It's the first time

Today my lovely husband would have celabrated his seventy second birthday it is the first time 54 years that I want be able to say happy birthday with a kiss he passed away in April on a Sunday weekends are so hard and family are busy so l usually spend them on my own but today is worse I have been awake just thinking about today so anxiety has returned don’t know its still hard to keep remembering he has left me and never coming home just one more birthday kiss that’s all I want to be able to give him happy birthday my darling
Thank you all on this forum it is so helpful
Marian Victoria x

Anniversaries can be so painful. My wife’s birthday was in may and I lost her last November. Painful is not the right word.
beig alonw at this time is also not helpful. But even then it doesn’t stop the grief.

Message has posted before I had time to finish.

I could say all the usual things that everyone else says who don’t understand. But in the end it comes down to seeing it out as best we can.
I send my love and a hug at this most difficult time.

Birthday remembering so hard, my hubby passed away in April too, my daughter bless her, bought me chocolate on my hubbies birthday to comfort me she said. Yes families are so busy at the weekends, that’s when I feel the loneliness kicks in, I still haven’t got my head round that he’s not here, gone forever, wake up thinking of him, althrough the day and at night he’s constantly in my head. It’s 4 months now what have I been doing, time is so foggy. I cry for all the love I’ve lost, past memories we shared, it’s so draining all this crying. I’ve got a wonderful picture of my hubby, and the look he’s giving me is truly one of love. He’s looking straight at me, I know I was loved, but it’s bloody hard being on your own with only your memories. Yes I miss the kisses too, he always insisted I kissed him even if I was only going shopping. Hugs x

Sending love and hugs to you Marian on this special day. Have a lovely glass of wine and toast your lovely husband, think of all the memories you have with him and your family, he will be with you all the time. xxxx Carol xxxx

Thank so much Carol I’m going to try to go to the crematorium with my red roses and my love doing it for him
Your support is so comforting thank you
Marian Victoria xx

Hi Marian I know this will sound strange but when you have been to the crematorium you will feel better I know I would because you will feel that you are doing something for him especially on this special day. Of course you will be upset but just think the other way around what would he say and do, he will be very proud of you and how you are coping. Love to you.xxx Carol xxxx

I have not had a birthday yet - both our birthdays were within four days of each other. For those four days I was four years older than him - and to say the jokes about the age difference came thick and fast were an understatement - and even after 40 years they continued. Next year will be the first time I will celebrate alone and cannot think about that or what we will do at Christmas. I guess I will face that when we get there.

I too have two lovely children but they are busy at weekends. I have gone back to work to two full days a week and will gradually increase them back up to four days - but evenings too are hard and especially coming home to an empty house.

I have some of those photos - one where Gary is looking straight at me. Originally I could not look at it - it was too painful. Now I sit in his music room talking to him through it. Another was taken when we married - I am looking down and he is looking at me and the look of love is so evident on his face - I cherish it. It was only taken four years ago -when I finally agreed to marry him - I had not wanted to change the very special relationship we had. And the other photo I love is one my daughter took on a cruise - he is pulling one of his silly faces and I am roaring with laughter -and that one just summed our relationship up - he made me laugh from day one. It is so hard isn’t it. I too cry for the love lost, the memories and the future without him.

Sometimes the words that people use on here reflect how we feel - it makes us realise that others are the same , that we are not alone - that others loved as deeply and completely and cannot come to terms that they have gone forever. I sometimes think he is just out somewhere and will be back soon … or is in another part of the house. Maybe he is - I just cannot see him.

Sorry it started as a quick reply and ended as a ramble.

Take care all.

Trisha xxx

I have just returned home from the crematorium took lovely red roses and silly as it sounds took birthday card as well and yes as you said very up setting but so glad I have done it it was for him on his special day and I do hope he will be proud of me thank you for your very wise words and support love marian xxx

I am so glad for you Marian, it is so not silly about the card. We have a seat for

Sorry Marian don"t know what went wrong then but as I was saying we have a seat for Ron very near us in the local bowling green so we all put flowers and of course his birthday and Christmas we put cards so it is not silly. We have so many of the bowlers say how wonderful it is to see everything on the seat and of course they sit on it so my Ron would be so pleased that he is remembered like that. Don"t forget to toast your lovely husband today. xxx Carol. xxxx

Thank you I will xx

Hi Trisha
What you have said I am feeling just the same way I lost my husband this March I hope we can chat as I think knowing someone else is feeling the same way is a comfort keep strong Jane

Dear Jane

I am very happy to chat anytime you like. If a proper telephone chat would help - private message me and I would be happy to give you my number.

