Its the little things...

Losing a partner
#1

One doesn’t think of the little things, his favourite items, his dinner plate-cereal dish-small plastic lidded food container that is hidden behind the kitchen cupboard door, or the box of his favourite breakfast cereal still sitting there waiting for him to come and get it, only it will be sitting there forever waiting if one leaves it there…I am picturing him coming into the kitchen and preparing his cereal bowl and slicing his fresh strawberries…his daily routine of soup, salad one day, hot meal the next, followed by fresh fruit cut up on a late…all these were an every day regular occurrence that I will never see anymore…These are just some that start me off crying again…I just want him back so I can see him doing these again…So silly really but I took this all for granted, yet now I would give anything to see him walk into that kitchen in the morning like he always did…

Jackie…

It's the little things
#2

Those Oh so simple memories. We never dreamt that they would be the things that would put our life in turmoil.
Breakfast was a sore point in our house because I don’t eat it, only small amount of fruit/seeds or a smoothie. Brian liked a more substantial breakfast and if he cooked I couldn’t stomach the smell first thing in the morning, so I took the dogs out and he was usually all finished and washed up when I got back. What I would give to smell him cooking now. Of course we took these things for granted we never thought we would lose them.
Take care

#3

My husband had Shredded Wheat every day for his breakfast. I left an unopened box in the food cupboard for a year after he passed away and then threw it out because it was out of date. Well I couldn’t get it off my mind and I hated the empty space on the shelf so I bought a new box of Shredded Wheat and there it sits and there it will always sit because it’s a little bit of David…

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#4

I do smile at the things you write, Kate. You remind me of me so much. I do these things too. I shop in the supermarket (that was hubbies job) and I find myself buying the things he always bought. The same brands etc etc. I don’t even consider what I like or dislike, I just continue to bring home the same groceries he always brought home. I laugh because I also find myself putting things in all the same places he put them, I do things the particular way he did them. I never realised how much notice I took of his actions at the time, but obviously I did. I do laugh at myself quite often. I bring things home and I tell him, I got us this today… or, I’ve sorted this or that out for us. Everything is pretty much as it always was within our home and I have no desire whatsoever to change a thing. I moved a couple of photos in frames the other day and I found myself telling him the reason why…Yes, I laugh at me a lot. I think I’m probably a bit strange these days, loopy even, but you know what…I really don’t care.

Thank you for making me smile again and letting me realise it’s ok for me to be crazy…like Kate :slight_smile: xxx

#5

Kate…
…my Richard who I lost just 5 weeks ago always ate Weetabix with fresh strawberries, nothing else for breakfast, so there the container sits just waiting for him to come and get it…I wont nor cant eat it, it wouldn’t seem right so how long it will sit there I dont know…but its there waiting for him minus the fresh strawberries…Oh how I wish he was here, I am missing him so much…

Jackie…

#6

My Brian would just not eat weetabix, not a lover of anything like this, yet the last weeks of his life he suddenly wanted to eat them and I was forever running to the supermarket to get whatever he fancied. I didn’t care as long as he was happy. The boxes are still in the cupboard. He wanted them and they will stay there for him.
In the last ten years he always did the washing up at night and was so fussy about it. Now when I’m washing up I feel as if he’s looking over my shoulder and telling me how it should be done. Am I doing it properly and to his liking. Who would have thought that these simple things would break a heart. Pat xx

#7

Alan always had his ‘Kelloggs’ he never called them Corn Flakes, even when we were abroad he still called them ‘Kelloggs’ wouldn’t eat any other cereal.

Jen☆

#8

Oh no Jackie, never say silly. Nothing in this trauma is silly. We all deal with it differently, and if you do the things you do because it may bring just a little comfort, then do them. I do lots of things that many may consider silly. So what! Yes, it’s the actual presence that’s missing. All the little things that add up to a life together. Things we may have taken for granted suddenly come back to us, and it hurts. But we have to go on and, through our experiences at that awful time, reach out and help others who may be in a worse state than us. Take it easy and Bless you.

#9

Ha, you make me smile too cw13, even laugh out loud sometimes. I think we probably are a little bit bonkers but who cares. Talking about shopping, I always did the main shop but my husband was always popping into the supermarket to buy bits and pieces. He usually came back with a bag full of orange juice, grapefruit, bananas and always donuts - all for him! But he did bring the occasional bunch of flowers for me…xx

#10

Dear Jackie, I am so sorry you find yourself in need of this site. As Pattidot as often said “Welcome to the club that nobody wants to be in!” I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me. It will be 2 years next month since my husband passed away suddenly. No illness, a fit and healthy man. To say it’s a life changing experience would be an understatement. It’s hell on earth but we are still here on this earth so we have to go on. Almost 2 years down the line and I think I can say that I’m functioning ‘normally’ but that’s only because I function with my husband being involved in everything I do. He’s with me all the time, I carry him around on my shoulder and that’s the only way I can do this grief thing. He messes with my head but I can laugh, sing and dance again. I have found my own way, my own strategies to cope but always realising and accepting that I carry this grief forever. There are still moments of utter disbelief. There are still moments of utter despair. That’s ok. I still have tearful moments and that’s ok too. It’s during these times that I look at his photo and remind myself that the wonderful, handsome man staring back at me was mine, he still is mine and he will always be mine. He chose me to spend his life with. How lucky does that make me? Right at this moment my heart is almost bursting with love for him.
You will find your own way too Jackie but it’s too soon for you yet. You will find that your love and bond with your man will continue to grow. The power of love is immense and can never die. When I’m feeling overwhelmingly sad I try to remember the following:

‘Be still,
Close your eyes,
Breathe…
Listen for my footfall in your heart,
I am not gone but merely walk within you.’

