Just Coping

My dear wife of over 51 years died suddenly 22 days ago. Hopes of a better life after apparantly successful heart surgery were cruelly dashed 3 days after she came home from hospital.

That’s as much as I can manage to write at the moment. Seems pointless posting really.

Edwin I’m really touched by your post. I lost my Husband 24 months ago next week to a heart condition and it’s doubly hard when the outcome was not what you were expecting. At 22 days you’ve had the fortitude to seek online help, that’s no mean feat. It’s not a waste of time posting because you will likely get some caring replies. All you can do is just “be”, I hope someone is looking out for you.sending you compassionate thoughts, look after yourself.

I said “pointless” because there just doesn’t seem to be any hope.
So much is going on in my mind, yet I seem unable or unwilling to summon up the drive to articulate it, or express it in writing.
I certainly do not wish to seem dismissive or unappreciative of your kind comments, but really, I don’t think this forum is the place for me.
We’ve all had an appalling, unbearable experience, and I guess we all feel that our lost partner was utterly unique. Can it do any good to burden other people on a forum, who are really only anonymous electronic entities, can it do any good to burden them with yet more expressions of overwhelming misery? They feel like me, and we each have quite enough overwhelming misery of our own.

Hello Edwin,
I am very sorry to learn that you have lost your partner, as many of us here have. I think the point of this forum is not about burdening people with misery but supporting and empathising with others who are also going through worst time in their lives. It has been a source of great comfort to me that there are others out there, even though they may be ‘anonymous electronic entities’, who understand the depth of the despair and misery and who, despite their own unimaginable pain, are willing to reach out and offer support and comfort to others. Of course, it is not for everyone and it may not be right for you. If so, it is understandable that you would not wish to participate further but I think it is wrong to assume that others here necessarily share your view otherwise the forum would not exist at all.

Edwin I am so so sorry for your loss. Please don’t dismiss this forum because let me tell you that it has brought me enormous comfort. Everyone on this site knows of loss and grief first hand, we’re the ones who can truly understand. It doesn’t bring us misery, it only brings us comfort and reassurance. Even if you don’t feel like writing, please keep reading… love and hugs to you xx

I so sorry for your loss.
I lost my wife of 25 years on th 2nd of July and I also feel like there is no point to anything. When I first posted on this forum I was also wondering if it could help me.
Please believe me that the support and kindness shown to me from fellow grieving people like the ones that have already replied to your self has been life saving.
Please keep checking in even if it is only to read
. We are all devastated and we all know what you are going through. Writing on here will not make it better nothing ever will you will carry this forever but it might stop you feeling like you’re going through this alone.
Please take care

By posting on here no one tell you to move on or isnt it time you started living again .Everybody has different ways of dealing with their nightmare .I come on here and speak how i feel .Some people in the world face to face dont want to listen or help .On here people will try and help thats what i feel Colin

Hello Edwin
So very sorry that you have lost your wife…words are useless but everyone here knows the awful pain you are going through and will help you however they can. We can’t go back and often don’t know how to go on…but sometimes it is enough just to breathe and remember…you have lost your other half but you will never lose the love you shared and that will get you through these early dreadful days. Keep reading the posts on here…they will help you in ways you can not imagine. God bless you …and all grief friends everywhere.

Dear Edwin . Three weeks is such a short time . You have had such a shock . I lost my husband suddenly 9 weeks ago and I can’t tell you the rollercoaster of emotions I have gone through since then . I too found this site out of desperation . It was only a week ago but it has helped me enormously being able to share my feelings with others who understand . I hope it will help you too if you choose to stay with it . Whatever you decide sending you a virtual hug . Romy xxx

It’s a week now since I posted a couple of comments. Whilst I expressed misgivings about the value of this site to me as an individual, I was encouraged by several of you to at least keep visiting and reading even if I didn’t contribute.

I heeded those recommendations and have done that. My evaluation hasn’t changed much, really, but I do want to emphasise that I make no explicit nor implied criticism of the forum nor any contributor, whose feelings of grief I share, and whose expressions of it I completely respect. We must all react to our loss in our own ways, and our own personal personality traits will affect how - and if - we are comfortable in showing our pain to others.

My childhood circumstances, the details of which are irrelevant here, led to me being reserved and emotionally crippled with social anxiety. My wife, a gregarious, lovely person from a large family (though fatherless from the age of eight) was my perfect, completely understanding, lifelong soulmate. From the moment I met her 52 years ago I needed and wanted nothing but her. She was my world, my everything, and when I lost her I lost everything.

What I want to say now, is that I am grateful for the 52 years of love and happiness that she gave me. I take comfort that her sudden death saved her from the possibility of a long, slow, painful mental and/or physical decline. I am glad that she has died before me, because I would not want her to experience this agony of loss that I am now experiencing.

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