I've outlived everyone

Hi all. I’d be grateful for any type of response to how I’m feeling right now. As a teenager I was bullied, neglected and severely abused by my family and peers, on a life threatening level of violence, to the extent where I tried to self harm twice. The second time my mother surprised me by ringing an ambulance when I was at death’s door. Many years later, I lost my father in 1988 (yay) my husband in 2013, (:cold_sweat:) my mother in 2015, (:cold_sweat::cold_sweat::cold_sweat::cold_sweat:) my surrogate mum in 2019 (:cold_sweat::cold_sweat::cold_sweat::cold_sweat:) and now my only sibling is dying of cancer. For my part I am fit and well, and pondering the cruel fate that has made me outlive everyone else when I hated being alive most of the time growing up, and I am plagued by guilt. I have become cavalier with my health and started volunteering in the community, in spite of Covid-19, feeling the need to be of some value to others whilst I am still breathing. How can I be rid of this guilt? Thanks.

Hello Ronat,
I’m so sorry to hear your story and your current sadness. It sounds as though things are very tough at the moment and you are feeling overwhelmed.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the
community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and
will understand some of what you are going through.

Take care,
Audrey
Online Community team

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Hi. Ronat. Yes that’s life. The beginning of your life sets the template for the rest of it. It invariably does. If we are abused as children then the pain often lingers well into adulthood.
Why plagued by guilt? Is it because you feel you should not be alive and well while everyone else has passed? Did you wish it on them? Did you make it happen? Of course not!! You are a sensitive person and this world is not a good place for sensitive people.
This site will show you how so many suffer as you do, with guilt and so many ‘what if’s’. Cruel fate!! Yes it does seem that way but it’s also life. Life can be exceptionally cruel and looking for answers is futile. We waste so much energy in trying to answer the unanswerable.
Now what you suggest about helping others is good. If you take precautions about the virus and help others you will find it helps you. But try not to get emotionally involved.
Getting rid of guilt is not easy. But perhaps ‘getting rid of it’ is the wrong approach. Living with it and accepting it may be better. It does and will go when you are able to face your feelings and emotions. Take it easy. Don’t jump into anything you don’t feel happy about. Be kind to yourself as well as others. Kindness, love and compassion for those around you can help you too. We all have a cross to bear and for some it’s very heavy.
Blessings. John.

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Ronat,
I would suggest you writing a letter to yourself. I wrote a very fast letter to myself a couple of days ago. I wanted to write it quickly, as I just didn’t want to over-dwell, at this sad time. I was typing at speed, my first thoughts.
It got a lot out of my system.

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