Jealous

Hi everyone . The sudden collapse of Glenn Hoddle at the TV studios where he was filming on the weekend has brought what happened to my husband 3 months ago all back . He collapsed at home with me . I am not first aid trained and obviously have no immediate access to a defibrillator as was the case for staff in the tv studios . Whilst I am delighted for Glenn and his family that he seems to be making good progress and is out of ITU I am finding myself overwhelmed by wishful thinking and I suppose some jealousy or envy that there was no good outcome for my husband . I did my best under the circumstances and so did his friend /employee who came to help with CPR before the paramedics and air ambulance crew arrived . Like Glenn, Mark made it to ITU and also like Glenn he had stents fitted but unlike Glenn he continued to have daily cardiac arrests for the next three days and during the final one we were advised that preliminary tests showed he had suffered some brain damage from the initial collapse . He was a dynamic , clever businessman who would have hated to be dependent on others and unable to fully participate in the running of his business . He has been through so much the previous three days in everyone’s attempts to keep him alive in the hope he would recover but it was not to be . Since Mark has gone I have purchased a defibrillator for the local community and customers and installed it at our premises …we have a garage …for immediate use 24/7 . Whilst I hope that it will never need to be used , it is there should it be required and both staff and family have been trained how to use it and do CPR . It would have been lovely to have had the defibrillator there when Mark collapsed and his friend rushed to help me with CPR . My mind keeps thinking he could have brought the defibrillator with him from the garage to our house and that might have made all the difference in the world . Wishful thinking I know but torturing me nevertheless . So while I am absolutely delighted for Glenn and his family I am similarly gutted for Mark and my own . He would have celebrated his 61st birthday in October like Glenn . As you can tell the similarities are torturing me as much as the differences in outcome are traumatising me . Grief plays tricks with your mind and makes it hard to carry on . Sending big hugs to everyone today . Romy xxxxx

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Hi romy I am thinking the same things it’s brings it all back I was talking to my mum about it did I try hard enough James knew first aid through his work. I keep thinking I wasn’t doing the CPR right if I had a defibrillator they took him away to hospital people tell me they must of found a light pulse everyday I think if he got a stent sooner he might be still here .
Look after yourself
Christine x

Thank you so much for posting your message Christine . It’s the pain of thinking all the time did I do enough ? Could I have done more ? I probably wasn’t doing it correctly ? All that crappy thinking and the truth of it was that we were doing our absolute best in completely shocking and unexpected circumstances . There is such a short space of time within which to try to save a life and we did our best . We have to hold on to that thought . Sending love and understanding and thank you again for your response . It made me feel less alone . Romy xxxxx

Your are right we did our best
Big hugs to you
Christine x

xxxxx

Sheila that’s so kind of you to take the time to write to me . It had me in tears but maybe that’s what I needed . Thank you for your kind words and hope you are over your recent ill health . Love Romy xxxxx

I know Sheila . I have had shingles in my left arm recently . Shock and grief and sadness takes its toll mentally , emotionally and physically. Take care . Romy xxxx

Oh dear . Those M and S ready meals are nice but no comparison to home cooked meals . Grief puts you off eating and so does eating alone xxxxx

Never forget though that you are a lovely person and you are making a big difference to the lives of the people who are using this forum because you are so supportive and understanding . Never stop doing that Sheila . We all need you xxxxx

xxxxxxx

Romy I’ve just caught up on your messages

Please don’t question how much you did and didn’t do …it was out of your hands …what u did do was be a wonderful wife to mark please remember that …
We both lost mark and Gary around the same time almost and I to have had these thoughts … Thinking over and over how the events of the week could have changed the outcome if I have had done something different…

The fact that u have gonee out and bought that machine in the hopes of it helping some else shows the strength and warmth of who u are …

And you making that happen will one day maybe save someone’s life …

And save the pain of some one else going through what we are …

That in self makes u a special lady .

