Just feel so bad

Mum passed 12 September
I still can’t cry even though I want to
She had pancreatic cancer and it was devastating to watch her fade away she was 4 stone when she died
I need to cry to get some emotion to come out

So sorry to hear about your terrible loss Joanne.
I’ve now come to the conclusion that there is no Hollywood ending when it comes to death, it’s all horrible. Nobody should have to suffer like our loved ones have, they don’t deserve it.
How have you been over the last few weeks? Have you found your emotions changing at all? I think for each person it’s very individual. For me it was very raw and I was an emotional train wreck for the first few weeks. I had no control over my emotions at all. Now I still don’t have control but my emotions are mainly deep down sorrow that will not leave me alone.
I lost my mum suddenly while we were all on holiday having a great time 11 weeks ago. I wasn’t ready for this and I am still not ready and haven’t accepted this new reality yet. I’m also struggling with guilt and the final images of suffering like a lot of us here.
You are among people here who will understand you better than anyone else. Have you been able to talk through things with friends and family? I know it might sound silly but I’ve found if I want to make myself upset or work out some emotion then some suitable music can do it for me, especially if the lyrics are just right. I should probably start listening to some more uplifting stuff.

I’m sorry for your loss. When my Dad passed away nearly 20 years ago, after the first couple of days I stopped crying. I just couldn’t cry, no matter how I tried. It was like trying to get water out of a dry towel. No crying made me physically feel wrong. I was still grieving him, but there were no tears. Occasionally, when I’d have a drink the booze would release the tears. My Mum passed away 6 weeks ago, but this time the tears are coming.

Hi. Joanne. Not being able to cry and express emotions at first is just one of the symptoms of grief. You may find as you go along that tears will come and emotions will be expressed. But initially there is a numbness that feels awful, as if our emotions are switched off and turn in on us. We feel we should be grieving but don’t seem able to.
As others have said, it’s all an individual experience. But there are common threads that run through grief. Loneliness, anxiety, fear, sometimes anger frustration and guilt. These are all to be expected and are the natural response to such an awful loss as you have had. I won’t say ‘give it time’ because, at the moment you are far too vulnerable for such advice. But if you can come back to this site when you feel bad you may well find some comfort. We all know and care.
There is no way you can make yourself emotional at this stage. Don’t try and make yourself do anything. One day at a time or even an hour at a time. Go along with it and know that later you will grieve. Please don’t feel that anyone here does not know how you feel, We all do. Come back and unload whenever you want. Blessings.

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