After loosing my parter, my soul mate, my best friend, I just feel like I have no future. I don’t want a future without him.
This time two years ago we were buying furniture and things for the home we’d just bought together. Now he’s gone and I’m selling our home, I just can’t bare to be there without him.
We’d been saving money for a while, next year we were going to have a couple of holidays abroad just me and him then the year after we were going to start a family, he was so excited to be a father one day!
He had great plans to earn more money so we could at some point in the future buy a home somewhere more rural with land.
He had big ambitions but not for himself, for both of us together.
I feel like I just can’t make sense of anything anymore, how can all that just get ripped away at the blink of an eye?
I was woken up by knocking on the door, it was half one in the morning which is the time Joe normally gets in from work, I jumped up half asleep and thought to myself I must of left my key in the door and he can’t get in. I actually ran down stairs excited to see him. I looked out the window to check it was him before opening the door, but his car wasn’t there, a police car was.
They asked to come in and I just froze I couldn’t speak. And thats when they told me. The car registered at this address has been involved in an accident. And I’m sorry to tell you but Joe has died.
I’ve relayed that moment over and over again and I just can’t get it out my head. Its that fact I ran down stairs excited to see him, but he wasn’t there.
I then had to go to his parents house and tell them what had happened to their son.
It’s now three months on and I just keep feeling worse and worse. I’m back living at home with my dad. I’ve stopped crying in front of him because I know when he sees me so upset it makes him upset and I don’t want that.
When will I be able to stop crying myself to sleep?
When will I be able to stop going over and over and over that night?
I can’t bare to look to the future it scares me, there’s so many things I’m dreading. Next.month would of been his 28th birthday, the week after was the date we moved in together.
How can he just be gone.
How on earth do people cope? What the hell am I going to do?
Alison, my heart is aching for you and I know so many on this site will be feeling the same and wanting to come and give you hugs. I just wish I could. You are being very brave selling the house and not crying when your dad is around, you should be very proud of yourself. The problem with grief is that no two people grief the same but we all know how it hurts and the way it completely takes over everything else in your life. It is still early days for you, things do get easier but he will also be part of you. Keep posting and reading others post because they offer you comfort. I will be thinking of you and sending you love and my blessings. S xx
I am so so sad to read your post. Three months on you will still be in shock. I know as I lost my husband in a road traffic accident - the first anniversary is next week. I cannot write nor say the date that my world came crashing down around me. There is a charity called BRAKE please take a look at their website.
I can understand you going over the events that early morning. Similar thoughts consumed my every waking moment. And although they have lessened there are always occasions that will take me back to that day. Dealing with the police, coroner etc. It still sometimes feels as if it is a horrible dream that I will wake from.
I do not look to the future. I take one day at a time and try to deal with whatever challenges that day throws my way.
I have had counselling and if nothing else it is good to be able to off-load your true feelings to someone who is unrelated.
I wish I had answers to yours and my own questions but for the most part we will never find these answers. We can only put one foot in front of the other and try to get through the day.
Thanks for taking the time to reply and I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to go through the same thing!
I will talk to someone at Brake eventually but at the moment I can’t find the words to speak about it, for some reason writing about whats happened seems to be easier right now. I just can’t bare to say the words ‘my partner died’ I just cant get the words to come out of my mouth.
Part of me thinks thats just my defence mechanism, like if I don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen.
And I feel like its only been this past week where it’s fully hit me that he’s gone and I’m never going to see him again. The only way I’ve managed to get through each day is to pretend its not happened.
The police inquest is still ongoing and I think everytime I have to speak to them it just takes me back to that night. So I’m hopeful that once the inquest has finished I can stop reliving the nightmare and start remembering the happy times we shared.
Reading other peoples messages has helped a little, knowing I’m not on my own and not the only person this has happened to (Not that I want anyone else to have gone through this, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy) but seeing that other people have managed to carry on even if its been a huge struggle has given me some hope.
My thoughts will be with you next week when it’s the anniversary
Thanks again
Alison xx
I’m 6 months down the road. My wife passed suddenly. She had a chest pain, admitted to ICU still stable. Suddenly deteriorate before my eyes and passed within 12 hrs.
In recent days that pictures keep popping up in my mind. It’s hard to see your love one suffers, even harder to see them go. This heartache is so gut wrenching…
I still don’t know how and why should I go on without her. Been together 32 years. My childhood sweetheart. My first love. How can she just vanish from this earth? Sometimes I still find it hard to believe.
I am so very, very sorry to hear about your wife.
My husband passed away 2 days ago very suddenly with heart failure.
We had been watching his favourite TV show, and he just became unconscious and was admitted to ICU where he passed away a few hours later.
The Dr came into the ‘family room’, and explained what had happened, and then said ’ your husband is not going to make it, and is going to die very soon’…
I feel the same as you.
How can someone just ‘go’ like that?
The shock and the sadness and pain afterwards is overpowering.
There is no need to reply to this message.
I just related to your story so much.
yes we went through that family room thing…worse moment in my wife a nightmare for my 14 yo daughter.
Anyhow I had the chance to see her after she passed in the recovery room in the operation theatre. I sang her our favourite love song the last time, kissed her the last time…
Don’t really want to ruminate anymore so painful…
Hi Kathryn - My husband also died from heart failure, I spoke to him a few minutes earlier and then gone, the Coroner said it was instantaneous. It’s a massive shock, and my heart goes out to you, look after yourself. x
I just wanted to say a huge thank you for replying to my post, and reliving the pain you are feeling.
How incredibly brave you are, singing your favourite love song, and giving your wife a kiss.
I was blabbering on to my husband about God knows what, and holding his hand.
Those fleeting moments are thrust upon you, but you were able to use up every second of them.
I understand that you dont want to ruminate …
I just wanted to reply to your heartfelt post, and to thank you so much for writing it
Hi Viv…
Thank you so much for your post.
Reading these posts I realise so much that I am certainly not alone.
The shock of losing someone is always awful, but when it happens so fast, it seems even worse, as you are not prepared for it.
I keep telling myself that Roger would not have liked to have been ill for a long time (who does), but it is gut renching when it happens so fast.
My heart goes out to you too Viv, and thank you again for sharing your experience with me
not really think of anything at that moment…still in shock you know. Just 24 hr prior she reminded me to make booking for the 3 of us for COVID jabs so we may travel again (we loved travel) then suddenly this.
Initially I thought with time it would be better but with the great love between us I am not so sure. We were one. We’ve been through ups and downs and we love each other with the whole of our hearts. We have planned to retire in 2022 and prepared all the papers to settle in another country. We are robbed of all that. My daughter robbed of her best friend who, like your husband, would teach her navigate through life and be a decent person. This loss is so gigantic. It may be different as time passes but the pain, guilt, anger and heartache seems to linger.
Take care.
I really have no words for your huge loss.
Life is so utterly brutal.
I just really hope that this site helps you voice the massive pain that you are feeling…
You and I are in the same boat. We have lost the most important person in our lives and the heartache is just beyond description. I know you are suffering. We all are. I just hope that knowing you’re not alone may help you feel a bit better so going down this road would be less unbearable somehow. Take care.
Thank you.
Knowing that you are not alone does help a bit…
It can still be very much a lonely, internal path though…
I visited my husbands family today, and we talked about all the daft things he would get up to, but oh dear, when I got home and put my key in the door, everything tumbled in on me, and reality hit once more.