It's you I can't replace....

Losing a partner
1

Hello,

My move plans continue - with yesterday a visit to the nearby department store to order mattresses, new bed, etc.

My (our) bed is not coming as it holds too many bad memories - Tom ill, Tom in pain, Tom sleeping all the time, me in the dark grieving in anticipation and in silence so as not to disturb him, Tom so unwell that last night here at home. Me, woken in the small hours with the hospital’s Doom Call. You will all get the picture.

So, I drifted around the furniture floor, alone, as almost always. I found the sofas and sat down for a moment. The canned music turned to The Police and “Every Breath You Take” - a song I have listened to over my lifetime, it seems.

As I sat there, these lyrics filled the store and broke my heart:-

“Since you’ve gone, I’ve been lost without a trace
I dream at night, I can only see your face
I look around, but it’s you I can’t replace
I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace
I keep crying, baby, baby please”

I’m still here, Tom, and I miss you. All this new furniture, new home stuff - has very little meaning without you.

I know friends here will understand,

Loads of love, everyone, and let’s keep swimming xxx

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Oh @Vancouver my heart goes out to you. The words of the sound are so spot on - we can’t replace our beloved, our whole world, our other half which completes us. Today is 8 weeks since I lost the love of my life but it seems like only yesterday. The words resonate with me. I don’t want to replace him. I miss him terribly and it hurts so bad. The sadness, loneliness, yearning for the loss of my husband and our life together. It’s horrible. My heart breaks for you.
Take care of yourself. Sending you love and hugs
:heart: xx

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@Vancouver, I believe we will always miss them. All future decisions we make, will always be over shadowed by our loss because we didn’t ask for the change, it was forced on us. But you have made some very difficult decisions and continue to do so, to help you make steps in the right direction. Tom would be incredibly proud of all you have achieved since he died.

These moments will always be around us and pop up when we least expect them. Will we ever get used to it? Thinking of you x

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My dear @StarGate - I am so sorry your beloved has died - what a gap he leaves in your life, what a gaping void. I know, my friend, I know. We cannot replace them, we can substitute in anyone else for them. We honour their lives in our on-going love for them and we creep from day to day as grief works on us, it’s odd, uneven yet strangely healing ways. Hold tight, you are 8 weeks in and doing well - keep moving forward, even if the ground you cover is only an inch a day xx

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@Vancouver. I really feel for you and can understand everything you say. It doesn’t matter what we do, there is heartbreak of some kind or another. I hate sleeping in ‘our’ bed, like you, there are devastating memories of lying there, silently crying and very worried of what was next. I hope to move next year to a retirement apartment but, right now I’m not sure I will have the mental and physical strength.
You are an example of strength at such a dreadful time and have achieved so much. I truly hope you will be very happy once you have moved to your new home. I’m sure Tom will be with you.
Sending love and hugs, xx

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Thank you, thank you, dear @Ali29 x I sometimes wonder what Tom would think, what he would say, if he suddenly walked through the door and it was all a terrible mistake. I hope he would be proud, I hope he would agree with all the decisions forced on me to take. Have a good rest of the day where you are, my friend - we can only take a guess on what to do, take a leap of faith, and most importantly, to keep swimming xx

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My friend, dear @Rome18 - your example encourages me and many others on here. You will sense when the time is right to move on. For me, it just suddenly dawned on me that it was ok, that it was time - and it is. In clearing so many things earlier in the year, I managed to get ahead on the actual move - but boy! I still have loads of stuff to shift… Have a good afternoon where you are and know that you will know when it is time for you, too xx