Hi everyone,
I’m new to this forum and this is my first post, so forgive me if I’m a bit nervous. I wanted to join this forum so that I could talk about my personal loss and not get judged for still grieving.
At almost nine years since I lost both my parents most people think I should’ve ‘just got over it’ by now but all I have to say to them, is that you never ‘just get over it.’ I’ve learned to live with my loss but it’s always there and I think of my parents every single day. January and February are two of the most difficult months of the year for me, as they contain numerous painful anniversaries. I have the anniversary of my dad passing away on the 26th of this month and February brings not only his birthday but also the anniversary of his funeral, plus the anniversary of my late grandmothers death and her funeral. It also has the birthday of a much loved uncle who passed away nearly twenty theses ago, so February is extremely painful.
I am ok most of the time but during the last couple of years with this awful pandemic it’s felt even more stressful. I do have family, not brothers or sisters, as I’m an only child but I have cousins and aunts and uncles but they never bother with me. The kindest thing I can say about them, is they’re ‘indifferent’ and would never contact me if I didn’t contact them. Christmas is especially hard as I’m always on my own, my family never ask me to be with them but do tell me exactly how their Christmas has gone. My godmother is the only family member who contacts me and she’s in her eighties with various health problems so further worst of the pandemic, couldn’t see me. It’s been extremely stressful, dealing with all that on my own but somehow I’ve managed it but every so often I feel like I need someone to just talk to about loss, grief and coping with everything. That’s why I’ve joined this forum, to hopefully find some ‘kindred spirits’
Jayne, hi and welcome to the community, yes we all understand and feel for you. I am pleased you have found us, joined and posted, it takes courage to write your inner most feelings.
Nine years is a long time but you right we just learn to live with the loss, the pain and the memories. Being on one’s own, managing everything is hard and to make decisions without being able to talk it through with someone else makes life difficult. Being on my own I fully understand and I am afraid although I tell my cat all about it she doesn’t tell me what to do. The pandemic has only made everything 100% worse and knowing you can’t just do what you want stops us from trying new things but hopefully things will improve. Look after yourself over these two dreadful months. Bless you for posting Sxx
Hi Susie,
Thank you for your message, it helps to know that there are people like you who understand my situation. Unfortunately most of the people I know, especially family (and I say that in its loosest sense) always get what I call, ‘the look’ whenever I mention my feelings about my parents passing away. I’ve seen it many times, it’s the look that says, ‘my god, hasn’t she got over it yet’ and I feel like screaming at them, you don’t understand how I feel and why should I be made to feel guilty for grieving my parents, just because you think I should’ve got over it !!! As I mentioned in my post, I’m ok most of the time but when a certain programme or song comes on the tv that my parents used to love, I’m taken straight back to the days they both passed away. Why it’s still so difficult, I don’t know but I’ve heard it said that grief is a very odd emotion indeed and you can be feeling fine one minute and the next you’re in floods of tears and that’s just what happens to me. Maybe it’s because I lost both parents within eight months of one another, I don’t know, but that’s how it affects me. I lost three members of my family in under twelve months. I had an aunt pass away from lung cancer in the March of 2013 and then my lovely mother passed away in the May of 2013 and only eight months later my dear dad passed away in January 2014 so it was an horrendous time for me and if I’m honest I don’t know how I survived it all. That’s not the worst part though, both parents died in almost identical circumstances and in the same hospital and virtually the same ward. They were both in side rooms and the wards were only metres apart, so when I had to go to the hospital when my mother passed away, only eight months later I was back there again in almost the same circumstances as before. That was like all my worst nightmares had come true, only this was very real and I wasn’t going to wake up and find everything ‘back to normal’ I don’t know how I didn’t just collapse in a heap but somehow I managed to come through it but it’s definitely changed me as a person and now I’m just concentrating on being the best version of myself I can possibly be. Having said that though, the scars it’s left run very deep and still feel so raw. I still have dark days when I think I’ll never ever get over things but those days are getting less but I know they’ll never truly go and that I must learn to live with them. Of course this awful pandemic hasn’t made things any easier by any means and having to cope alone has been extremely challenging. I also have my own health issues to deal with but I’ve done it and I’m still here, although to this day I’ll never know how I’ve managed it. I’ll need more strength to get through these next two months but I have some good friends that help me a lot, which I’m extremely glad of. It’s good to talk about stuff and not feel like I’m being a burden. Take care.XX
Hello, just reading your post I wondered if you had counselling or if you have even though about it.
