It's so hard

I lost my Mum oct 2015 feels like yesterday. I go through that final
Day over and over again. I never thought I would be without her she was my rock and I miss her everyday. I raced through the funeral, selling her house, getting her ashes placed with my dad and that took care of the first year without her. The the nightmare started again as I had nothing else to do other than face up the the fact that she had gone. I have always tried to hide my tears from my husband and daughter so now after this 20 months I feel so sad and overwhelmed but feel that other people around me wouldn’t understand if I showed these feelings as they must feel that by now I am starting to feel better… it’s my own fault for keeping everything to myself and battling on (its the way I am) but I don’t know how much longer I can do it as I feel like I’m getting deeper and deeper into this black hole. I’d like to go for counselling but know I would have to pay and I simply don’t have the money. Just found this page and thought maybe it would help to discuss how I’m feeling.