. My sweetheart wouldn’t be home to greet me. I had gone back in time then thrust into the present with all its hurt and loneliness. So when I got home I drank. The only way I can get rid of 90% of my grief and loneliness is when I’m intoxicated. I just hate life being cold stone sober. No I’m not a drunkard. Neither am I an alcoholic. I just need alcohol to get me through this life that I now find a burden to experience. Before Anne passed I was as fit as a butchers dog. I ran marathons. I cycled. And for 19yrs practiced an ancient Chinese meditation technique called Zhan Zhuang plus tai chi. Once my darling passed I dropped everything. Just no interest. No inspiration. Sober I’m a zombie doing what has to be done. Its a survival instinct. Intoxicated; some kind of energy enters me and the pain goes away. Its only then do I come alive again. Alive but still no enthusiasm for anything very much. Just a kind of happier survival mood, Bottom line is I want to die. Im 75yrs and I feel Im entitled to be given this gift. But if this shit life goes on for much longer I’ll deal with it my own way. And NO! I don’t need counselling or the Samaritans. I know my own mind.
Love you all,
Geoff
You’ve been really brave to reach out for support here @James71. It’s not easy to do and I want you to know that we’re all here for you. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed. I’m hearing that you’re feeling a lot of pain and want things to end. I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling. There’s lots of caring people out there who can help you through this.
I’ve listed below a few options for you anytime you need someone to talk to. You mentioned that you’re not keen on Samaritans or counselling services so I’ve listed below a few other options that you may like to look into:
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- Stay Alive App - is an app that offers useful information to help you stay safe. It’s available on Android, Apple and Desktop.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other
support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently
offering face-to-face appointments but will usually be offering telephone or online
alternatives.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency
appointment immediately.
You deserve this support, keeping taking this day by day and remember you’re not alone 
Hello Geoff
I lost my husband December 5th
The love off my life my Andy was my life
I drink most nights and quiet a lot
But I don’t care I just hope I don’t wake up
Take care xx
@Debbie55 I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I can hear how much pain you’re feeling after loosing him. It sounds like he was the love of your life and it can be so hard loosing those were closest to. You’re not alone in what you’re going through, we’re always going to be here to help you through this. Keep holding onto hope because this will feel easier with time and the right support.
If you are struggling often with these thoughts about not wanting to wake up, please do reach out for more support outside of the community. There’s lots of great organisations who offer specialist support to help people through these thoughts. I listed a few above in my reply to James71 and I’ll list them below if you need them too
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Stay Alive App - is an app that offers useful information to help you stay safe. It’s available on Android, Apple and Desktop.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
- If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency
appointment immediately.