Im in absolute shock still my mum went into hospital on 23rd Nov with jaundice, the day after we was told she had advanced cancer and nothing could be done. We had no idea at all she had cancer, we as in my 2 brothers and i was in denial. I stayed by her side night & day we decorated her room with xmas tree & decs. Once that swan was put on her door i felt sick. She was eating & drinking well so we thought they had it wrong, We managed to wrap her up warm and take her out 3 times in her chair just for a cuppa tea and pll watching. 12 days i stayed by her side talking to her, washing her, brushing her hair and her favorite thing was to be tickled and scratched all over. At 4am on 5th Dec something woke me up to tell me to go to her side as she took her last breath at 4.07am. She would have been 75 on 23rd Dec how on earth do i carry on… she really was my best friend. All i keep thinking is i should of done more. I miss her so so much it hurts. As im the eldest iv had to sort everything out her funeral isnt untill 16th jan. I have all her house to empty and her birthday coming up & xmas which she absolutely loved. How do you carry on? Im so messed up my anxiety is through the roof… trying to stay strong is so hard… i love you mum.xx
Sending so much love to you , the pain is unreal isn’t it, I wish I could offer advice but I’m feeling the same as you, talking and crying lots helps for a bit but then the pain starts again.
Have you friends/someone you can talk to?
Please don’t blame yourself, you were there for her when she needed you, your don’t need to be strong all the time, let yourself grieve. Don’t do everything all at once and all friends/your brothers for help xx
I hate that there is so much to sort out and think about xx
I’m so sorry for what you’re been through Mandy.
My mum died on 4th April 2021 and my story is similar to yours. She had been ill since mid Jan. Went into hospital on Mon 14th March. The following day we were told she had advanced inoperable cancer. On the Thursday she was transferred to the local hospice for pain management for a couple of weeks. And on 4th April she passed away there. At the time you deal with it. But its such a shock isn’t it?
I don’t know about you, but what I struggled with at the time was the dramatic weight loss. At first I could only see her as she was when she died. It took me a few months to remember her how she was, lively and full of life.
This is my second Christmas without her and I’m really struggling. Since I left my abusive ex husband in Jan 2007 and my dad died in Oct of the same year we spent every Christmas together. She was really supportive to me after the break up of my marriage and I moved back up to the north west to be near her. We were very close and went on holiday together and to concerts together over Christmas. Last year we completed on her house on 30th Nov and I was distracted by that, also I was working in a busy Tesco.
It doesn’t help that I had a massive row with my brother and sister in law on Whats App when they cancelled our original plans to meet up before Christmas and my sister in law, who I rarely see anyway, as they live in Scotland and I’m never invited to their house, which is a sore point isn’t currently speaking to me, which I feel sore about. They’re currently down here til Boxing Day night, I discovered yesterday, when my brother and 2 nieces met up with me for an hour at lunch time. I could be spending Christmas on my own for all they care! I really feel that since I lost mum I lost my family too.
Fortunately my dads cousin, who lives locally and who I get on well with has agreed to come for Christmas dinner. I’m going out for lunch with a friend on Boxing Day and a couple of friends have said to go and see them between Christnas and New Year and there is a poss of my nephew and his family visiting.
It’s so difficult at this time of year, when we miss our loved ones so much. And if like you and me your mum was your best friend, it’s a massive loss.
Sending love and hugs. Just be kind with yourself and one step at a time. Xx
PS Sorry for the splurge.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum on 8th November this year, so I’m feeling many of the same things as you are. I was also with my Mum when she died.
It sounds to me like you have done, and are still doing, absolutely everything you can to show your Mum how much you love her. I’m an only child, so I’m in a similar position with having to stay strong in order to get the administration done, at the same time as being a melted puddle on the inside. We were lucky that we were able to have the funeral last week, but I have the same issues with important dates as you. Not only the first Christmas and New Year without Mum, but her birthday in early January and my birthday a few days later.
I’m honestly not sure how I’m still upright at the moment, let alone carrying on. I’ll admit I’m not doing well, I’m struggling to get out of bed and look after myself. My only advice is to take it a day at a time and, if that feels too much, just a few hours at a time. Get from one mealtime to the next, although if you’re anything like me, you don’t want to eat right now anyway.
It is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through by some distance. I’m so resentful of the whole situation, then I feel guilty as a result. I feel guilt if I smile at something or feel happy just for a moment. I’ve been reassured that everything I’m feeling is normal and understandable, but it doesn’t actually make anything better.
Don’t try to look to far into the future. Take each moment as it comes. Let yourself feel all the emotions (or lack of, everyone grieves differently) when they happen. And, like you’re doing with this message, do ask for help. Whether that’s family, friends or professional services, or your GP, do reach out to people.
I wish you all the best with this. Please remember you’re not alone and you don’t need to be a superhero xx