I send you love and strength to carry on Jackie xx

#11

Oh, I meant to say also Jackie that you leave his breakfast container right where it is for as long as you need - if it gives a little comfort, as Jonathan says, just do it.
And Pattidot, you make sure you do that washing up properly because your man is watching over your shoulder.
Jen, I always eat Bran flakes for breakfast but I’ll always think of them as Kelloggs now…
Thanks for making me smile everyone. Love to all xx

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#12

Kate…
…thank you, I shall print and save this…I am still having a daily breakdown of crying and talking to Richard and telling him I know he is here with me even though I have not as yet had any sign…

“Be still,
Close your eyes,
Breathe…
Listen for my footfall in your heart,
I am not gone but merely walk within you.”

#13

My Richard always brought home from his Friday trip from the supermarket a bunch of flowers to put into our vase…I so took this for granted and rarely complimented on them, now I would give anything for him to be doing this, he simply loved flowers…

#14

I have done the washing up and I hope properly. When I met Brian he had lived on his own for some years and was quite self sufficient. When I cooked he would keep asking me if I’d done this or that. I constantly had to inform him that I had been married before and raised two children and could cook a meal and wash up. We then had to make an agreement that we never worked in the kitchen together.
Brian loved flowers and I take a bunch to the cemetery from his allotment every week. He said he wanted a plot full of flowers before he died and there are so many already. Survived the winter and going so well. So much colour, unbelievable.
Pat xxx

#15

Pat-All
…Yes my Richard also loved flowers but his ashes will be sent back home by his sister ( Bedfordshire ) to his family crematorium where we were- I am at present living in Dorset so I wont even be able to go and visit him unless I manage to move back home when I get this solicitor business over with…Richards favourite flower was the Fuchsia plants…Every year he would pot up several garden containers and hanging flower baskets, I have glorious photos of our back garden back home in Bedfordshire, he really did take pride in his pots going to the garden centre and coming back with trays of potplants…He so loved his flowers as do I but, I am more your trees, shrubs, greenery and birds type of person…

I have been looking out into my back garden and looking at the now empty flower pots and been out watering and sprucing some of them up, I can see colour coming to life, this is what I want to be seeing as I gaze out of the living room French doors but I am afraid I will be letting him down as I am not a potter of flowers like he was but, I can see some colour is springing back into life…Yes it is those little things that we always took for granted that we are missing now our beloved partner has gone…

Jackie…

#16

I’m off again, finished my breakfast, turned off the television and started my crying and talking to Richard again whilst looking at the armchair he died in…It is the same old things that I keep talking to him about, telling him at least he doesn’t have to take his morning medications ( pill popping as I used to call it ) nor take his inhaler ( his puffer puffer as I used to call it) or put his eye drops in, nor will he have to face having his cataracts done nor having another endoscopy going down his throat nor the biggy one we were the most fearful of was the open heart valve replacement surgery that he was told he needed…If there is any form of comfort is that he doesn’t have to put his body through any more of this but although Richard is now at peace, I am not at peace…And the worse thing is, I know he is somewhere here with me, just dont know where he is as of yet I have not received any spiritual sign telling me he has been made whole again…

Jackie…

#17

Apologies, I posted the above under the wrong heading so please ignore this, as this has now been duplicated under the correct heading of " My partner passed away suddenly."

#18

Today is the anniversary of the first day alone without my Alan. He always did the washing up, and each time I do it now I can hear him criticising that I haven’t done it this way or that way. I laugh quietly but also shed a few tears too. I put the dishes on the draining rack differently to him and I can even hear him comment on that too. I find it comforting. For years when I was at home bringing our children up, I ran the house single handed whilst he went to work to provide for us. Yet when he retired, suddenly I was doing it all wrong. He was really funny with it too, I mean always joking about it.

I miss everything my previous life afforded me, so many precious moments now only memories, precious memories I must add, precious memories.

Jen ☆

#19

Jen…
…if only we could put the clocks back, if only…Yes a certain date will forever stick firmly in ones mind and it will affect us emotionally when that date comes around…For me this date will be 11th April for now three reasons, one I lost one of my fur babies 10 years ago on this same date, two, I was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis 4 years ago on this same date, and three, was the same date five week sago I lost my Richard, my constant partner of 19 years, 17 of those years living together believing we had our whole future ahead of us…

Jackie…

#20

Kate, I do relate to your posts with loss and coping very much. It helps to know we find ways to deal with the journey we are on. We’re not alone, our partner remains firmly by our side x

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