Today is a bad day!!
It’s 8 weeks since I lost my soul mate and I’m struggling with the loneliness and loss.
Added to by the fact we have sold our house and we’re moving to Sussex to be nearer to friends and family.
I am going through with it because we only moved down here to Somerset 16 months ago and didn’t have time to put down roots or make friends because of lockdown.
I do and I don’t want to go! I am so scared of the day I move to the new property ,as he won’t be a part of it.
It will never be a home because he will never know it or be coming with me.
Although I always had to sort stuff out he always had his input. This time I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, buying the right house or moving to the right area!
I just feel that I don’t really care where I go ,as it will never be a home again. Just somewhere for me to live until I join him.
I can’t stay here as it’s too big, I can’t afford too financially and I’m so lonely, as I have no friends here.
I don’t see another human from one day to the next as we are quite isolated here.
I just need him to tell me I’m doing the right thing.
I cried reading your words I sent my man off in an ambulance for what we thought was a few hours in hospital to top up his oxygen he didn’t want me to ring 111 but I did because I was worried and I’d spent three nights awake looking after him making sure he didn’t sleep on his back.
I was on FT with him when the ICU doctor came for him his last words I heard were “ but I don’t understand as you said I was doing so well” the dr asked he end the call I thought he would message or ring me back but I didn’t receive a call.he had struggled for six days in HDU on a CPAP mask I watched him deteriorate I couldn’t be with him couldn’t help him when he needed me,
I went through hell and back until he left me two weeks later on a ventilator while I cuddled him telling him I loved him.p it was the most distressing experience and I am traumatised by this with the worst dreams.
How , why and what ifs are with my daily I love this man so much he is and was my absolute everything I don’t know how I get through each day and have for seven weeks because I am broken and I will never mend.
Life has been so cruel to us and we have been left in shattered pieces but I have no choice but to carry on.
Quarter man
Your experience is a mirror image of mine!!
My Tom went into hospital on 3rd January and died on 27th.
3 days in ,they put him on a ventilator and I never spoke to him again.
Like you I rang 111 and he didn’t want me to.
I held his hand as he died and I will never get that image out of my mind.
How we get through this I don’t know, where we get the answers we need, I don’t know!
Each day is a challenge to get up and go on.
We all know that death is a part of life but never in a million years did I ever imagine the sheer pain that comes with it.
I have lost close family in the past few years but this is something else!
30 years together and just when we should enjoy our retirement wiped out in an instant.
My heart goes out to you and I wish we weren’t going through this.
Hi guys my name is Claire and my son and i lost our rock mick to cardiac arrest on 10th December 2020. on the 4th of Dec he had the 1st attack , we were in bed when i thought he was snoring but realised he was fighting for breath, one minute we were laughing and the next he was fighting for his life, my son helped me do CPR until the paramedics got to us. he had 2 more attacks before they could get him to the hospital. once at hospital he 3 more attacks there , once me and my son got to see him he was on a ventilator and they had taped his eyes so i knew something was wrong. once they got them to LGI they scan his brain and found catastrophic damage to the brain, it got worse because 5 days the hospital performed brain test to make sure my mick would never be coming back to me and Harry. It was so traumatic for me and Harry to go through. I would not wish it on anyone, on the 9th of Dec we were called to say goodbye to my soul mate, my gentle man, so hard. got to be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. my poor Harry was to be 18 in 2 days time, Im so mad at the world for taking my brilliant man from us. I don’t understand why…i’m broken…
Just keep posting on here all your emotions and thoughts.
There are no answers on here ,as I’ve realised ,but it helps to talk to people who are experiencing similar emotions.
We read other posts and it brings home we are not alone in our grief and thoughts.
I feel for your son as my grandson was 18 just 3 days after his grandads funeral. We had brought him up like a son. Sadly their birthdays will be remembered in future with sorrow for who they lost.
I’m 8 weeks in since my husband died of Covid and still in meltdown. Some days are better than others and I just hang onto the belief this pain will ease.
We have to go on, me for my grandson and you for your son.
After the initial shock comes the numbness and what ifs.
Looking at some of the posts on here, of people further along their grief journey, it seems the pain never goes away but we learn to cope and live with it better.
So keep posting and reading , I hope we can all help each other.
Xxx
Thank you TomTom your words are kind and there helping me, i think it just helps to be heard through these crazy times, yes we will never get over this but hopefully time will be kinder to us. I guess when we are all consumed by a death of a dear one is so hard to see peace again, and what really hurts me is there is no answer to our grief.
Hi Claire,
I have just responded to you on another thread and hadn’t read your opening post describing what happened to your husband. I am so sorry that you and your son suffered and witnessed such trauma. It’s unfair and inexplicable why such awful things happen and I feel your pain.