I hope u have a few better days , you deserve them

Love Michelle x

Oh Michelle that’s really sweet of you to take the time to reply to me and you have been so kind in your message . It just flashes through my head every so often …could I have made him go to the well man clinic more often ? He was always cancelling appointments saying he was busy at work. When he did go he was always borderline ok . Could do with losing a few pounds like lots of people but he was fit and strong and checked his blood pressure at home now and again like he’d been told to by the health centre and had lost a bit of weight doing the five/two diet so it was all good so we thought and we were very happy . It’s such a shock when it’s so unexpected and my friends husband has died suddenly today too from an aneurysm. Life is so weird and cruel . Look after your little ones . You are being a lovely mum to them keeping everything going as normal as possible when everything in your world has gone upside down . Thinking of you xxx

Hi Romy I can really identify with what you’re saying, and please know that you are not alone. The ‘what ifs’ are so hard to come to terms with. Mums partner passed away in his sleep but I had seen him earlier that day, and he didn’t look well. I had asked him and asked him whether he wanted medical attention and he assured me he didn’t and just needed to sleep. I torture myself with whether I should have overridden him and called an ambulance. About ten days prior to his death I had called an ambulance for him and he had been taken into hospital and I spent the whole night by his side. He was diagnosed with pneumonia and atrial fibrillation and given antibiotics and warfarin and discharged 3/4 days later, and was going back to the hospital more or less every day for blood tests in respect of the warfarin. The truth is I felt less inclined to insist on an ambulance on the night he died because I thought surely the hospital wouldn’t have discharged him unless he was well enough to leave, and that he was on medication. Plus he absolutely hated it in hospital so I didn’t want to have to send him there again unless he absolutely had to. Despite that I still wonder whether I should have perhaps insisted that he should not have been discharged or that I should have called ambulance earlier despite his wishes for me not to. Would he still be here? I don’t know the answer to that but its perhaps not a helpful question. The reality is that there were so many factors at play contributing to what happened and I am only a small part of the big picture.

I feel I should also share that two years prior to his death he had had a cardiac arrest whilst at work. They had a defib and were able to keep him alive. But the damage the cardiac arrest had had on his heart was massive which resulted in heart failure, a cocktail of medication and the ultimate decline in his health which had led to his death. In the end he couldn’t walk more than a few feet without getting out of breath and was very bloated through water retention. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t grateful for those two years - because I was, I so was - but the life he had in those last two years wasn’t a patch on the life he had before.

You did your very very best Romy. I too had to perform CPR on the night mum’s partner passed and I know first hand how traumatic it is. I know how hard it is and how strong emotions can be and I wish you peace of mind that you did all you could. We are all here on this forum for each other and please keep sharing to know you aren’t alone Xxxx

Thank you for sharing all that with me . It has helped put things in perspective for me . Keeping someone alive does not always have a fairytale ending I suppose . Someone else’s husband survived a cardiac arrest which happened whilst he was in hospital but he has been left with cognitive impairment. The gentleman’s wife told me that it is now like looking after a 70 year old baby and she thinks that the hospital shouldn’t have kept trying to resuscitate him for so long . The bottom line is that we would all do anything to have our loved ones back enjoying their lives in good health before tragedy struck but life is not like that mores the pity . It is a lovely day in South Wales today . I hope you and your mum will take some pleasure from the sun on her birthday . It is a gift from your mums partner . He would want her to have some happiness even if it is bittersweet. Don’t forget the fish and chips and Prosecco . Sending big hugs to you and your mum . Romy xxx

I’m so pleased that sharing our story has helped you.

Thank you so much - you’re right it is a gift from him and he would definitely want her to be happy today and to enjoy herself. I will be taking mum out for lunch today and fish and chips may well be on the cards! Big hugs to you too and thank you for all your kindness xxxxxxx

Teacups hope ur mum has the best day she can have … And remember the most important thing is she has you and you have each other …

Enjoy your fish and chips

Love Michelle

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Thank you so much Michelle xxxxxxx

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