I've lost me

Hi ,I havent posted for a while ,I wonder if anyone else has similar experience as mine .I lost my Mum and then my husband 5 months later he had a sudden unexpected heart attack early one morning in November last year I was with him .Im trying hard to carry on with life and have some good family and friend support. I volunteer in a charity shop which really helps me feel normal ,because 9 months on I dont feel like me and it worries me ,but I refuse to get anxious about my strange feelings of unreality and just carry on feeling unwell like I’m in shock .I have episodes of my mind partly shutting down can be daily for about 30 mins ,it’s called dissasociation and I’m struggling to be on my own so much not feeling well .I think who am I ? I dont recognize me but parts are still there ,I still love my Mum and husband and family etc. This feels like suffering which I can only just cope with ,I’m not confident that I can survive this painful loss 9 months on I’m seeking therapy .Is this common ? Sue x

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Hi Sue,
I identify 100 percent with your feelings of unreality as if you are in shock. Unfortunately like you, my father died five months before my husband who also died suddenly last November. I am sorry about your situation because I understand just how difficult it is to reconcile the life we had with what we are now living.
Only this morning I looked around my house and felt such an overwhelming sense of disconnection with the home it used to be and wondered how on earth I am where I am. I keep expecting my husband to come in from the garden or back from his walk.
In addition I am having to clear my parents house 150 miles away. My mum still lives in it but it’s too big and old to manage. It’s been in our family for 96 years so it holds a host of memories. To say it’s a wrench to see it go is an understatement but I keep telling myself it’s only bricks and mortar and compared to losing my husband what does it matter. The same goes for my mum who hasn’t been the same since my father died. All she wants is him back.
The stress of losing the love of my life, my father and my childhood home is unbearable and I am on automatic pilot most of the time.
I imagine that is what you are feeling given your double bereavement. I think our brains disassociate from what has happened because it’s too much to process. In addition to a sense of unreality I also have an ongoing numbness.
Inside I’m crumbling but I cannot cry so everyone thinks I’m coping admirably. I have no idea how long this lasts and wish I had a solution but I just wanted you to know you are not alone in how you feel.xx

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You are not alone I lost my soulmate , my best friend died and my father has a terminal illness all in the space of 4 months , the unreality is weird and the future a scary place

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I am sorry you have also experienced so many losses and illness close together Geoff-tee. Life is so unbelievably cruel.
I still go a day at a time and really can’t envisage life being any different. The future I had hoped for with my husband no longer exists and I don’t have another plan. It is indeed scary to think too far ahead.x

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@Sue3 My goodness I came on here to post and here are you telling your story which is just the same as mine. I have to say I admire you having the courage to volunteer in the charity shop. I don’t think I could do that. My father died in January this year after John and I had cared for him and Mum for 20 years. Mum died in 2008. My darling John also died of a massive heart attack in the early hours on 7 June. Just one day short of five months after Dad. When you say the suffering is so bad it feels as if you can’t cope I know how you are feeling. I was in deep shock to start with but now I just feel life is over for me and it’s just not worth trying to carry on with anything meaningful. I just sit and watch TV, go back to bed in the afternoon and drink some wine in the evening and talk to John just like we used to do. We were never apart. How do we survive? The one person that can help us is gone for ever. For ever! I can’t come to terms with that at all it’s like a dagger in my heart. As someone else said the woman I was died with him and all that is left is an empty shell. What do we do? How do we carry on until we are with them again. At the moment I am telling myself 10 weeks down how many more to go? I used to love life so much but now I hate this existence. Does it help that others are feeling exactly the same? I find it incredibly sad that others are suffering just as much and no-one can help us except the wonderful man or woman that was the light of our lives. xx

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Its shock that your in , but it’s not exactly replaced later with anything good either , reason to be has vanished , whats the point in doing anything , but we do carry on and we do grow to accept whsts happened , but it’s still bloody awful

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@Geoff-tee It is bloody awful what the hell did any of us do to deserve this when there was so much love and happiness.

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Sue, that sounds so much like me. I lost my June 10 weeks ago, before that, my mother and younger brother. I have only been able to think about June. I have periods most days when I’m not here, and to be honest, it doesn’t frighten me. I have the TV on all day, but can’t watch or listen to anything. I’m totally disinterested in the news. i’m aware of the virus, kids, unemployment etc, but to be honest, I don’t much care. The part that made me, me, is gone. i try and look for the god things, remember good times, but that’s what they are, memories. We won’t be creating any more of those, at least not ones that I will want to remember.

As you say Geoff-tee, we carry on and it’s bloody aweful - the question is why do I bother?

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I am sorry for all the losses you have experienced. I have lost my loved one and the trauma is severe so I cannot imagine having lost more loved ones in a short space of time.
I feel the same as all of you in that life no longer has a purpose and I don’t know how were are going to deal with it. I have requested counselling but I’m not sure how much it will help. As we all know, there is only one solution, and that is to have our loved ones back. Unfortunately that is not possible and we must strive for an alternative life.
I am also in a suspended state of reality and continue to think it will be alright soon, however, I sadly know it won’t.
Love to all. x AL

I totally relate to everything you have all said. I feel worse now 2 months down the line. Everyone thinks I’m doing great and inside I am dying. I can have a laugh and enjoy myself with my friends but soon as I get home boosh. I listen to music drink wine and break my heart. I’m 53 and scared of a future without Frankie. What I wouldn’t give for one of his hugs right now

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@Blue1 all our stories are the same. It’s terrible but none of has that magic wand. We can only cry with each other and I will think of you when I drink my wine this evening. At least it helps me to sleep. X

I hate being on my own. I can count on one hand the number of nights we spent apart. I can’t even watch stuff I have recorded that we were watching together. Looking forward to going away with my friends and hopefully going back to work. I hate this new life

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I hope you can enjoy time away with friends and returning to work. I am retired and apart from my two daughters all our friends live thousands of miles away. We used to love planning our holidays and researching each new country.

Not only do we lose our loved one but all the things you enjoyed doing , watching listening to are taken away as well , what’s left is nothing

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Lots of long walks by the sea are what I need right now and then to try and get back into a routine of sorts. Thank you for your kind words💙

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You will reach a new routine , very diffrent from the old one but a routine none the less take care in your new journey x

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Hello Sue3,

I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum and your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment and you are feeling overwhelmed.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

You can also make an appointment with your GP to let them know about the dissociation you’re experiencing, they may be able to point you towards an appropriate treatment or support service. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.

Take care,

Hazel
Online Community team

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John’s wife I know how you feel, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on 4 June and I too feel empty and lost. I go to bed 4am then sleep until 12. Then have a nap in the afternoon, I can’t seem to get the energy or desire to be up and doing. I used to love going out and I was a very sociable person. Now I want only to stay home, I have lost interest in myself. I miss him so much. I seem to have lost my purpose in life. Empty and on autopilot is how I spend my days. I hope we can find peace for ourselves one day. Take care and all the best to everyone on here.

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I am so sorry you are feeling as bad as I do. I used to feel happy and full of life as John loved me so much and gave me such confidence. Now I just feel like the old woman I really am. Broken hearted waiting to die. I hoped today might be a bit better but it’s not. Things seem to be going downhill fast. You take care. X

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Hi Jobar ,thanks for reply .Sometimes I think we wont come back up unless we hit the bottom and then bounce up ,the experience of the bottom is what scares me .God bless ,Sue x

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