Our younger son was 27 when he witnessed my husbands collapse. I would give up everything I own to have my husband back and also for my son not to have seen what he did. A happy evening out together ended instantly from one minute to the next and descended into the worst nightmare imaginable.
The effect on both our sons was overwhelming at first and both were off work for two months. Fortunately both had extremely understanding employers and for that I am truly grateful. Initially my son who had been with my husband sought help from our local hospice, as the only recommendation from our GP but ultimately this didn’t prove helpful as it didn’t really address the suddenness and specific trauma that brings. Eventually he found a clinical psychologist through his health insurance from work with whom he had several sessions and who has helped him deal with flashbacks and nightmares.
None of us who loses someone so integral to our life is ever the same again. I haven’t sought counselling but for my son at least it has enabled him to work and keep going. His outlook and priorities have changed but he functions and now has aims and to the outside world seems ok.
Grief is a lonely experience for anyone but for young people it can be particularly isolating as probably none of their contemporaries have any experience of loss. My husband was 64 and I feel more distanced than ever from our peer group, all of whom still have their partners. Try as they may they cannot understand and the same goes for our children’s friends. Grief can be boring to the uninitiated. My heart breaks all over again when I see our sons friends engaging with their dads in a way now denied to them. Obviously for the time being it has been disrupted but at some time in the near future normal service for them will resume.
I am sure you and your son will be supporting each other but outside help for my son has been invaluable. I am thinking of you both. X
It’s so hard having to make big decisions by ourselves when it’s always been a joint effort.
It brings it home the enormity of them not being in our lives.
You have to go with your gut instinct and do what you feel is right for the future.
X
@Tomtom good luck with your move. I understand you are scared, but you have given good reasons for making the change. Hopefully if you can ease the financial burden and isolation it will help you to a certain extent. I know we have memories tied up in our homes, but those memories are still in our hearts and thoughts and we take them forward with us. Best wishes.
Hi tomtom, sussex is lovely. Hopefully being near family will help with the lonliness. Its such a brave thing to do. I have same dilemma. Today is our wedding anniversary. 49 years. Mel has only been gone 9 weeks and i miss him awfully. Good luck with your move. I hope the move helps you. He will always be with you. Memories go with you. X
I thought I had bad days over past weeks but nothing compared to today!
I am absolutely lost and distraught. Mega meltdown.
9 weeks today since I lost my Tom to Covid and I’ve totally lost it today!
Never felt so lonely or bereft in my life.
Nothing or no one came help me I know.
Don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this but never wanted to be with him in death as badly as today.
Family and friends that I thought would be my rock and support , just tell me to get a grip!!
I’ve never been a drama queen and always the one in control in our relationship but this is grief is something else!
Has anyone out there had this total meltdown 9 weeks down the line?
Xx
Hello
I have had many meltdowns sobbing all the time
And like you feel as no one understands
And stupid people think you should be feeling ok
Really what idiots they really are
My husband passed December the 5th
Take care xx
These people have no idea. Someone has said something similar to me today while she sat next to her husband taking in the sun. She told me ‘its not as if you have an alternative choice’, if only they fully appreciated the dark days that grief brings.
Take care all only those going through this can help us survive it.
Hi all,
It’s ok,not to be ok!
It’s a bloody nightmare going through grief.
There is no rule book.
We all have those awful days when we really can’t see a end to it all.
People say such throw away comments,it’s hurtful and totally insensitive.
I feel your pain.x
Shelia
I was told to sort my head out by a family member
And I should be thinking off my 2 sons
What a bloody joke really is can’t think about anything but Andy
All take care xx
Only us on this forum understand I am at breaking point every day I miss him every minute of every day. I see no future or want a future without him. Our children my sisters our friends none of them get it they can’t until it happens to them.
I am eight weeks since Tim left me and I have learned to hold the tears in until I’m alone and if and when asked just say I’m alright unfortunately I can’t keep explaining myself as to why I’m so upset so it’s best this way.
Take care virtual friends life is so cruel at times and we are left behind to try and figure out why xxxxx
Quarter man what you’ve said is mirror image of how I’m feeling.
At times like this you really find out who you can rely on for support.
God forbid they have to experience this hell on earth but rest assured one day they will have to.
In the meantime they just carry on with their lives and shy away from emotional wrecks like us as it is a stark eye opener to what’s to come!
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish this on anyone, but I hope I would have more compassion , patience and understanding ,than some of my friends have for me.
I find myself not answering the phone as I know I will break down most days .
Only people who have experienced profound love to then lose it in death will understand.