I think we are all feeling the same way on this forum - we are merely functioning at the moment - just filling the time - joy is a rare commodity. I can laugh again - and take pleasure in spending time with my daughter and son and chatting to friends - but at the end I just want to tell Gary - my first thought is always to tell him - or I experience a brief feeling, that goes instantly, that I will tell him when I get home. The empty space on the sofa - in the kitchen, in the garden - is horrible and I try to envisage him there. Sometimes it works and I draw comfort - but the ache of missing him does not really diminish. Out with my daughter yesterday - I just burst into tears. I don’t know why - I don’t even think there was a particular trigger. There is so much pain on here - I never imagined until I joined. How little I knew of grief - I realise that now. How I did not really think what losing your partner meant until I lost mine.

Please keep in touch. The forum and everyone on here have helped me so much.

Take care

Trisha xx

Hi Trisha. Once again thank you for the post. I agree totally. Before we experienced grief it was always someone else that had it. I think when we are younger we block out the thought that one day we or a loved one will die.
There is no preparation for it. It’s virtually a taboo subject in normal conversation. “Oh, don’t be so morbid” is the usual response. Morbid? But it’s as much part of life as is any other event. I think the problem is that the society in which we live does not want to know, and every effort is made to keep us going even though it may be time to go.
It’s almost as if it’s ‘them and us’. The ones who are bereaved and those who are not. There should not be such a division. The lack of understanding emphasises this. How many unfortunate remarks have we all encountered, and some that hurt?
So many will tell you about their aches and pains and the awful operation they had, but when the subject of death comes up they clam up. I suppose we all did. I did!!
Everything seems to die. Seems to! But you can’t lose life, and nothing actually dies but returns to it’s source from which we all came and to which we will return. This brief interval called life is an interlude.
I don’t expect everyone to go along with that. It’s a very personal view and has little to do with religion. But it helps to sustain some sort of balance in ones’s life.
Life is love, or should be. If we don’t love one another then what hope has civilisation? Love is not about pity or sympathy but understanding. Empathy!
Thank God we all understand each other here. It’s why this site is so comforting, to know we are not alone. Blessings to all.

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I have just been reading these post again and i still find comfort we all share the same sense of loss and fear for the future without our loved ones. During the day as I try to fill my time my mind is telling me that I am the only one this has happened to and everyone else is happy and living their lives I look around and all l see is couples happy couples . Its been 4 months since my darling Micheal left me and l
each day l try to be thankful for all the lovely memories i have and my lovely family. I then read all the lovely posts and it makes me feel that I am not alone and I have friends that understand I would like to send all my love and support to everyone I have had so much sent to me that even though I don’t feel very strong right now I send all I have to you and hope we all find that little bit comfort very soon

Love Marian Victoria xxx

Hello Marian You sound such a caring lady. Your story of your beloved Michael and your lovely family are so like mine. I can"t begin to tell you how this site had helped me to think that I am not alone. Just reading all the messages help and keeping in touch Marian does help. I hope you have been O.K. with your family away at the time. Also I hope you sent your love and hugs to your lovely Michael on his birthday and always of course. xxx Carol. xxxx

Trisha your words are so comforting. Reading your posts is a mirror on my world. My Ed was told on his birthday he had weeks left to live but he only survived one week exactly. I too am dreading Christmas and New Year ( I am a Scottish so it is usually quite a social time !) but I’m hoping I will be stronger by then. My two sons have been really kind and very good at keeping a close eye on me even though live far away. I just want my Ed. I cannot believe I will never hear him say my name again or hug me tight when I am anxious or worried about stupid stuff. I too feel that coming on here and reading how we all feel and being able to say things that we cannot say to our friends and families is such a help. So thank you everyone for including me and being an amazing comfort.
Liz xx

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