For some it’s a life line for others it doesn’t work but it may help. Due to the timetable you would need someone who could help with the long term effects that grief has had on your emotional state , it may be worth considering.
I know how relatives react, I have a sister who can’t understand that I would love to talk about my husband but noway will she let me so I just don’t say anything now but it took me some time to realise. It is such a shame that other peoples reactions impinge on our life and therefore control us emotionally.
We are stronger than we think and it’s funny how we do cope with the obstacles that life through at us. Personally I think women are stronger then we let on but I am very grateful for being a ‘can do’ person. Hope you get some hope from being on this site, we are always here for you. S xx
Hi Susie,
I have had some bereavement counselling via Cruse on the phone but it they could only offer me a limited number of sessions. I was on a waiting list for those and due to the pandemic etc no further help was offered. I had also arranged to go to a local bereavement group and had a lovely meeting with the organiser, a lovey lady but just as I was due to go to the first meeting the lockdown was imposed and everything was put on hold. I am looking to contact them again but with this new strain of coronavirus I just don’t knew when or if it’ll be started up again. The pandemic has impacted on everything but fingers crossed things will get better soon. Until then, it’s just ‘Keep Calm And Carry On’ !!!XX
That sounds good and I know Cruse are still doing phone counselling or if you are very lucky then it can be over zoom. I am very hopeful that we may be over this worst now and as spring arrives we can have some normality back. Fingers and toes crossed. Please have another go at Cruse or here on Sue Ryder both do 6 weeks and can have a waiting list but also go to the group meeting, they are well worth joining. Stay safe no matter what you do. Sxx
I lost my dad 23 years ago and my mum 2 and a half years ago. Initially my sister and her family were very supportive. I lived with mum and I was very close to her and my sister wasn’t.
As time went on I would get comments like ‘live your life’ ‘mum wouldn’t want you to be so upset’ ‘your daughter needs you to pull yourself together’
Within 6 months they stopped even mentioning my mum. I now don’t talk about my grief or mum with them at all as they make me feel so wrong that I’m still so affected.
I only meet up with them a few times a year because I can’t be myself with them. I’m sure they think I’m over it now. But they have no idea.
Every day I live with the pain of losing my mum and dad. I was 27 when I lost my dad and 48 when I lost my mum.
Hi Cheryl,
Thank you so much for your message, it’s good to know that I’m not alone in still grieving the loss of my parents. It doesn’t matter how long ago your loss was, sometimes it still feels like only yesterday. As I’ve mentioned previously my ‘family’ are at best ‘indifferent’ and at worst downright insensitive !!! I too have had the ‘talk’ about ‘moving on’ and ‘getting on with life’ and to a certain extent I do just that but why should we be made to feel guilty when we want to talk about our ongoing grief, just because it makes other people feel uncomfortable !!!
I don’t see any of my family, they don’t even bother to contact me, it’s always me making the effort to contact them. The only one of my family I do keep in constant contact with is my aunt/godmother. She’s in her eighties and has several health issues, so I hadn’t seen her for over two years until a few days before last Christmas, when she came down to see me. Unfortunately I don’t drive and with money being an issue, I couldn’t go and see her. I’m lucky if I receive as much as a birthday or Christmas card from most of them and I’m always alone at Christmas, it wouldn’t even occur to them to ask me to have Christmas dinner with any of them !!!
My dad’s brother, my uncle and his wife live in Paphos, Cyprus, they moved there over 20 years ago but never told my mom, dad and me they were going !!! So I’m not surprised at their behaviour towards me when my dad passed away. I’m lucky if I get any communication from them at all. Believe me there’s a whole lot more I could say about them but I’d be here typing until hell freezes over !!!
The upshot is, unless you’ve experienced what we have and lost both parents, nobody truly understands how you feel. I would never assume that I know how anyone feels about their grief because grief affects everyone differently but I have got enormous empathy with anyone who’s gone or going through the most awful time that the loss of a loved one brings.
Look after yourself Cheryl and please don’t hesitate to message me again, cause I’ll always have a listening ear when you need one.
Take care
Jayne XX
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