It's not that I feel lonely ... more just alone

It’s not that I feel lonely … more just alone. I am surrounded by loving family and brilliant friends but I still feel alone.
It’s 9 weeks since my beautiful husband lost his battle with cancer and it’s getting worse not easier. I thought I was coping well but just can’t stop crying recently.
Our daughters (aged 21 & 23) and I have had one hell of a week - they were victims in a court case where the verdict went against us and it’s made me need him so much. And, this extremely resilient woman finally feels broken. I miss him so much. I feel I put to much onto our 14 yr old sons shoulders, it’s only us 2 at home now and he sees me so upset. I feel I am a burden to everyone and that by now they don’t want me to be more upset and should be getting better. I coped so well up to now. I know they probably don’t think that way yet I feel that way, like when they see my name come up on their phone they debate answering me but feel they should out of pity. Bloody hell … I sound so bitter, it’s not really who I am. I know it’s my own perception and the one person I knew I could bore with my imperfections and crazy thoughts is not here. That’s why I feel alone but not lonely. I miss him so much x

Hello
I can only say how sorry I am.you’ve had the most awful time and so much to cope with. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
i understand what you mean.Like you I don’t feel lonely but so completely alone since i lost my partner. He was the only one who really understood me and kept my feet on the ground when it all went wrong.
I hope life gets a little easier for you take care of yourself. Jx

Hi, do you have a name? my name is Carole. I would just like to say how sorry I am for the loss of your husband. I know how hard this is as I lost my husband twelve weeks ago. It’s a pain you cannot explain to anyone who has not gone through this. How painful this must be for all of you but particularly your 14 yr old son.
I was with my amazing husband for thirty years but he became seriously unwell three years ago and what he endured in those three years no human being should ever have to suffer the way he did. I nursed him and cared for him alone as I did not wish anyone else involved. I know what you mean when you say you feel a burden, as I feel exactly the same way. I try to be cheerful in front of family members, I don’t talk about Ian with them as I don’t think they want to listen. I have made a sort of shrine in my living room with photo’s of Ian and fairy lights. This helps me enormously. I have photos everywhere. Please know that through this wonderful website that there are people like myself who care about others who are suffering this awful pain of loss and do feel for you because I know. I too am in the same place.

I hope your pain eases but it will take time. Take care of yourself. Carole. xx

Hi Carole

I am Debbie. My husband is Tracy. Thank you for your reply. Our situations seem very similar. Tracy was in poor health for about the last 5 years although TBH fought very bravely and to an outsider wouldn’t have appeared poorly until the last few months where he deteriorated so quickly. I too have a sort of shrine to him - but it’s in the back room which is where he passed away. I nursed him at home - that was his wish.
It hurts so much and you’re right no-one can really know how it feels unless they have been there xxx

Hi Carole,

I am deeply sorry to hear of your husband’s death.

Please try to be kind to yourself. From reading your post it seems to me that you think you should be getting on with things, yet his death was only 9 weeks ago. That is no time at all.

Believe me, you ARE coping! Who cares if you spend all day crying? Your world has been turned upside down. Crying is an appropriate response to the death of the love of your life. When I lost my Dad I spent the first few months feeling numb, I barely cried, and as time went on I cried more and more. It could be that the shock is beginning to wear off and the reality is sinking in. Eight months on and I still feel in disbelief.

It’s okay for your son to see you upset. It is healthy to express grief and you expressing your feelings is to be encouraged. Please don’t pile shame onto yourself for this.

It seems to me you are projecting how you feel about yourself onto others. You don’t know what they are thinking, and I seriously doubt they see their beloved Mother / friend as a burden.

Take care of yourself. Sending lots of love xxx

Gosh, I am really sorry, that was supposed to be directed at Debbie, not Carole. Please accept my apologies, I don’t know how to edit the post.

Thank you Daffodil. I gathered it was for me. Your kind words were very welcomed. As everyone’s are. xxx

Thank you xx

Hi Debbie

I wanted to say how sad I am for you that you have had this terrible time with the loss of your husband. My situation is different from yours in that I came to this site following the loss of my Mum.

I am sure your daughters do not in any way feel you are a burden. They see their Mum grieving the loss of their lovely Dad and I am sure want to help you in any way they can. Giving you support in some ways probably is helping them with the horrible experience of having to go through a court case. Your son too is going through an awful time, losing a parent so young is so sad.

We lost my Dad over 20 years ago when I was in my 30s. Mum was so strong and wonderful, she hid her grief mostly from my sister and I and got us through a terrible time. I don’t think I really appreciated at the time how hard it must have been for her. My Mum, sister and I became much closer as a family unit after losing Dad. We supported each other in any way we could when needed and I feel it helped us all to get through that time. Mum I remember told me some time later that she knew her girls had become adults as we were able to help her deal with all the things that had to be done.

What I am trying to say but probably not too well is that I am sure your children don’t mind you ringing them, wanting to talk, etc. It is good to share memories, have the support of family and just be there for each other. Being alone rather than lonely is so true of how we all feel at thiese times.

I really hope things get better for you, your daughters and son very soon.

Mel
Xx

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