It's nearly 3 yrs, and I still feel I'm in a waiting room

My best friend, my lover and my husband died almost 3 yrs ago.
I take 3 prozac every day.
My brother (also my best friend) died 5 months after my husband
Then the pandemic hit two months later.
Both my adult daughters are on antidepressants, and none of us are thriving.
We feel lost. We miss him, we miss who we each were when he was here.
I don’t trust the health service anymore.
I don’t feel much, or care much I just feel there is nothing to be happy about.
Life drags on.
People seem to treat me as though I mentally impaired now. As though I need to be encouraged, coerced or downright bullied into “getting out of the house” or pursuing a hobby.
They don’t understand that there’s nothing here for me anymore.I don’t have grandchildren. Christmas used to be my favourite time of year, now I dread it.
I haven’t done anything with his ashes, they sit in their tube in a cabinet waiting for me to make a decision.
I don’t care about birthdays or anniversaries anymore. My daughters try, but I feel they are wasting their time with me. I’m 60.

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Hello @Katherine,
I am so glad you posted again- it is good to hear from you. Firstly- you have survived 3 really tough years- so I reckon that makes you a super strong woman. You are doing well. I only lost my husband in January so am bumbling, stumbling, limping along here. I am glad to have people like you on here to talk to. It is 04:20 and I can’t sleep, so chatting with you on here helps. Thank you for coming on. That you are still going gives me cause for hope. I know you are struggling there and life can feel pointless sometimes, but Katherine, you are loved. Your Sue Ryder family is here and always will be. Keep in touch, we value your voice and your company. I am hoping for better days, too and am trying to do and be all the things my beloved T would want. I miss him as you miss your husband. I lost my brother, too, back in 2018, so we have a lot in common. I am so glad to have met you, Katherine. Take care today and if you can, try to do at least one kind thing for yourself. I am using moisturiser again- my skin got so dry and I didn’t bother for ages when T was ill. I started again and it is a nice thing, a simple thing, just for me. It is the little things that can start to help us heal, I think. Loads of love, my friend.

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Hello Katherine,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I wanted to welcome you back to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. It sounds like you have a lot going on and it must be so hard. As you will know, many members of this community will have experienced the death of a loved one, so they will understand some of what you are dealing with.

You may also find the information pages on our website helpful - if you have a spare few minutes, please do take a look: https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/bereavement-information.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please do keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Susannah

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Katherine although it’s 3 long years I bet it feels like yesterday to you. Firstly well done for managing to cope for 3 years I’m relatively new compared to your journey my husband died last August and I’m really struggling with everyday life. I think we are all feeling like we are in a waiting room waiting for the day we can be reunited with our loved ones. Glad you have your family round you we didn’t have children . Hope they give you great comfort . I’m 60 and feel my life is over now. I’m not in best of health and docs put me on antidepressants and I have counselling every week either are helping I’m past help the only person that can help me as gone.

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I wonder what life is about sometimes if we all have to go through this pain. It is a certainty that we will all have to cope with death . I often wonder what life is all about and why it is so short. Why do we have to get these awful diseases and experience the hurt of losing our loved ones. The horrible thing is that I know there are people enjoying life and happily muddling along and tomorrow they will feel like us. It’s so awful to know how much pain they will suffer. We can only hope that they may make there way to this forum and find people that have empathy and can understand and help like it has helped me. Sending hugs x

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Hello Katherine

I’m sorry you have needed to return to this site as your grief is still so palpable. My heart goes out to you.

I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how long was it before you could come to terms with what happened. Perhaps you never have……
My husband of nearly 40 years, Ian, passed away suddenly nearly 43 weeks ago and yet, I just can’t accept what happened. I keep thinking ( hoping) it’s all a nightmare and that one day I will wake up and our life will be back to normal.
I can see no future except that of sadness, loneliness and heartbreak. I also get frustrated when people keep giving me ‘advice’.
I don’t want to be here but I know how devastated my son and daughter would be if I did anything about it. They live far away and one is in a different country. so I don’t see them that often. Friends are thin on the ground so most of my time is spent on my own.
Still, it doesn’t matter how busy I am or not, I still have to return to a silent house.
Ian’s ashes and all his belongings are still here with me and I just can’t imagine ever being able to let them go.

I keep asking why is life so cruel and unfair, but the answer is, it just is…….

