I've lost my mum

I lost my mum 2 weeks ago today,7 weeks after she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.my mum was a non smoker, non drinker she was a vibrant healthy 70 year old who still attended zumba classes every week.I can’t accept she’s gone or the manner in which she died it was brutal and traumatic,she spent her last 11 days in a hospice where the care and support was fantastic but the symptoms took days to get under control,we had to watch our beautiful strong mum beg for water but not be able to have any as she could no longer swallow,she lost her voice 4 weeks before she died and I can’t remember her voice ,justa croaky whisper.I struggled with anticipatory grief when she was still her but at least I could hold her hand and talk to her,now she’s gone I feel paralysed at the thought that I can never talk to her or see her again

I’m so sorry Sarah. What a sad story. I think that is the hardest part of the death of a loved one, watching their gradual decline, remembering how fit they were and wondering why it happened to them.
It is early days for you and it will be hard and very emotional. Accepting you will never see or talk to your lost one is awful. I do hope you have a supportive family.
Mar. xx

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to read about the death of your mum and for the traumatic memories you have of her final days. People often find that it takes time for the good memories to return, so I hope that you find you remember her voice in time.

I hope that it helps to be able to write things down here - I’m glad to see you’ve already had one supportive reply. There have been quite a few other members joining in the last few days who have also sadly lost their mums. You may be interested to check out this conversation where several of them have posted: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/coping-and-not-coping

Be kind to yourself and take things day by day. As your mum was cared for in a hospice, they will normally offer you some bereavement support, so do take advantage of that if you feel it might help.


Hi Sarah,
I’m so sorry about the loss of your mum . I lost my mum 16th may this year and like your mum my suffered especially in the last few weeks and watching the person you loved most in the world deteriated and suffer so much is beyond gutting it leaves painfull memory’s etched in your mind. I stayed with my mum24/7 at the hospice for a month she was my world we were peas in a pod and now I just feel so lost and alone in this world. I misses her beyond words she was the only one I could turn to and talk to .Like you I feel trauma that I can’t speak to her again I don’t think it has fully sunk in yet as its too painfull every day is a constant battle!! I don’t know if you ever feel that ? And I get so jealous of those who still have there mum or if I hear someone shout out mum in a shop I just wanted to run out crying. My mum was only 60 which I feel is young these days. Life is so very cruel I told her I wish it was me I would of took her pain illness from her if I could. I hate that I couldn’t. As this pain without her is just overwhelming i get so low with it.
I hope you are doing ok as can be.
With love. Tray xx

Hi tray I’m so sorry for your loss its so cruel and unfair but your feelings are exactly the same as mine,its not getting any easier and even though iim surrounded by family (I have 4 kids)I feel so lonely.the world is moving on but mine stopped on may 24th,in fact if I’m honest it stopped on 18 April when we were told her diagnosis.I hadn’t even accepted the fact that she had cancer before she was taken away from us so how do I begin to accept her death.I have no one to tell this to as I feel people are uncomfortable talking about death as it brings home that one day they will lose someone they love so I hold it in but all I want to do is talk about her and keep her here.I know that one day these feelings will change and the memories will come with a smile but at the moment I just want her here,I hope you have someone you can talk to about your mum but please feel free to message me at any time as sometimes knowing your not the only one going through this helps xxx

Hi sarah28,
Thank you for your reply. I don’t have any close family so I’m very much alone with it in that way. I don’t have any children I have got a 11 week old puppy that I named in honour tribute to my mum she is called Susie Hope. I added the hope bit as I feel that’s what you need when you feel you have nothing and I always used to say that to my mum. But even with pup the home is so empty lonely as we lived together so there are constant reminders all around like her toothbrush which is still there as I can’t bare to touch it or unsure of what to do. Every day feels like a constant battle struggle. Every hour is!! This is all just so painfull and like you put you feel your world ended that day you lost your mum that is exactly how I feel . The light went out in my world when mum went.,or again like you said when diagonoised the world just changed in a secound turned on its head and a place I just didn’t region use anymore. That day was awful feb 1st it was and then on the 22nd feb we lost our dog who meant the world to us. It broke me up and I just hated and felt so cruel having to tell my mum her best pal dog had passed away having to deal with that and knowing you are terminally I’ll and feeling so scared and I’ll was just awfull!! Life is so cruel and it makes me so angry and bitter I suppose but angry at how cruel and unfair my mum was such a beautiful mum but also as a person she was so kind caring put everyone else first. I miss her painfully sometimes it just feels she’s away for a bit as I don’t feel my mind can fully accept forever. Crying as I write this it’s just so painful losing your mum isn’t it. It might sound weird but I always hoped and thought that I would go before mum as its always been a fear of mine losing my mum. This is just so painfull. Everyday it’s just pain and it feels worse the more it goes on or sinks in. Again thank you for your reply it’s just a sad meeting of minds so to speak but it’s nice to know not alone. I hope that sounds comes across in the right way! My mum was my world now I. Just don’t know what to do. Just so very low beyond words.
Sending you a hug. With love. Tray xx

I have just seen this as joined today, how are you feeling three months on? My mum (same age, grade 4 cancer, also fit, healthy and danced) died yesterday… I’m in so much pain xx

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