Take care of yourself,

Julie x

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On Katherine,
Your message has touched me so deeply.I lost my partner of 39years in January this year.His death was unexpected and due to medical negligence.Just 2 years previously my Dad died and the year before that my only Uncle.Malcolm was the youngest by more than 2 decades.
We didn’t have children due to me having Cancer which left me infertile.
I only have three living relatives and a few good well meaning friends.I also feel “bullied” into getting out of the house or taking up a hobby.
I’m 64 and the thought of being without Malcolm for many years is so hard to bear.
I’m in Antidepressant medication but I have no motivation and no joy in my life without Malcolm.
Like you I feel as though I’m in a waiting room and I don’t feel I have much to live for.I’m totally wretched and broken…in too of it all have quite serious physical health conditions.x

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Christmas morning 2018 9 a.m. my world ended my beloved husband passed away .and then 30 minutes later a text message to say that my oldest friend had also passed away an hour earlier double whammy and my already shattered heart splintered even more . They had both had cancer and had been bolstering each other along. I think they waited so they could go together.they were only 57 and 55.today my heart is still sore and I can barely keep my head above the tidal waves of grief that drag at your heels and try to pull you under. Lenny had such a zest for life and I know he would not want me to feel like this but how do you go on without your soulmate.

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I think I came to terms with him never coming back and this being my new horrible normal after about two years.
There are still days when I long to be held or hugged, when my mask slips and I have to let the grief show, but they are less often now.
I don’t think I will ever get over losing Gary, because like you, I’m broken, and there really is nothing that can fill the void.
I can be alone now, and sometimes I really enjoy that alone time, because it’s just me, my thoughts and if I want to I can’t talk to myself or to him without anyone thinking I’m potty for doing it.
I still have all his clothes his shoes, his stuff. I can’t imagine ever getting rid of it. I must declutter though.
I completely get where you are coming from. No one who hasn’t experience this dreadful loss can really understand. Some weeks I just don’t bother to get dressed or do anything, I give myself the gift of time to sleep, and just be. Im only now realising I can watch something on TV, just because I want to, at anytime of the day or night.
If I want to sleep all day I can, and I do. Grief is exhausting, but sometimes I do smile a genuine spontaneous smile or laugh. You do begin to learn to live with the loneliness, but you have to keep an eye on yourself too, so you don’t spiral.
I have a couple of close friends, one lost her husband and I feel completely at ease with her, the other I’m careful not to see her if I’m down, as she’s a fixer and tries to fix me. She doesn’t understand (how could she) that I can’t be fixed now, she finds it impossible to just let me be miserable, and yet in that misery is a comfort, a release, but also a reassurance that he was mine once, I did have a great marriage, and it’s natural to miss him, because I loved and still do love him.
I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling that I don’t want to stop feeling the loss, as that would be like wiping him out of my memory and my life.

I send you hugs, and the knowledge that we are all here, so very many of us, all feeling the same and longing to be with them again xxx

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It’s so hard even after what others would see as a long time & that makes it harder because you feel you have to keep it in. I’ve gone through times where I think, ok I’ve got this to hiding at home for days.
I’m still full of anger at his treatment, from being advised a blood transfusion might help his anaemia but wasn’t urgent, to him dying 5 days later.
I wake up with that every morning feeling guilty myself as I think I should have pushed more but I’m not a doctor. I know it’s not my fault but that’s the trauma we are left with.
Writing & sharing has helped & that was a great step for me, so be proud of yourself in sharing your feelings. Don’t be too hard on yourself you’re doing the best you can.
Take care :heart:X

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Hi Katherine,
I read your post, you have my deepest sympathy.
I too lost my husband almost three years ago when I was 56. It was sudden and devastating. . My mother took ill the day after he died and passed away five weeks later. I lost the rest of my husbands family, his younger brother and mother to COVID in April 2020.

The one thing that I have found that helps is talking about it and sharing what you are going through with others who have some understanding of your experience. Surprisingly I find that talking about your loss and your fears for the future helps to cope with it.

I shared everything in my life with my husband. We were married young and did everything in our lives together. We had worked all our lives and we’re looking forward to a time when we could travel and do all the things we had been planning for so long. I feel like my future died with him, I miss him constantly and immeasurably and without him I am lost and alone. I fear growing old without him by my side.

After he died I tried to get out and join clubs, put on a brave face and make the best of what I had. I think now I tried to do too much too soon, everything I did was empty without him. What I have decided to do now is to just step back for a while, stop trying too hard to make a new life and just give myself time to grieve …I don’t know if it will help but all I can do is try.

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Gosh Sue, to lose your husband, your mother and other family members in such a short time must have been devastating for you . I am so sorry.

I will have lost Ian 45 weeks this Friday, only seven weeks after his cancer diagnosis which came as a complete shock. He seemed fit and healthy and yet all that time, the cancer was taking his life from him.

Like you, we did everything together and I am lost without him. The future is a scary place and the present, just something to exist in.

Your final paragraph makes so much sense and that is also what I have decided to do. I’m giving myself time to grieve, time to try and accept what has happened and time to just get through each day as it happens.

Take care of yourself and just give yourself time as well,

Julie x

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